Jordan's Paradigm

The Year of Firsts & Lasts:

2011-12-31T15:24:00.023-06:00

Not too shabby.

you found it by the light of the moon;

2011-10-11T10:20:00.001-05:00

but i -

i found it in you.

CONNege.

2011-10-04T15:05:00.007-05:00

(Making good use of my $54,000 education)

Well, here we are - one month down! Somehow in these four weeks, college has gone from an awkwardly terrifying experience to one chock-full of adventures, mishaps, difficulties, and many sleepless nights...though not (yet) due to any academic all-nighters. Contrary to my previous beliefs, I've found myself actually enjoying it all. I have a solid and great group of friends; I've met so many interesting people; I find myself never experiencing a dull moment, which can be both a gift and a hidden curse. It's simple, yet seemingly impossible for my tiny brain to comprehend: I'm happy.

As of one day ago, I am also officially employed! I was recently hired as an Advancement Communications Intern for the Office of College Relations. Essentially, my job is to interview alumni about their current professions and how their experiences in the working world relate to their undergraduate education at Conn. I also have to attend the occasional banquet here and there to report on alumni attendance, events hosted by the college, etc. The hours are slim, but the opportunity sure isn't - it'll look great on my resume, and having a little extra cash around certainly won't hurt!

Classes, however, are difficult, and while I'd like to say that I'm up for the challenge, I'm actually not one hundred percent convinced. With European History, International Politics, the Idea of God, and Chinese all in one semester, my day-to-day schedule is jam-packed and leaves little to no room for breathing. I'm hoping to catch up on sleep and homework alike during our Fall Break - it runs from tomorrow afternoon through Monday, and as most of my friends will be leaving campus, it'll be a great time for me to buckle down without any distractions.

Honestly, in terms of new friendships...I never thought I'd see the day. I've met some pretty awesome people, and already I'm starting to see how it'll be hard for us to spend the summer away from each other. Living in such close proximity with others does something to a relationship - it creates intimacy out of seemingly nothing, forms friendships out of the smallest exchanges. There are people who, when I don't see them for an hour, I miss; there are people that I always want to be with, to talk to, to be in the same room as - even to do nothing with. There are people that intrigue me so much that I want to know their hopes, their dreams, their experiences, their lives outside of this college campus. It's a different kind of sensation than I've felt before, but I like it.

In fact, I'm finally at the place where I can say that I'm happy with where I am. I find myself wanting to 'catch up' with friends on campus if I only haven't seen them for a day; constantly texting and calling my friends back home has taken a step back in my life, allowing me to grow past the intense missing stage and settle into the growing one. I find myself thinking, "So...this is what they meant when they said college was the best experience of your life..."

Now, just to tackle that next philosophy paper...

Homesick.

2011-09-14T15:03:00.002-05:00

The only time I cry:

"Love, Dad."

My problem is

2011-08-31T17:28:00.003-05:00

that I concentrate too much on the future. Real life is right here, and it's happening right now.

Hello, Irene.

2011-08-25T21:49:00.003-05:00

I've been stuck between a rock and a hard place for the past couple of days. Everyone's been packing up and shipping out, and saying goodbye so often in such a short amount of time makes my head spin. At first, I tried to seek refuge in my old haunts - the hallways of NU, the sales counter at Porter's - but for some reason, the places that I used to call "home" have suddenly taken on a new and unfamiliar feeling. Conversations with friends now directly revolve around their new lives in wondrous cities and on vast college campuses. And my family, love them as I do, has unknowingly been suffocating me more and more as each day inches closer to my freedom. The diagnosis is simple: I'm going stir-crazy, and it's time for me to leave.

The feeling's bittersweet. The more I ponder the adventures the future most certainly must hold, the deeper the fear within me sounds. I am a w f u l at meeting new people, and although I know I shouldn't, I rely way too much on my relationships with others, simple and straightforward as they may be. When I think about college, my one thought is this: please let these first few awkward weeks pass by quickly; let me meet people I can relate to, be comfortable around, have fun with, become friends with.

I've been giving myself the good old pre-social interaction pep talk: just be friendly. Talk to people. Relate and connect and discover and explore. But it's all just simply easier said than done. My roommate, the only person I've talked to extensively, already knows people on campus, which puts me in what I seem to look at as a slightly awkward social position. I know that it is anything but, yet convincing myself of that fact is difficult, if not impossible.

All of this, then, brings me to present day. I packed up my bags three days ago, said one last "adios" to Cedar Falls, and airplane'd it up to NYC for some quality family time pre-move in. And then, two days before the big official countdown-day, Conn sends out a mass bulletin: "College delayed."

Hurricane Irene is making her way up the coast, and she is deadly. With 85 mph winds and rainstorms up the fritz, Conn had decided to delay move-in, freshman orientation, and the official start of semester classes by five days. Five days?! To me, it might as well have been a year. However, according to the school, "accommodations will be made" for students with irreversible travel plans, of which I am. So the plan now? Head to school and bunk there for a whole week ahead of schedule!

The whole concept is somewhat terrifying - a category three hurricane is rushing its way to the Constitution State the same weekend I am slotted to experience what is supposedly known as the most "liberating" experience of any young adolescent's life? It's at times like these that I wish for a normal college experience, complete with a cross-country road trip and a million-plus cardboard boxes. Yet, admist the black hole of fear Hurricane Irene is conjuring in all our heads, there's also a small ray of light in my mind's eye: hope. Maybe, just maybe, making friends won't be that bad. After all, what better way to get to know someone than to spend five days together in refugee-like conditions, trapped under the watchful eye (and then some) of the decade's most dangerous storm?

This girl is about to find out.

----

2011-08-16T23:09:00.005-05:00

I had a really great talk with Devon earlier tonight. We haven't seen each other very much this summer, but somehow we always reconnect in the simplest fashion. She leaves for college tomorrow, and as I was driving home, it hit me for the first time: I won't see these people for weeks. Months. Years. The people that I've grown to call my friends, my family, my home, my base - the trust and dreams and experiences we've instilled in each other and encountered with alongside one another - has all that really culminated to this final moment?

So many things. Friendships and relationships and moments and emotions. Eighteen solid years of change and construction, nostalgia as rich as reality itself. People and places and names and long-forgotten sentences and often-repeated stories and instances of hilarity and terror and fear and hope, all running through my mind on a continuous and never-ending loop.

I've said goodbye before. These days, who hasn't? But somehow, this feels deeper. Harder. Rough, like the feeling of sandpaper against skin. Pained, like the sensation of getting the wind knocked out of you. It feels...different.

Of course I'm scared. Hell, I'm terrified. But this is life, and it goes on and on and on and on, and I'm just along for the ride.

Goal:

2011-08-12T21:28:00.000-05:00

Be better.

I can tell you,

2011-08-04T21:10:00.001-05:00

we swaggered and swayed.

Truth.

2011-07-28T17:15:00.001-05:00

"Someday, you will miss today."

Two Points for Honesty.

2011-07-26T11:50:00.003-05:00

Here's the thing about regrets: I try not to have them. I credit this belief to the whole, "Well, if it's what you wanted at one point..." mixed with the ever-cheesy "Never regret something that once made you smile" and topped all off with something along the lines of "What would life be if you wished you could take back everything you'd ever done?" and so on. Essentially, my motto is do what makes you happy, and don't look back.

That being said, I think I've made a huge mistake.

------

Last summer was one of the best I can remember, thanks in a large way to one specific, special thing. Let's call it the Reason, as in, the Reason My Summer Was Great.

I'm not sure how it started, but in the hot, lazy days of summer vacation, the Reason became my best friend. He was the one person I always wanted to hang out with, to talk to, to be with. When we were together, I was happy. And I didn't know what that meant - I only knew that I liked it.

It took me about half the summer to admit to myself what I had tried to ignore: I liked the Reason. I secretly built up hopes in my head that I refused to let to the outside world, but they already had their guesses: my family commented on the amount of time we spent together; my friends exchanged eyebrow raises when they asked me who I was on the phone with; even strangers, saddled next to me on public transportation, poked fun at our constant communication. I'll admit it: I liked it. It made me feel, for a moment, that this all just wasn't in my head after all.

It took me another few weeks to come to the conclusion that, despite what my family and my friends and even my dreams said, the Reason and I weren't on the same page. And even if we were; even if I had grown a pair and told him; even if anything, anything at all, was possible; it wouldn't work. It was stupid. It was against all the rules I've trained myself to follow. PlayRadioPlay! couldn't have said it better: "Four months, you'll be in college far away: and that's all I have to say." Granted, although it wasn't what I necessarily wanted to hear, forcing myself to this realization wasn't the end of the world: he was still my best friend, and I still loved hanging out; and that was enough.

Four months, you'll be in college far away,

and that's all I have to say.

Fast forward. I made a decision. I didn't, for some stupid, selfish reason, tell my best friend. And just like that: everything changed.

"Every choice maybe has some intended results and always unintended results."

I told myself that that wasn't true. I pushed myself into thinking that if I worked hard enough, I could save us. I told the Reason the truth: that he was my best friend, the only constant in my life, the one person I had counted on for the past year and a half. I told him that he couldn't get rid of me that easily; that if he thought our friendship had peaked, he was wrong. The one thing I didn't tell him was the only thing I wanted to, a secret I'd kept locked away since the summer: but I couldn't. I had made a choice.

"Every choice maybe has some intended results and always unintended results."

At first, I didn't believe him when he said that. Sure, a choice is like throwing a rock into a pond - it splashes, causes ever-reaching ripples, creates chaos. But surely one, tiny decision couldn't ruin the best thing I'd ever had, right?

Wrong. Every choice maybe has some intended results and always unintended results. I can't control the direction the Earth spins or the magnitude of the stars or the speed of a charging rhinoceros - just like I couldn't control our relationship in the aftermath of my decision. As much as it pained me to admit it, I had been wrong.

------

It isn't the same anymore. I blame myself for that: not only because of what I did do, but because of what I didn't. He'll always be my best friend, but I'm not sure what, if anything, I'll always be to him. And (two points for honesty here), I do regret that.

Give me an adventure.

2011-07-20T17:15:00.001-05:00

God knows I need it.

Conflicted?

2011-07-07T23:34:00.000-05:00

I am.

When I became The Listener,

2011-07-05T14:26:00.001-05:00

I lost my way of speech.

Everything is Illuminated:

2011-06-30T21:46:00.001-05:00

"Everything is the way it is because everything was the way it was."

I forgot about

2011-06-12T19:36:00.005-05:00

loving the life you lead.

It feels good to remember.

So many words,

2011-06-09T22:02:00.007-05:00

and I'm stuck.

Happiness.

2011-05-06T11:30:00.002-05:00

I've got it.

"You see right through me, too."

2011-04-18T23:24:00.000-05:00

"I guess that makes us like a pair of windows or something."

Being with you

2011-04-17T20:36:00.001-05:00

is so nice.

I had

2011-03-21T20:39:00.004-05:00

an excellent spring break.

Simply

excellent.

---

2011-02-13T21:56:00.000-06:00

I miss my friends.

Point of No Return:

2011-02-01T14:25:00.005-06:00

But coming to the realization doesn't make it any easier.

New Year's Resolution:

2011-01-01T22:51:00.000-06:00

I would like to learn how to knit.

2010:

2010-12-31T20:54:00.029-06:00

It's been real.

Long time, no update.

2010-12-30T19:58:00.000-06:00

I've been searching for every opportunity to post over the past few months, but time lately has carefully been eluding me. 2010 is nearly over: where has this year gone?

As of one hour ago, I've officially applied to three colleges. I was accepted to the University of Iowa a few months ago, and I am currently awaiting their acceptance/rejection of my application for a Presidential Scholarship there. Just today, I submitted apps to Sarah Lawrence and Connecticut, two small liberal arts schools I visited earlier this year when I went to New York...did I mention I flew to the East Coast to hang out with my sister and hit up potential colleges last October? It's been too long.

While it feels good to be halfway done with the tedious process of college applications, I'm honestly somewhat scared of what'll come back to me in a letter next April. Staying in Iowa wouldn't be the end of the world, but I've spent eighteen years counting on the fact that next year I would be anywhere but here; but, as they say, whatever happens happens, and one can always bloom where they are planted.

Work has been demanding, but rewarding: I love Porter's, and I learn something new every day I'm there. The paycheck could be better, but brand 'spiffs' make up for that: I made an extra $509 this Christmas season just from selling Nikon products. I'm a Canon girl all the way, but I'm not about to argue with any additional cash!

In terms of photography, I've shot one wedding, two senior photo sessions, and one family portrait session in the past few months. The experience is beyond valuable to me, and it warms my heart to see my prints hanging up in homes and frames. I showed a slideshow of some recent work at the Multimedia Art Party a few weeks ago, too.

My sisters just left after spending Christmas here in Cedar Falls. It's always great to have them home, but I wish that Aaron and Penelope (my stepbrother and his girlfriend) could have been here, too.

Honestly, the past few months have passed by me in an unfeeling and hazy blur. I've been so swamped with preoccupations that I've gone into 'auto' mode. I can't remember the last time I truly felt happy and 'in the moment': instead, I almost always feel socially awkward or unnecessarily down. I've also grown apart from a lot of my friends, and, no matter how hard I try to immerse myself back in our scene, it doesn't seem to work. I know everyone has those days, weeks, and even months - but it's my senior year, and this is certainly not how I want to spend it.

So, here's to the upcoming New Year - hopefully it's better (and doesn't fly by as quickly!) as 2010.

----

2010-09-12T20:19:00.001-05:00

And we tumble down like Jack and Jill,

and I miss all of the joy you kill,

but I love you still: be my thrill.

Out in the harbor;

2010-09-06T11:21:00.008-05:00

the ships roll in,
it's Christmastime.
The kids all holler;

carols cross the water,

stars that shine.

All that I want.

I'm not ready yet.

2010-09-05T14:34:00.003-05:00

I've spent nearly eighteen years of my life doing absolutely nothing. Suddenly, out of the blue, everything's happening too fast. How come no one has told me that I should have been preparing for this all along?

With adulthood comes great responsibility. For the first time, I am a working girl, in an official job. I earn a salary; I hold a committment to my workplace. Why did it take me so long to get here?

Junior year has turned to seniority in the blink of an eye. College is too close for comfort; I'm not ready yet. I still have to take tests, write essays, earn financial aid; I have to be good enough for someplace to want me. Why would any college want to have me there?

The rest of my life is looming over me like the largest thundercloud of a summer storm. I love writing, photography, and acting, but as hobbies, not as monthly incomes. How am I going to be able to find a career?

I'm just not ready for all this yet.

Sundress.

2010-08-17T01:30:00.010-05:00

Three months may seem so short when you're in paradise;

turn all my Monday mornings into Friday nights.

And when it's done;

we'll wait for another summer sun.

I'll be one year away.

2010-08-11T02:13:00.000-05:00

But that's far too long to wait, I'm afraid.

Four months, you'll be in college far away.

And that's all I have to say.

Oh, August.

2010-08-08T00:46:00.005-05:00

I can't believe the summer is winding down so quickly! Ten days until school starts - senior year, anyone? Honestly, I'm ready for the new year, in a bittersweet kind of way. This summer has been somewhat of a drag, and the steady schedule of school can oddly be comforting.

Was Anime Iowa really only last weekend? It feels like it's been years! The con was a lot of fun, and cosplaying as the 'Super Mario Sisters' was a big hit.

I got a job at Porter's Cameras in Cedar Falls. I don't start for another few days, so I feel like it's still not 'official' or anything, but I feel very relieved to have something lined up. With all the college kids migrating back for the school year, finding a good deal on a job is a huge bonus right now.

My friend Josh got back from spending the summer in St. Louis a few nights ago. We hit up Perkins at like 1 AM, and today we're going to go out and play some tennis. I'm going to miss him when he leaves for college this fall.

My theatre director called the other day and invited me to a play in Wisconsin with him and his wife. The five of us (the Frennas, Christine, Rachel, and me) loaded up to head out on Friday afternoon. Needless to say, we never quite made it out of Iowa. After six hours in a van, we found ourselves in Iowa City, and making the play seemed a bit impossible. I often wonder how I always get myself into these types of situations...

I was supposed to go to Minnesota with my friend Elizabeth for a week-long vacation, but the chaos and hecticness of the beginning of the school year kept me here instead. I hope she has a great time anyway!

I'm actually a little worried about the start of the new semester, though not because I'm sad to see the year begin or anything. School hasn't even started yet, and I can already feel the stress of an overload of work and committments seeping into me. What with 'Twelfth Night,' Calculus at UNI, college visits and applications, and two independent studies, on top of a full high school schedule and a new part-time job, I'm afraid I might self-combust before I even have the chance to graduate! I thought senior year was supposed to be a breeze, hm?

Herp derp.

I've got to get out of here.

2010-07-29T00:46:00.007-05:00

I need a change. My life is so. . .dull. I've spent 17 years living it, but what do I have to show for it? I'm "good" at some things, but I'm not exceptional or amazing at anything.

I feel as if the scene here is suffocating me; every day, I wake up and do the same things with the same people in the same place: the same unimportant things that really, in the grand scheme of things, mean next-to-nothing at all. Surrounded by all this same-old nonsense, sometimes I feel like I'll never be able to truly get out of here.

I need a permanent vacation.

Wouldn't it be nice if we were older?

2010-07-26T01:56:00.001-05:00

Then we wouldn't have to wait so long.

I'm a Wario, I'm a Gonna Win!

2010-07-24T16:20:00.001-05:00

So. pumped.

It's a mean town,

2010-07-23T01:13:00.000-05:00

but I don't care.

Try and steal this;

can't steal happiness.

I don't ask for much.

2010-07-22T12:54:00.002-05:00

I've never been one for the, "Oh, I need a boyfriend to feel complete" scene. While others find it necessary to constantly tug at the heartstrings of boys, I've always felt content in knowing that the future, though far off, surely holds something bigger and better than the present. I suppose one could complain that those are too high of standards; others could label it an overactive imagination for a concept that doesn't exist. I'd like to think that this isn't true, and this is why.

I may not be experienced, but I would call myself knowledgeable on a few things pertaining to this. I know that relationships flourish within the boundary lines of teenage puberty; yet they go far beyond the four brick walls of high school. I've always believed - no, I've always known - that once released into reality, romance knows no limits and surpasses the immaturity of previous relationships by leaps and bounds.

I credit this discovery to what I would call a well-blended balance of emotion and logic. To me, it just makes sense to keep a set of values and morals that, when followed, will bring you long-term happiness:

Think things through before acting; the impulses of the heart oftentimes create more tragedies than love stories.

Don't settle, and don't be afraid to let go; if something is truly meant to be, it will happen, despite your actions.

Don't date across drastic age lines; differences in maturity levels and the amount of worldly experiences not only makes connection difficult, but growth as an individual impossible.

Know that it's right, and go for it.

Of course, I also know that there are exceptions to every rule, but they are just that: an exception. A rare occurrence, one which should not be held up as a standard to meet for the typical situation.

Perhaps I don't give the most credited perspective; after all, why bother taking advice from someone like me? I follow my head and my heart equally, and look where it's got me. However, despite the limitations on all possible relationships that I've ever encountered since hitting puberty, I still possess a large imagination, a simple hope, and an unwavering certainty of the bright future ahead.

Someday, I'll meet someone. Someday, I'll just know that it's right. Someday, there will be a relationship that will encompass everything I've ever hoped for and more. There will be no doubts, worries, or hesitations. Someday.

I don't ask for much. I only wish to keep my hopes and dreams for a better tomorrow, a better year, and a better future alive. But as the future draws closer and closer every day, I see the cracks and faults along my simplest wish. What if reality isn't what I always knew it would be? What if nothing brighter exists on the horizon after all? What if this hum-drum nonsense is truly all there is?

I don't ask for much, but I do ask for more than that.

Stay out of my dreams;

2010-07-18T23:58:00.000-05:00

I'm falling in love tonight.

I was wrong.

2010-07-15T00:34:00.004-05:00

But hey, that's no surprise to me.

I've been in California for the past two weeks. I love it here; the weather, the beach, my family; but I'm definitely ready to go home.

Today I went on my first college visit to Occidental, a small liberal arts school in LA. I loved it, but I don't especially love thinking about how close the future is - always just one small step away, much too close for comfort.

My phone broke the other day, so if you want to contact me, just leave me a message on Facebook. I should get a new one after I get back to Iowa on around the 20th.

But overall, I'm happy. Life is too short to be lived any other way.

Come up with a master plan -

2010-07-02T20:58:00.007-05:00

a homerun hit, a winning stand;

a guarantee and not a promise

that I'll never let your love

slip from my hands.

Thought #217:

2010-06-27T23:50:00.002-05:00

I often wonder how different my life would be if my timing was just a tad bit better.

----

2010-06-25T00:42:00.000-05:00

I like you, might be true,
Sincerely, don't know who,
Can't be me, because you see,
I'm not one who falls in love easily.

When I grow up, I want to be:

2010-06-22T23:09:00.005-05:00

A student, a poet, a musician, a lover, a doctor, a photographer, a sister, an actress, an editor, a daughter, a teacher, a chef, a friend, an artist, an author, and a mom.

Someday.

2010-06-07T23:07:00.007-05:00

Someday, you'll whisper to me, "Guess who?" behind the cover of twilight; I'll smile and play along. You'll cup my chin in your hand and ask me what I see: I'll close my eyes and say, "Everything."

Reason #425 to Smile:

2010-06-03T00:30:00.004-05:00

"I hope we can always be best friends."

All good things may come to an end -

2010-05-17T21:53:00.002-05:00

but the best ones go out with a bang.

We'll miss you.

Prom 2010:

2010-04-18T22:21:00.015-05:00

It's been great.

Oh, nostalgia.

2010-03-18T13:35:00.001-05:00

In these moments, I regret the years of homesickness and loneliness that I’ve felt: the way I turned it into so many golden-hued remembrances of people, places, and food that no longer exist and will never again exist. I berate myself: How could I have not seen what was right in front of me all these years? How could I not have sucked in all the sweetness instead of pining for memories that were only ashes and dust?

-Shanghai Girls

I want someone

2010-02-04T21:23:00.001-06:00

to hold my hand,

be the star across my sky,

and call me before they go to sleep.

I'm getting lovesick, and I hate it.

Ask me something!

2010-02-03T21:32:00.000-06:00

http://www.formspring.me/extrajordanary

Potential.

2010-01-19T22:23:00.002-06:00

Call me crazy, but I believe that 2010 has it.

& I can't wait to find out.

Resolutions:

2010-01-03T17:47:00.004-06:00

Stability.

Guidance.

Passion.

Experience.

2009:

2009-12-30T19:53:00.044-06:00

Here's to you.

Chicago.

2009-12-23T20:58:00.004-06:00

you came to take us

all things go, all things go

to recreate us

all things grow, all things grow

we had our mindset

all things know, all things know

you had to find it

all things go, all things go.

-sufjan stevens

What if

2009-12-20T22:52:00.003-06:00

this is all there is?

Just to talk; just to talk.

2009-12-07T21:27:00.010-06:00

I love this time of year, but not for the snow or the carols; I love it for the relationships and the unspoken closeness that appears between normal high school kids. I love it for the endless laughter because of the antics of Tad and Kyle; for the ballin secret handshake between our groups of neighbors; for the feeling of a great conversation; for the ridiculousness that is a typical biology class; for knowing that someone out there understands. I love Christmastime, but not for the presents or snow days from school; I love it for the way it binds us all together, just like the people we all really are.

Seventeen.

2009-11-29T22:40:00.002-06:00

Already?

For Better or For Worse,

2009-11-15T21:38:00.002-06:00

it's over.

"Meditations."

2009-11-03T09:08:00.006-06:00

Last week, my Humanities professor assigned us to read "Meditations," a collection of thoughts, reflections, and ideals by the Roman emperor Marcus Aurelius. It's technically classified as a 'self-help' book, and I'm not going to lie: it's actually pretty ballin. Aurelius was all about change and purpose, not fearing death and being a good person; he definitely knew what was up. Here a few excerpts from it - I'd encourage you to read them and think about life for a little bit. It's an eye-opener, believe me.

2.13 "Nothing is more pathetic than people who run around in circles, 'diving into the things that lie beneath' and conducting investigations into the souls of the people around them, never realizing that all you have to do is be attentive to the power inside you and worship it sincerely. To worship it is to keep it from being muddied with turmoil and becoming aimless and dissatisfied with nature - divine and human. What is divine deserves our respect because it is good; what is human deserves our affection because it is like us. And our pity too, sometimes, for its inability to tell good from bad - as terrible a blindness as the kind that can't tell white from black."

2.17 "Human life. Duration: momentary. Nature: changeable. Perception: dim. Condition of body: decaying. Soul: spinning around. Fortune: unpredictable. Lasting fame: uncertain. Sum up: The body and its parts are a river, the soul a dream and mist, life is warfare and a journey far from home, lasting reputation is oblivion. Then what can guide us? Only philosophy. Which means making sure that the power within stays safe and free from assault, superior to pleasure and pain, doing nothing randomly or dishonestly and with imposture, not dependent on anyone else's doing something or not doing it. And making sure that it accepts what happens and what it is dealt as coming from the same place it came from. And above all, it accepts death in a cheerful spirit, as nothing but the dissolution of the elements from which each living thing is composed. If it doesn't hurt the individual elements to change continually into one another, why are people afraid of all of them changing and separating? It's a natural thing. And nothing natural is evil."

4.20 "Beautiful things of any kind are beautiful in themselves and sufficient to themselves. Praise is extraneous. The object of praise remains what it was - no better and no worse. This applies, I think, even to 'beautiful' things in ordinary life - physical objects, artworks. Does anything truly beautiful need supplementing? No more than justice does - or truth, or kindness, or humility. Are any of those suddenly improved by being praised? Or damaged by contempt? Is an emerald suddenly flawed if no one admires it? Or gold, or ivory, or purple? Lyres? Knives? Flowers? Bushes?"

5.1 "At dawn, when you have trouble getting out of bed, tell yourself: 'I have to go to work - as a human being. What do I have to complain of, if I'm going to do what I was born for - the things I was brought into this world to do? Or is this what I was created for? To huddle under the blankets and stay warm?'

-But it's nicer here...

So you were born to feel nice? Instead of doing things and experiencing them? Don't you see the plants, the birds, the ants and spiders and bees going about their individual tasks, putting the world in order, as best they can? And you're not willing to do what your nature demands?

-But we have to sleep sometime...

Agreed. But nature set a limit on that - as it did on eating and drinking. And you're over the limit. You've had more than enough of that. But not of working. There you're still below your quota. You don't love yourself enough. Or you'd love your nature too, and what it demands of you. People who love what they do wear themselves down doing it, they even forget to wash or eat. Do you have less respect for your own nature than the engraver does for engraving, the dancer for the dance, the miser for money or the social climber for status? When they're really possessed by what they do, they'd rather stop eating and sleeping than give up practicing their arts."

6.15 "Some things are rushing into existence, others out of it. Some of what now exists is already gone. Change and flux constantly remake the world, just as the incessant progression of time remakes eternity. We find ourselves in a river. Which of the things around us should we value when none of them can offer a firm foothold? Like an attachment to a sparrow: we glimpse it and it's gone."

8.19 "Everything is here for a purpose, from horses to vine shoots. What's surprising about that? Even the sun will tel you, 'I have a purpose,' and the other gods as well. And why were you born? For pleasure? See if that answer will stand up to questioning."

10. 29 "Stop whatever you're doing for a moment and ask yourself: Am I afraid of death because I won't be able to do this anymore?"

12.36 "You've lived as a citizen in a great city. Five years or a hundred - what's the difference? The laws make no distinction. And to be sent away from it, not by a tyrant or a dishonest judge but by Nature, who first invited you in - why is that so terrible? Like the impresario ringing down the curtain on an actor: 'But I've only gotten through three acts...!' Yes. This will be a drama in three acts, the length fixed by the power that directed your creation, and now directs your dissolution. Neither was yours to determine. So make your exit with grace - the same grace shown to you."

Dream Birthday Present:

2009-10-25T12:08:00.001-05:00

Happy Homecoming,

2009-10-02T22:09:00.002-05:00

#57.

Never forget.

Insomnia.

2009-09-20T22:46:00.003-05:00

It's a hole that I'll never quite fill.

So, so, so.

It's so damn slow.

2752.

2009-09-11T19:52:00.002-05:00

Only one person said it today.

"Today is September 11th."

We all seem to dance around that fact, as if not talking about it can erase the past. Or maybe it's not even that. Maybe everyone has just forgotten.

How could you forget?

2752.

In a moment, everything can change. Strangers can become lovers, silence can spread like wildfire, the Earth can swallow itself whole.

How could you forget?

2752.

Yes, the world still spins madly on. We shy away from the disaster, as if that will make everything okay. We try and forget to remember, because it makes moving on that much easier.

How could you forget?

2752.

On September 11th, two thousand seven hundred and fifty-two people died. How could you forget? That's two thousand seven hundred and fifty-two lives that burned in an inferno of hate, lost forever.

That's 2752.

Please don't forget.

Summer Lovin'.

2009-08-23T19:38:00.015-05:00

$3 cameras, polaroids, cup of joe, birthday parties, sitting on roofs, driver's ed, asian gardens, stickam, teen trust, "she has two v's!", adorable little kids, movie nights, walgreens, smokey the bear, village inn, kanye west, cosplay, sleepovers, copies of my novel, band practice, parks, gum and noodle cups, abstract playgrounds, cruisin', holmes id lanyards, following cute boys, my waterloo days, driving around at 3 am, prostitutes at Wonderbread, boxcars, odd coincidences, winding up in the middle of nowhere, cemetary night drives, a million-plus mcdonald's trips, crashing graduation parties, four queens, Chuckles!, free rootbeer floats, capture the flag, waverly, sonic, the ledges, tennis, $6 dresses, card towers, countless wal-mart trips, recording with chris brown, barn raves, shows, kwik star's chocolate milk, older siblings and younger ones, the cedar falls mall, visitations and funerals, crying, new friends, eighth graders, the boys (featuring tha gurlz), visits from friends in faraway places, "i want to ride a motorcycle like that!", going out, dr. who, breaking in, parties with no parents, night walks, staying up much too late, job applications, ramen at four in the morning, old chicago, service hours, voice lessons, dslr cameras, walking the length of dike, the lampost, mohair pear, lockdown, kittens, games of duck duck goose, movie theatres, kid's kingdom, remington, tornado warnings, new regina spektor albums, amusing picture messages, frosting-making, playing dude, apples to apples, sushi and macadamien nut cookies, the bridges of madison county, mac&cheese, dressing up, sturgis falls, waterloo, secret buildings, surprise parties, treasure hunts, the humane society, big booty, shopping, swimming, scary movies, panera, my driver's license, stalking, trampolines, haircuts, lost island, letters, tea parties, "birds! birds! cards! cards!", the waffle stop, kidnapping, sub city, trinkets and togs, the bike trail, sword and belt balloons, chalk drawing, dairy queen, panda puzzles, bike riding, meeting new people, road trips, good-bye parties, chinese food, paddleboating on the ridges pond, camping trips, midnight premieres, ghosty pictures, high school musical at the waterloo playhouse, cheap manga, "hey - good mornin!", intense games of mao, harry potter and the half-blood prince, canoeing, acoustic shows, heritage days, jars of jalapeños, parades, throwing down, fleming the bird, bubbles, fire safety videos, traer, infinity and beyond, janesville, picnics with fake food, sleeping the day away, chicken noodle soup, muffins with sprinkles, belegarth!, pokemon puzzles, saran wrap and car chalk, good books, binoculars, board games in public places, human anatomy and physiology, breakfast picnics, minigolf, the bremer county fair, mustaches, settlers of catan, nauvoo, cardboard cut-outs, (500) days of summer, three-way calling, "people with morals aren't allowed to know if they're in a relationship or not.", AnimeIowa!, speech parties, uni, project runway season premiere, hy-vee trips, "slutslutslutsluteeyore!", drama kickoffs, red rover, great talks, fake friends, huge hugs, chalkboard drawings, "legit hoes", being on the fritz, costumes, "does the bride come with potatoes?", saying good-bye, and having a ballin' summer.

Chasing Life.

2009-08-21T23:05:00.004-05:00

Let's waste time -

it's already going too fast anyway.

Two years and counting. That's all that's left. That's a pretty long time, right now. Two years ago, we sat hand in hand, me wishing for the days to go faster and the age lines to grow deeper. One year ago, we stood with you on the brink of disaster, only to find the disasters within us. Was that really last year? Or the year before?

It feels like only yesterday.

Days to weeks, weeks to months, months to years, years to lives. Is that how reality is supposed to work?

The thought of junior year makes me want to go crazy. Maybe I already am.

ACThumanitiesoneSATanatomy&physiologyGPAcollegevisits.

Is it really that time of my life already? Am I the only one not ready for this?

Three years ago, we glided on freshly-painted floors and fell from laughing so hard. I have the stains to prove it. Four years ago, we started to ascend the slopes of adolescence and fear and hurt and happiness. I have the memories as keepsakes. Was that really so long ago?

It feels like only yesterday.

Minutes pass and turn to hours. Each wasted moment is an oppurtunity gone forever - one less time to actually live. Is this how I'm supposed to think? To feel? To do? To live?

Thoughts like these make me go crazy. I probably already am.

We live in a beautiful world -

2009-08-15T12:24:00.007-05:00

bones sinking like stones
all that we've fought for
homes, places we've grown
all of us are done for.

we live in a beautiful world
yeah we do
yeah we do
we live in a beautiful world.

bones sinking like stones
all that we've fought for
homes, places we've grown
all of us are done for.

we live in a beautiful world
yeah we do
yeah we do
we live in a beautiful world.

we live in a beautiful world
yeah we do
yeah we do
we live in a beautiful world.

oh all that i know
there's nothing here to run from
cause here, everybody here's got somebody to lean on.

-don't panic, coldplay.

Liar, Liar.

2009-08-02T00:38:00.003-05:00

Honestly, I wouldn't have cared at all.

Honestly, I would have been fake mad - you know how I am.

Honestly, I would have thought it was funny, later on.

Honestly, this wouldn't even bug me at all if you'd just told me.

Instead, you took something that wasn't yours to tell and told.

Instead, you let everyone else in on it, except for me.

Instead, you watched me embarress myself by having my best friends keep a secret from me about the stupidest little thing in the world.

And instead of just admitting it, you lied to me about it, over and over again.

And honestly, that's the only part of it that really hurts.

You never really know what you've got -

2009-07-21T10:58:00.010-05:00

until it's gone.

i miss you.

<33333333

& the World Spins Madly On.

2009-06-07T00:01:00.003-05:00

He wanted to be a firefighter.

That's the part that really gets me, every time.

He wanted to be someone that saved us from the flames of life; our rescuer from Hell itself. He wanted to be our fighter, our saviour, the one we needed. He wanted to be the hero.

On June 3rd, he was the one that needed saving. Now he's gone, and the world is still spinning madly on. There's a whisper of regret and a flash of pain in the air; there's a tear falling from every cheek and a grimace covering every face. There's the awful stench of goodbyes and the blinding light of starting over. But for some people, this isn't enough to change the ways things are.

Down the street, a kid pays his respects and then drinks the night away.

Across the town, another one whispers, "I miss you" and then pops his coveted bottle of pills.

Everywhere is full of empty promises of change and lessons learned.

But somewhere there is a hero watching, ready to save you from yourself.

Please, let Devon Turner be your hero. Let him save you from the flames of death and destruction and stop hurting yourself and the ones around you. Be responsible, be safe, learn from this.

Let Devon Turner be what he wanted to be. Let him be the hero.

Rest in peace, Devon Turner. You are missed.

The Stairs

2009-05-28T13:00:00.006-05:00

Sophomore year has been amazing - I've learned much more than dimensional analysis or how to write a strong thesis statement; more than iteration or statistics; more than how to use ArcMap or speak past-tense in Spanish. I've discovered that I harbor a secret love for chemistry; that the feeling of hitting a tennis ball on the exact edge of the line is a great one; that a photo can be twisted and morphed to say as much as words can. I've found that most goodbyes, however sad, are only temporary; that second chances come by when you need them most; that relationships are made of both laughter and strife. All in all, this has been a year full of learning - both about people and about ourselves. This has been the year of The Stairs.

The Stairs have become a symbol - they are, in essence, sophomore year. They are the place we have congregated to time and time again; the place where laughter has abounded and secrets have been traded. They are the location of hundreds of jokes; the place where last minute homework was completed and conversations of all types were held. They are a symbol of love and friendship; of hard work and good times; a symbol of how far we've all come in the past year.

Thanks to The Stairs, I know now that life is more fun when you sing to all the songs on the radio; that a 4.0 GPA is nice, but that driving around with your best friends in the middle of the night is priceless. I know now that trips to VI outwiegh trips anywhere else; that ramen tastes better when it's made at midnight; that distance doesn't wear relationships out, but strengthens them. I've learned that even tables at fancy restaurants aren't what they seem to be; that conversations in code are the best kind; that the best nights are the ones you can't tell your parents about. I've experienced firsthand the stress of balancing theatre, music, sports, and more; I've gone everywhere from prom to Mormon dances. I've been to late nights at Perkins and late nights at Hy-Vee; I've forked lawns in the early morning and walked cemetaries in the dead of night. It feels like this year, the year of The Stairs, I have done everything.

In the past few months, The Stairs have opened up a new way of life for me - a life where nothing matters but having a good time. They've strengthened relationships and they've created new ones out of seemingly nothing. They've taught me how to organize my priorities; how to look at life from here on out. I honestly think that The Stairs, symbolism and all, have made my life take a turn for the better; and it's a feeling I like. I really do.

So here's to The Stairs - the relationships we've formed, the times we've had, the people we've become. Here's to whatever comes next.

Summer 2009:

2009-05-24T19:37:00.003-05:00

1) Get my license.

2) Get a job.

3) Edit/order my NaNoWriMo novel.

4) Figure out my schedule for next year.

5) Start on NHD 2010!

6) Spend a day at the Rockford Rock Quarry.

7) Ditto Adventureland.

8) Ditto Lost Island.

9) Find Flagland.

10) Get Jodi Picoult's new book, "Handle with Care."

11) Go to at least one show.

12) Frequent the Lampost.

13) Have a "Murder is a Game" reunion!

14) Do an evil scheme.

15) Submit something for Big Fat Prize.

16) Have a billion-plus Village Inn trips.

17) See Nicole :] <3

18) Get service hours.

19) Have a second camping trip with the posse.

20) Force Heidi to take me on a photoshoot.

21) Have a tea party!

22) Actually decorate my room.

23) Take voice lessons from Mr. Grau.

24) Finish at least three chapters for Anatomy.

25) Ditto Scientific Latin.

26) Get better at photography (especially people).

27) Read some "classic literature."

28) Hang out with as many as my friends as often as humanly possible.

29) Not waste a single moment.

and

30) Have the best summer yet.

There. That sounds like a good start.

Happy Mother's Day,

2009-05-10T20:53:00.002-05:00

"mom."

The Life.

2009-05-03T19:44:00.005-05:00

the feeling of summer, tennis meets, waverly, bus rides, eating out, hy-vee trips, village inn, hilarious stories, driving around, "livin' the dream!", code names, sleepovers, night walks, hanging out, inside jokes, the lampost, getting text messages during school, birthday parties, "ballin'!", prom, attractive fire fighters, staying up too late, sleeping all day, long car rides, hotels, perkins at five in the morning, laughing so hard it hurts, visits from friends in far away places, matchmaking, potential prom dates,"jealousssssss!", chivalry, boy bashing, spaghetti night, finishing a great book, first and second place, cyber defense champions, intense games of spoons, five-day weekends, shows, mormon dances, falconPUNCH!, history day state finalist, yogurt jokes, the cedar falls cops, picking up the change!, THE MOSH PIT, a good hug from a great friend, happiness.

I try so hard,

2009-04-12T21:18:00.001-05:00

yet somehow it's never enough.

The American Dream?

2009-04-05T19:51:00.007-05:00

"I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal.""
"It was a creed written into the founding documents that declared the
destiny of a nation."
"I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood."
"It was whispered by slaves and abolitionists as they blazed a trail
toward freedom through the darkest of nights."
"I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi, a state sweltering with the heat of injustice, sweltering with the heat of oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice."
"It was sung by immigrants as they struck out from distant shores and
pioneers who pushed westward against an unforgiving wilderness."
"I have a dream that one day, down in Alabama, with its vicious racists, with its governor having his lips dripping with the words of interposition and nullification; one day right there in Alabama, little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls as sisters and brothers."
"It was the call of workers who organized; women who reached for the
ballot; a President who chose the moon as our new frontier; and a King who took us to the mountaintop and pointed the way to the Promised Land."
"I have a dream."
"Yes we can."

I have a dream: yes we can.

----------------

When asked to define the American Dream, one gets a lot of different responses.
"Success, fame and wealth through thrift and hard work."
"Freedom for all."
"To be what I want to be when I was young."
"For all my dreams to come true."
"To live better than our parents did."
"To be number one."
And however rarely,
"To be happy."

But really, what is the American Dream?
I guess it's different for everyone.

In "Death of a Salesman", Willy Loman's American Dream is to be successful - to be well-liked. To come out number one in the hearts of his boys and the heart of his business, a life he never achieves.
In 30 Days on Minimum Wage, Morgan's American Dream is just to survive. To be able to live the life that so many Americans are forced to live with barely enough money to make it, a life he finds himself unable to live.
In Jason Smith's story, his American Dream came true. He went from the depths of the poor neighborhoods he once roamed to the top of the charts for football. He worked hard, and in the end, it payed off - all his dreams came true.
In The Pursuit of Happyness, Chris's American Dream also comes true. Like Jason, he goes from the very bottom to the very top - but not without going falling along the way. His hard work pays off, and he ends up a multimillionaire - a life he most certainly deserves.
In Caroline's story, her American Dream fails. She works hard, but she never gets anywhere. Forced to work in a Walmart stock room, being paid less than minimum wage, her American Dream never even had a chance - all because she didn't have any teeth.

So even though the American Dream may be different for everyone, it's obvious that not everyone achieves it. But why? Why don't we? Why is it that only some of us end up being successful and happy, and the rest of us don't?
I think I know why.

We all grew up being told, "You can be anything you want to be, as long as you set your mind to it. Just work hard, and remember: reach for the moon, and even if you miss, you'll land among the stars."

But honestly, it's not that simple. Life doesn't always just depend on us. There are things we cannot control, and sometimes no matter how hard you try to overcome them, you just can't.

In The Pursuit of Happyness, Chris Gardner overcame his troubles. But he didn't do it alone. If you look close enough, you'll see the help and guidance from a thousand different people - the three bosses who gave him the job; the man who told him he could be a stockbroker; his wife, for a while at least. Chris worked extremel hardy to get where he is, and he deserved it more than anyone - but he had help. Some people don't get that help.

Like Caroline. She can't afford dental care, and she has no teeth. She has a family to provide for, and a minimum wage job that's a twenty-minute commute...on foot. She tries so hard...yet where is her American Dream?

My stepmom Shari started out as co-partner of one hair salon. Years later, she was the CEO of Redken Hair Products. She went to a four-year university, and many other workers had much higher education than her. She tells me to work hard, and that my dreams will come true too. She says it happens everywhere - take the Obamas, for example.

Michelle Obama grew up in a house with only one spoon. Now, she goes to third-grade classrooms and says to them, "You can be anything you want to be." Is that wrong of her? To tell third-grade kids that the world out there stops for no one? That sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you just can't get there?

I guess this brings to my next point: hope. My stepmom asked me today if it is wrong of Michelle Obama to tell those third-graders that they can be anything they want to be. "Is it wrong to give them hope?" she accuses me.

Hope.

"In the unlikely story that is America, there has never been anything false about hope."

Hope.
We haven't had it for so long, but now that we do, can the American Dream become a reality for all?

We had hope once, in the form of a dream. A dream that came true. One man's dream for freedom and equality for all. He had a dream, and it came true not just for him, but for America.

Now, we have a new dream. The dream that everyone can be successful, be happy, be whatever they want to be. It's a dream for the Carolines of the world; it's a dream for the Chris Gardners too. It's a dream infused with hope that someday it will happen - that someday, it won't be a dream anymore. The American Dream.

I have a dream.
The American Dream.
But I can't do it alone.
I need the help of everyone - we all do.
Can we do it?
Can we make it came true?
Yes we can.

I have a dream: yes we can.

i miss you already.

2009-03-15T12:17:00.001-05:00

does the world out there revolve around rooms...

2009-02-05T10:17:00.001-06:00

You wake these mornings alone and nothing
can be forgiven; you drink the last
swallow of warm beer from the can
beside the bed, tell the stranger sleeping
on the floor to go home. It's too easy

to be no one with nothing to do, only
slightly worried about the light bill
more concerned with how dark day gets.

You walk alone on moist pavement wondering
what color rain is in the country.
Does the world out there revolve around rooms
without doors or windows? Centering the mirror
you found in the trash, walls seem closer
and you can never find the right way

out, so you open the fridge again
for a beer, find only rancid milk and drink it
whole. This all tastes too familiar.

-poverty of mirrors, sherman alexie.

six word memoir.

2009-01-11T19:42:00.001-06:00

Dear 2008,

2008-12-30T23:17:00.006-06:00

I, I still remember
How you looked that afternoon
There was only you
You said "it's just like a full moon"
Blood beats faster in our veins
We left our trousers by the canal
And our fingers, they almost touched
You should have asked me for it
I would have been brave
You should have asked me for it
How could I say no?
And our love could have soared
Over playgrounds and rooftops
Every park bench screams your name
I kept your tie
I'd have gone whereever you wanted
(I still remember)
(I still remember)
-I Still Remember, Bloc Party

In this year of 2008, we've all come so far and done so much. And this blog, however long it may seem, doesn't even begin to cover half of it. I can't remember every little thing that happened this year, or everything hilarious thing that was said; I can't remember who I was and how I've gotten to where I am. But I do remember that this year has been a year of accomplishments and failures; of ups and downs; and of laughter and tears. So here's to you, 2008. I still remember you...

I still remember New Year's 2008.

"Brianne, we're just going to trape across the lawn, mmkay?"
"WE'RE GOING TO RAPE THE LAWN?!"
And so begins 2008, in the best possible way for me: with my best friends. Elizabeth, Sam N, Sam B, Nicole, Brianne, and I all congregated at Elizabeth's for a full-fledged nerdfest to ring in the new era: along with many other eras, including the era of the TWAPERS (HOLY CWAP!), the era of the epic chalkboard pictures, and the era of the Nerd Posse. What a way to start the New Year.

"How many nerds does it take to open an "easy open" bottle?"
"Six, and that's only after we go and get the pliers."

*door creaks open*
"OHMYGOD, IT'S THE TWAPERS, HOLY CWAP!"

I still remember January 2008.

The first month of a new year - a new start, if you will. And a newer and happier Jordan. Still on a high from making the reader's theatre team and celebrating New Year's with the Posse, I finally took some control over my life and started reaching out for things. A new semester at school started, and teachers who saw my semester one GPA actually started taking me seriously. Speech came full swing; we pwned at districts, leaving with a well-deserved one, and we advanced to state; and from that group of amazing people, I learned so much more than certain acting tactics. The Nerd Posse got together and ran to Fareway (of course), as well as played ninjas in the middle of the street at random hours of the night; and I started to feel like we were bonding again - becoming once again the best friends we were meant to be. At school, my friendships were beginning to strengthen as I spent more time around people and got to know them better. And although my life seemed to be going really well, there was still some parts of it that I had yet to take control of.

"That wasn't considered meeting him. He pulled up, you all screamed, and then he left. "
"You know, that's really funny because you're totally right."

TO THE ROCK WALL!"

I still remember February 2008.

February brought NU's spring musical into the picture: "Snoopy." Yeah...I know. Since I like singing in general, just not by myself, I auditioned for the chorus and got in. Whoo? Rehearsals started and took the place of speech practices. State speech came and went - our reader's theatre got straight ones and much praise from both the audience and some of the judges. We made All-State as a non-performing group, which was good, but most of us were disappointed. We forged on, however, and went to watch All-State just to see the amazing performances as well as the "ASSHI" sketched in the snow. February also brought Waverly's semi-formal Winterfest dance, which I (of course) crashed. This particular dance is when I think I really started to bond with Heidi McNulty - Brianne's friend from Janesville. We got married promptly, and soon we were best friends. Now, I can't imagine the Nerd Posse or my life without her. The month ended with Sam Brooks throwing a hit party, at which there was a hardcore drive-by throwndown at McDonald's, I was asked to prom, and Sam herself was asked out by David Maixner.

"Did he ask you out?"
"Yeah."
"Yay!"
*pauses*
"So, what'd you say?"

"Look at him, he's going to kill the crap out of you!"

I still remember March 2008.

The third month of the year was a busy one. March started off with the NU basketball team winning state (whoo?), which pleased even me - we actually took days off of school so that people could go watch the games. Have you ever had a basketball day? I think not. Anyway, while most of the school was cheering for that sport, I was cheering for a different one - individual speech. With the amazing Scachterles as my coaches, I signed up for a literary program on images and a storytelling about a possum. At districts, there were only a few kids from NU there, and although I enjoyed the company, it just didn't have the same crazyfun feel as group speech did. Ms. Koch, however, was as eccentric as always - "OH LOOK THE STAGE!" "Honey, I don't know if you noticed, but he was totally flirting with you." "THERE'S JOE!" All of us except for SarahD advanced to state (and Rachel on her spurr of the moment improv), which was a little more fun than districts was. I didn't get to stay for very long though - but I made sure that I got to spend as much time as humanly possible with Sam Dorrance when I was there. I ended up with straight ones on storytelling, and two ones and a two on my literary program. In the end, although all the NU kids did well, the only one that advanced to All-State was Rachel, with her amazing acting piece in which she was a little kid hiding away in the attic. Immediately after state speech, we were all rushed back to NU to go onstage for the opening night of "Snoopy: The Musical." I sat in the wings during the show and watched Joni, Rachel, and Tad give an amazing performance. Megan, Leandra, Danny Jo, and I all hung out during the next day's show and made up our lives as the Lemon family, occasionally being interrupted to go onstage and sing for the choir. Faithe, Sam Niles, Nicole, Sam Dorrance, and Elizabeth all came to that performance, so I also got to see them too. So with speech and "Snoopy" out of the way, you'd think my life would calm down a little, right? Well, sort of. Pi Day came around (whoo!), which coincidentally is also Brianne's birthday. The Nerd Posse all went to a Waverly dance that night and had a blast - well, I did anyway. I felt like everything in my life was finally falling back into place. Sam and I were actually having a semi-functional relationship (whoo!), the Nerd Posse wasn't really fighting (whoo!), and I was just plain happy (triple whoo!). Immediately after that, I had to go spend spring break at my grandma's house in North Dakota with her and my mom. After spending the entire break working on History Day there, I came back just in time for another local show at the Waverly 4H Building. With History Day right around the corner, Nicole, Sam Niles, and I worked our tails off right up until we gave our HD performance at the Sullivan Brothers Convention Center. We were pretty much awful, but we advanced to state anyway. Mere days after that was All-State Individual Speech, where the NU kids worked for volunteer hours. I hung around taking it all in and fetching water for the judges, as well as sneaked off to go watch SamD's public address and hang out with my friends. Wrapping up March was the Between the Trees/The Honorary Title/Far-Less/Mae concert at Wartburg, with Erica and I in the exact front. March was probably my busiest month - but it was definitely the most fun. :]

"Jerod...I don't think we can do it."

"I should be Jordan Thomas because Jordan is a bisexual name!"

I still remember April 2008.

April showers didn't really exist this year - at least, not in the month's beginning. Blue skies and sunny days ushered in this month, and I found myself at the Waverly spring play, cheering for Megan Cotter and Sam Dorrance in their major roles. However, April showers, in the form of a light snow, came on the day of Waverly's prom, which Sam Dorrance took me to. We went with Sam Brooks and David, although once we got to the dance, I barely saw either of them. To be honest, prom was okay; but I found it extremely overrated. I much preferred hanging out at Kyle's house afterward with Sam and his friends. As April passed, Day of Silence came and went, as did the many jeers and taunts for supporting gays; my NU friends and I walked to the playground in the middle of the night and stayed up telling secrets and dancing to Bollywood movies; my Nerd Posse and I found ourselves at barn raves and local shows. I started to really get out and have fun again, with all my friends - Waverly friends, NU friends, boyfriend. I was just plain happy.

"Shot up that meth.
up through your veins,
darlin' you give edge a bad name."

"Ur so sweet. Nom nom nom..."

I still remember May 2008.

April showers are supposed to bring May flowers, but May 2008 brought me a whole bouquet. The month started off with Choir Contest, which took place at Waverly. I inexplicably had a great time there, having all of my Waverly friends and NU friends in one place. I spent a lot of time with Sam Dorrance, introducing him to my NU friends. Both our choir and band got a one (whoo!), and we celebrated on the way back to CF by impersonating black women singers. Later on in the month, the Nerd Posse and I had some much-needed bonded time at another 4H show (as well as during a viewing of Lake Placid 2), and they actually got to meet a few of my Cedar Falls friends. Nicole, Sam Niles, and I headed out to State History Day and surprisingly placed as National Alternate (!!!!!). As the month went on, though, many relationships ended, including Sam's and mine. Soon the school year ended, and everyone at NU said goodbye to each other until next year. The goodbyes were sad, but laced with the excitement that three months of summer vacation awaited us.

"Hey, is that Devon? What it do, Devon?"

"We went to find something historical...on the roof."

I still remember June 2008.

The beginning of summer brought out what I had been building up towards all year - FUN! From tea parties to capture the flag in the dead of night, and from birthday parties to "magic flying glasses", I found fun wherever I went. However, the infamous Iowa floods slightly put a damper on things. After the floods, though, all my friends and I more than made up for lost time by hanging out as much as possible; and life was good.

"Simplicity is the spice of life!"

"LUKE, I IS NOT UR FATHER!"

I still remember July 2008.

With summer in full swing, I spent most of my summer hanging out with friends and generally still having a good time. Sam Brooks, Brianne, and I started to write song parodies for fun, and the Sams and I baked the biggest cookie ever. My family and I went on a summer vacation out East, where we not only saw 'The Phantom of the Opera' on Broadway, but I also fell in love with an adorable little girl named Lexi Brown. ("I'd rather be Lexi Pink.") When I came home, however, I was greated with not-so-great news: Nicole Mittelstadt, one of my very best friends, was moving to Illinois before the summer was out. After we all cried our eyes out, we pledged to each other that we wouldn't let something as trivial as distance keep us from being best friends; and from then on out, summer held a bittersweet tone.

"I think about him every time my mom wears those pants!"

"I'm gonna be the princess, and Daddy's gonna be the prince...and you, YOU get to be the pumpkin!"

I still remember August 2008.

August holds my favorite memory of the year: the Nerd Posse camping trip. As a goodbye party/summer end party, we hosted a camping trip at Sam Brooks's grandparent's house out in the country. We spent the entire weekend there, stuffing all seven of us into Sam's RV, and having a blast the entire time. It was a great last large group Nerd Posse memory until Nicole would come back and visit us from her new home in Illinois. (And I will never, ever forget the beanfield.) After that, I was carted off the my mom/grandma's again in North Dakota - and I couldn't get home fast enough. August flew by much too quickly, and soon the first day of school loomed in front of us, with a full summer behind us yet again.

"I just had the sudden realization that Brock is an African-American! I mean, all this time I just thought he was really tan..."

"YOU DIDN'T KNOW OBAMA WAS BLACK?!"

"PICK UP THE BEANS!"

I still remember September 2008.

September brought school back on full swing, which I strangely didn't mind. The schedule, however hectic, was comforting, and I loved getting to see a bunch of my friends every day again. In fact, September took Erica and I on a road trip to Iowa City to see The Morning Of/Breathe Carolina show at the Picador. It also kept us at home for CF's Blayhn Fest, a local show with tons of bands that played. Try-outs for the school play came and went, giving roles to me as well as Winky and several of my other friends. I started to connect more with different people at school, now that I was past the whole awkward new kid stage; and I found many good friendships because of it. September's end also packed a nice surprise: NICOLE HOME FOR A VISIT! Life was great.

"Virginia, vagina?"

"Hi, is Derek home?"

"Oh no, he's gone playing Magic."

I still remember October 2008.

By October, my life consisted solely of school, play practice, and friends. It was busy, but it was good. I spent a lot of my extra time (which I really didn't have) volunteering at the Obama Office in Cedar Falls. Nicole came home for another visit (!!!), and the Posse all went to a show in Waverly. And I continued to grow closer with several people, especially thanks to play practice. October went out on a high note on Halloween (for which I was a scenester), which I spent with Winky, Devon, Alex, Mason, and Kyle and found a group of friends that I can sit around around campfires and hum with. :]

"I am ballin', I am ballin'."

"Balls balls balls!"

"OH BALLS!"

"What about balls?"

I still remember November 2008.

If I thought last March was busy, I had no idea what was coming. November was a whirlwind for me - there was school, of course, and keeping up grades as the semester end approached. Then there was NaNoWriMo, or National Novel Writing Month, a personal goal for writers to write a 50,000 word novel in one month. Inspired, I settled down to do it, despite my extreme lack of free time. I did finish my novel "Leap of Faith", though, and I plan on editing it into a real manuscript later on. And then there was the play, "I'll Leave It To You", which came and went by much too fast. All of my Waverly friends came to see it, Nicole sent her wishes, and all of my NU friends were there in support as well. In addition to all of this, I also celebrated my sweet sixteen (whoo?) by going to Chicago to see Wicked (whoo!). Although November was extremely busy, it was extremely fun, and I was sad to see it pass.

"1, 2, 3...PWN! *arm motion*"

"Kyle rushes by, his long blonde hair flowing in the wind."

I still remember December 2008.

December marked the end of 2008; and for starting off in such a good way, it has been ending in a pretty good one too. The month started extremely stressful, what with the semester drawing to close, but as we got closer to the end, it surprisingly got easier to handle. Christmas came, as did my sisters, and went; and I spent a lot of the extra free time I had hanging out with friends. I was forced to say a temporary goodbye to Erica, who graduated early and moved down to Florida, but we got to spend a lot of time together before she left. And just today, I finally achieved something that I said I've been going to do all year - I went and got my driver's permit. All in all, it seemed like a great way to end 2008 - happy. :]

"Hey, that's kinda nice."

"The land of the free, and the home of the brave."

"Yeah, like baseball."

In the space of merely a year, so much has happened - so much has changed. I'm closer to the person I want to be and the paths I need to get there. I'm more accomplished and more knowledgable, and I've seen things that I've never seen before. But most of all - I'm happy. I can't even begin to describe how much happier I've been this year compared to last year; and although there have been some rough spots along the way, I hope 2009 proves to be even better.

Love,

Jordan

Dear God,

2008-12-17T17:27:00.002-06:00

Thank you for keeping everyone feeling calm as the wheels skidded back and forth across the icy street. Thank you for clearing my mind of everything as we first went left, then right, then up onto the divide. Thank you for stopping the car's out-of-control spinning right before we crashed into the tree. Thank you for letting us pull out, safe and unharmed, the only damage done a shaky voice.

Thank you.

sweet&sour sixteen.

2008-12-04T22:16:00.002-06:00

16) I care about my grades way too much.
15) I miss the Nerd Posse everyday.
14) I have a super low tolerance for being cold and for lack of sleep.
13) I know lots of people, but I often wonder if they know me.
12) I hate the way the Spanish language sounds.
11) I don't have a clue of what I'm going to do for the rest of my life.
10) I find myself using the word 'ballin' as a synonym for 'awesome' way too much.
9) I absolutely hate Hellen Keller jokes.
8) I honestly don't think that any kid in my generation knows the meaning of 'hard work.'
7) I don't get to read as much as I used to.
6) I pray to the God I'm not sure I believe in sometimes.
5) I try not to be easily annoyed.
4) I constantly have cravings for chicken lo mein.
3) I wrote a novel in thirty days.
2) I cried on my sixteenth birthday.
and
1) I really and truly like my life.

i'm an author.

2008-11-27T21:09:00.005-06:00

"Leap of Faith"

Faith comes in all different forms, but atheist lawyer Maria Godsend has troubles believing that. However, when she's assigned to a rape case and her client starts seeing 'angels', Maria is forced to rethink the fact that maybe something Bigger does exist after all. Add in the fact that she's been receiving letters from a little girl trying to communicate with God, and Maria is thrown into an adventure where she learns that Angels and Demons don't only exist in the Heavens.

-----

As of roughly an hour ago, I am the author of a novel. You have no idea how good it feels to say that. I've spent a lot of time on this novel, and I'm proud to say that it isn't actually half-bad. Yes, it is pretty boring and confusing and weak and just don't even make sense in some parts, but it's what I set out to do. I set out to write a novel in thirty days, without editing a thing of it; and here I am. I've done it. Participating in NaNoWriMo has really taught me a lot about myself as a writer; most importantly, it's taught me that if I want to become a novelist, I'll really have to push it up a notch. Writing isn't just sitting down and pouring out your heart; writing has a science to it too. Before I start writing any novels, I'll have to have plans, ideas, a notion of some sort of where it's going. But I have to say, that for a first time go-around, "Leap of Faith" isn't that bad. Hopefully someday, when I have a lot more time, I'll be able to take some of this manuscript and actually make it good - tweak it around and put some better stuff into it. But for now, I'm happy with this; all 53, 742 words of it. And even if it a pile of useless words to some people, it doesn't matter - because to me, it's a novel. My first novel.

I'm Jordan Thomas, and I'm an author.

Dear Friend,

2008-11-18T17:57:00.007-06:00

I thought I'd write "Dear Friend" because it seems to me that only someone I'd call a friend would read this. Unless there are some crazy people out there who aren't my friends but read this anyway. But I don't think that's very likely. Only friends care enough to actually read what their friends write. But even then, not always. Megan always said she was my friend, but she never read any of my letters and stuff. And Tina, she said she was my friend too, but she took my letters I wrote her and told everyone that I still wet the bed sometimes, even though I told her that was a secret! So I guess sometimes friends don't read your stuff, and sometimes people who read your stuff aren't your friends after all. So I wrote "Dear Friend" in hopes of this actually being read by a dear friend; someone I like and I trust and that won't go around making fun of me and my letters or pretending to be my friend but really only pretending all along. Someone who understands, and even if they don't, they try to anyway cause they know how much it eats people up inside without having people that understand them. And I just want someone like that for me. Someone like you.
Dear Friend, I have felt really eaten up lately. The other day this girl I know, let's call her Abby, she told me how she felt all eaten up too, all eaten up with pain and hurt and stuff, and I asked her why. And she said she was fine. But I said no, no that's not right, cause you just said you were full of pain. And she said it was nothing. But I wouldn't let her say that, and I kept asking her why, why, why, and she finally said that her boyfriend, this real big guy, had been hitting her cause she wouldn't have sex with him. And that cause the hitting had been hurting so much, and she'd just wanted it to stop, that she'd said, alright, okay, and had sex with him. And now she felt all eaten up with pain and hurt and shame and hate, cause of what he did to her and what she did to herself. And she was crying and stuff, with her dark make-up getting all runny, and I told her that it's all right, that was I was feeling eaten up too, and that in order to fix everything, in order to glue all the pieces back together and feel all better again, all we needed was some band-aids and some ice cream. And she stopped crying a bit and asked me if I was serious and I said of course, what else would I be? And then she smiled a bit, and we went to Wal*Mart and bought some dinosaur band-aids and some Ben&Jerry's, and Abby, the girl who wears dark make-up and whose boyfriend made her feel all eaten up inside, came over to my house and we sat and watched Looney Tunes till three in the morning, when she went home. And then I didn't feel nearly so empty and eaten up anymore; and I think Abby didn't feel that way either, and I wanted to go scream to the world that I felt happy and whole, and that the girl with lots of dark make-up, and the dinosaur band-aids from Wal*Mart, and the pint of Ben&Jerry's made me feel that way.
And Dear Friend, maybe if we all had someones like you or maybe someones like me, or maybe even someones like Dark Make-Up Abby, everyone wouldn't be so eaten up all the time, like apples with only brown spots left or leaves with bunches of insects chewing holes everywhere. And then maybe we could all be friends and no one would get mad anymore and all the holes from being eaten would be filled with love and dinsosaur band-aids and ice cream and stuff. And we would all be whole.
And we'd all be whole.
Dear Friend, thanks for listening. I hope you're whole inside too.

---------

^an attempt at a charlie-esque "perks of being a wallflower" style. thoughts on it?
(yes? no? maybe? never write like this again?)

<3

2008-11-16T19:36:00.006-06:00

i'm really going to miss this.

my life.

2008-11-08T10:15:00.003-06:00

is this.
and i can honestly say i'm happy with it.

I'm not Superman.

2008-10-29T18:50:00.003-05:00

I can't rescue you all the time.

I make mistakes, and I mess up.

I'm only human.

So please, stop treating me like I'm more than that.

will you fly with me?

2008-10-08T21:47:00.000-05:00

and let go of who we used to be?
just soar amongst the skies,
above all the anger, the hurt, the lies,
because then we will be free.
we will be free.

demons.

2008-10-06T16:10:00.006-05:00

We all have our demons;
those things that haunt us in our sleep.
And in order to be free of them,
we must become strong from weak.

I guess we all have parts of our lives that we don't like to talk about.
Some people call them secrets, or dark pasts, or skeletons in the closests,
but I call them something else: demons.
The demons in my life haven't surfaced for over a year now,
and for a while, I was starting to think that they had erased themselves from my life forever.
But in the past two weeks, my demons have come back - bigger and badder than before.
It's not really them, that much I know; but the illusion of them seems just as real.

I've been dreaming about them all the time now -
heart-pounding dreams that make me toss and turn and wake with a start.
The dreams are so vivid and so real;
So real, that I can't tell when my nightmares end and when reality begins again.

I've been seeing them everywhere, too;
standing and staring at me from the back of the auditorium at play practice;
watching me as i stand talking with a group of people after school;
eyeing me as they pass by on the streets of Iowa City.
It's not really them, I know; but they look so realistic I almost stop breathing.

But why? Why now? Why again? Why me?
I guess I have a good idea.
For the first time in a long time, I'm finally happy with where I am.
Last time I was happy like this, my entire life was pulled out from underneath my feet by them.
Now, I'm scared that the same thing is happening again.

I know it's just a bad dream;
a false sighting;
perhaps just a phase.
But still - I don't what I'll do if they come back again for real.
I really don't know.

if i were to die today.

2008-10-01T18:36:00.002-05:00

Dear Master Death,
Here I am, finally yours,
a captive trapped behind your doors.
You may think that I have lost and you have won,
But that, Master Death, is where you are wrong.
For I may have been lost early, but I have missed nothing,
I may not have accomplished, but I have been something.
I have laughed and learned and cried and loved,
and I've sung and danced and wrote and hugged.
But above all this, I have been alive -
a sensation and emotion that no one survives.
And you see, Master Death, this is where I win,
Because death is about living, not about when.
Love,
Jordan

stolen.

2008-09-28T16:33:00.004-05:00

it's as if the pieces of me are breaking away,
or maybe its as if they're being wrenched off of their glue.
the parts of who i am that were once molded to me as if of clay,
now seem to belong to you.

no one sees, it seems,
the crime that's been taking place.
my hopes, my wishes, my thoughts and dreams,
are being whisked away from their case.

you have them locked behind new doors,
as i saw you steal them from where they slept.
you revealed them to the world as yours,
and all i did was stand and accept.

so i guess i'm at just as much fault as you,
for when you stole i did nothing.
i kept quite though all the while i knew,
and yet i still acted as if you would do something.

but what crinimal returns their prizes,
the ones they worked so hard to get.
so although this comes as no surprise,
i can't give up hope yet.

but look at me, here, empty and broken,
no longer who i used to be.
all because i once uttered words i shouldn't have spoken,
and, upon taking them, you also took me.

i'll never be who i once was,
just because you decided to steal.
so i hope you have a great life because
thanks to you, i never will.

jordan's top 10 reasons to be happy.

2008-09-21T21:05:00.007-05:00

10) I've finally done something illegal. (Even more illegal than the beanfield! =P)
9) I've got a part in the fall play again, and I expect to see you there opening night!
8) My XXX song might actually get recorded.
7) We're getting closer to finally becoming friends.
6) I'm passing my Kirkwood government class. Whoo!
5) I plan on writing a kickass After-Dinner Speech for speech contest this year, and I'm superpumped!
4) Ramen noodles.
3) Amusing things are happening to me almost constantly.
2) I just had a really awesome weekend.
and
1) you came back.
<33333333333333333

jordan thought #34:

2008-09-17T23:09:00.007-05:00

"we're not perfect, ~~but we should try~~."

and that's okay."

your faith, my faith.

2008-09-14T17:44:00.004-05:00

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.
-Amendment 1: Freedom of Religion, Press, Expression
U.S. Constitution.

Today I went to church with a good friend. We were attending a youth-group-type meeting where the leaders asked us questions such as:

"When did you first put your faith in God?"
"How did it feel when you did?"
"Why do you believe what you believe about Him?"

and then questions like:

"How do you know that the Bible wasn't all a big lie?"
"How do you know Jesus was God's Son and not just a moral teacher?"
"How do you know that everything about Him really happened?"

and then questions that made me pause:

"How is the Bible better than the Book of Mormon?"

I thought of all the Mormons I knew as I looked around the circle, waiting for someone to answer the question.

Shari. Aunt Happy. Aunt Kathy. Emmie. Dani. Micah. Jeremy. Mikey. Taylor. Winky. Raquel. Anders. My dad, once upon a time.

Visions of the Mormon church services, of lessons and large group meetings, of visits to the temple with my cousins, and stories upon stories of Relief Society flew through my head. The air was quiet, and it's almost as if I forgot to breathe.

The leader's wife said, "Well, the Bible was written all those years ago, and the Book of Mormon was written, what, maybe 100 years ago? And it was written by one man, what was his name..."

One girl answered. "Joseph Smith," she said. "He wrote the Book of Mormon."

There was a slight pause. And then the girl spoke again.

"Mormons," she said in a scoffing tone, "are ridiculous. I went to the church of Mormon once. All they cared about was their material things; their pillars and their glass ceilings and tiled floors. They take all their money in offerings and use it to make bigger churches to seat all their worshippers instead of giving it to starving people literally standing on their doorsteps. And their walls are lined with pictures "telling the story" of the Book of Mormon, but they don't make any sense! I didn't recognize a single one of the characters, and it was just all irrelevant. Mormons just piss me off."

My hurt plummented, and I felt kind of sick.

Shari. Aunt Happy. Aunt Kathy. Emmie. Dani. Micah. Jeremy. Mikey. Taylor. Winky. Raquel. Anders. My dad. Shari. Aunt Happy. Aunt Kathy. Emmie. Dani. Micah. Jeremy. Mikey. Taylor. Winky. Raquel. Anders. My dad. Shari. Aunt Happy. Aunt Kathy. Emmie. Dani. Micah. Jeremy. Mikey. Taylor. Winky. Raquel. Anders. My dad.

ShariAuntHappyAuntKathyEmmieDaniMicahJeremyMikeyTaylorWinkyRaquelAndersMydad.

Their names blurred together in my head as my friend spoke up and said, "They just believe something different. I mean, they still believe in God, they just believe in Him in a different way..."

ShariAuntHappyAuntKathyEmmieDaniMicahJeremyMikeyTaylorWinkyRaquelAndersMydad.

I didn't really pay that much attention to the discussions after that.

"...Mormons are ridiculous...
...cared about was their material things...
...instead of giving it to starving people..."
...just piss me off."

I knew these things weren't true - that they were opinions, not facts. That this girl had either misinterpretated that Mormons as a whole or had met some Mormons that she thought represented the whole group. Whatever she had gotten her ideas from didn't matter to me, because they still hurt.

Later, when I got home, I told Shari about what the girl had said. To my surprise, instead of being hurt about it, she laughed.

"Aren't you hurt she said those things? I mean, I know that they're not true, but doesn't it hurt to think that people think that way about you and your religion?" I asked her.
She laughed again. "In order for me to take anything seriously, I need people to have the right facts first. Mormons use the Book of Mormon AND the Bible, not instead of it. We consider the Book of Mormon as a Second Testament. And as for everything else she said, well, people are always going to think what they want. And if she doesn't have all the facts before she makes an assumption, that's her problem not mine."

I thought about what she said, and it really stuck with me.
Why do people make assumptions with getting to know the facts first?
It gave me an idea.

I promise I'll read your Bible. I'm not saying I'll believe it, and I'm not saying I won't. I'm just saying that I'll get all the facts before I decide if Christianity is or isn't right for me.

And I will. I will read your Bible. If you promise me one thing - if you read the Book of Mormon that belongs to my family and some of my closest friends before you make any assumption about them. I'm not saying you have to like it or believe it - I just think that you should get the facts someone else believes in before you trash it.

And while you're at it, you might as well check out a copy of the U.S. Constitution, Amendment 1.
"Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances."

Both you and I have the right of freedom of religion - we can believe whatever we want. In no way is one belief better than another. Interestingly enough, this same amendment also grants us the right of free speech. So I guess you could go around saying "Mormons are ridiculous" and "Jewish people are stupid", but then you would defy the rule that applies to every religion I've ever known -

be a good person.

You don't have to read the Book of Mormon. You don't have to read the Bible. You can believe whatever you believe. But there's nothing wrong with getting the facts before you trash another religion - or better yet, not trashing the religion, but accepting it as an alternative, once you have the facts after all.

So. Here we are. This is my faith:
I promise I'll read the Bible, the Book of Mormon, other religious book for different religions. I promise to keep an open mind. I promise to learn all facts before judging a religion or faith. I promise to be a good person. I can't promise that I will believe, but I promise that I will try.

So. Your turn. Your faith.
Do you promise?

did you remember what today is?

2008-09-11T18:40:00.002-05:00

you'll always be my best friend.

2008-09-09T21:17:00.005-05:00

i miss you.
i love you.

Dear Jordan,

2008-09-02T21:40:00.001-05:00

You really need to stand up for yourself more.

Love,
Jordan.

where i'm from.

2008-08-28T18:10:00.001-05:00

I am from a world too large,
A town too small,
An ambition too big,
And a to-do list too tall.
From a past too dark,
And a future too bright,
And for where I am now,
A present that's just right.

I started from a house that didn't know quite where to start,
Where what we didn't have in money we made up for in heart,
Where absent-minded fathers loved teacher moms,
Where everybody was happy and everyone got along.
I am from this place full of happiness and love,
Where you had a shoulder to lean on when push came to shove,
Where we played all day and we played all night,
Where everything always just seemed right.

I am from make-believe and storytime and the land of pretend,
Where I am in my prime with which the World must contend.
Where I am the superhero, dashing to save the day,
Where you'll be my best friend, if only to play,
Where someone else's playset is my castle in the sky,
Where if you believe, surely you can fly,
Where nothing is impossible and impossible is nothing,
Where you can be anything as long as you're something.

But I am also from lies and secrets and the bad kind of pretend,
Which leaves us sleepless and tangles us in our webs.
Where the truth doesn't come as easy as it should,
And the bad news comes around more often than the good,
Where parents fight and words sting deep,
Where the only emotion you can feel is the feeling of defeat.
Where machines bleep and boop with their shiny outfits of chrome,
And a girl with her teddy bear stands all alone.

I am from change as swift as the wind
As the things in my life end as soon as they begin
As love dissolves and is replaced with a hole
When being broken feels like all we know.
But I am also from learning how to mend
Where sometimes all you need is just a good friend
Where hearts can be broken, but all you need is glue,
Repiece it back together, and you're as good as new.

I am from a puzzle, all the pieces laid out here,
Figure out where to put them and the picture will be clear,
A photo of where love is real, and choice is yours,
Where sadness may walk but happiness soars,
Where British hats are donned and tulips bloom,
Where laughter echoes throughout every room,
Where Rockstars abound and Monsters roam,
Where the place I am now is the place I call home.

I am from these images that flash through my head,
Of the laughter, the tears, the happiness, the dread.
Of when we were young and when we grew up,
Of that national academic award and that old purple sippy cup,
Of "back-in-the-days" and "remember when..." stories,
Of all our failures and all of our glories,
Of where we are now and where we were then,
And of how all of this things make me who I have been.

this is love, and love is real.

2008-08-23T21:53:00.003-05:00

this summer, i wanted to...

2008-08-18T13:28:00.003-05:00

1) get my permit.
2) take driver's ed.
3) write. writewritewritewritewritewrite.
4) dye my hair.
5) read all the anime books that sam gave me.
~~6) actually use my deviantART for something.~~
7) go to the rockford rock quarry for a day.
8) ditto adventureland.
~~9) ditto lost island.~~
10) read several books on my "classic-literature" list, including the great gatsby, lord of the flies, catch-22, etc.
~~11) take decent pictures with my holga camera.~~[close enough!]
12) do an evil scheme.
~~13) spend a weekend camping with the posse.~~
~~14) go to at least one followed by ghosts show.~~ [two.]
15) study for the ACTs.
16) start on NHD 2009!
17) actually decorate my room.
~~18) see as many of my friends as humanly possible.~~
~~19) survive.~~
and
~~20) have fun.~~

i didn't expect to...
21) find a little-known-about cemetary.
22) be a superhero running amok the ridges.
23) run through a beanfield with my best friends.
24) steal little kids' fishy masks and cakes at a carnival.
25) eat a watermelon in the middle of the street.
26) go on flasian hunts in various places.
27) see The Phantom of the Opera on Broadway =]
28) fall in love with an adorable little girl.
---->"i'm gonna be the princess, and daddy's gonna be the prince, and you - you can be the pumpkin!"
29) make the big chocolate chip cookie EVER [okay, a pretty big one.]
30) have the most interesting cab ride of my life.
---->"that stupid jewish girl! and then she goes and marries kevin federline, that stripper."
31) write some interesting song lyrics...
32) hate my time in North Dakota so much.
33) go to a tea party and end it by eating chinese food.
34) go on a picnic.
35) play capture the flag in the dead of night.
36) have to say a temporary goodbye to one of my very best friends. =[ <33333
37) cry so much.
38) laugh so much.
39) talk so much.
and
40) have potentially the best summer of my life so far.

<3<3<3<3<3<3<3

things i have forgotten lately:

2008-08-17T15:57:00.003-05:00

1) yeah, what you did hurt.
but we all fuck-up sometimes.

2) sometimes thinking about it isn't the answer.
sometimes just living it is.

3) it really isn't any of my business.
at all.

4) two people can do the same wrong, and only one will be punished.
but just because you weren't punished doesn't mean that you weren't wrong.

5) i don't really know you.
so i really can't talk about you as if i do.

6) no one deserves to be left alone.
especially by those who promised that they would never leave to begin with.

7) trying is two-way street.
and sometimes you can't see the other car because it's simply just in your blind spot.

8) sometimes you just can't change the way things are.
you can only change how you look at them.

9) when it comes to being friends, it doesn't matter if you see things differently.
as long as you both see your friendship as the best thing of all.

10) let things change.
you'll never know what could happen unless you do.