Point of No Return:

But coming to the realization doesn't make it any easier.

New Year's Resolution:

I would like to learn how to knit.

2010:

It's been real.

Long time, no update.

I've been searching for every opportunity to post over the past few months, but time lately has carefully been eluding me. 2010 is nearly over: where has this year gone?

As of one hour ago, I've officially applied to three colleges. I was accepted to the University of Iowa a few months ago, and I am currently awaiting their acceptance/rejection of my application for a Presidential Scholarship there. Just today, I submitted apps to Sarah Lawrence and Connecticut, two small liberal arts schools I visited earlier this year when I went to New York...did I mention I flew to the East Coast to hang out with my sister and hit up potential colleges last October? It's been too long.

While it feels good to be halfway done with the tedious process of college applications, I'm honestly somewhat scared of what'll come back to me in a letter next April. Staying in Iowa wouldn't be the end of the world, but I've spent eighteen years counting on the fact that next year I would be anywhere but here; but, as they say, whatever happens happens, and one can always bloom where they are planted.

Work has been demanding, but rewarding: I love Porter's, and I learn something new every day I'm there. The paycheck could be better, but brand 'spiffs' make up for that: I made an extra $509 this Christmas season just from selling Nikon products. I'm a Canon girl all the way, but I'm not about to argue with any additional cash!

In terms of photography, I've shot one wedding, two senior photo sessions, and one family portrait session in the past few months. The experience is beyond valuable to me, and it warms my heart to see my prints hanging up in homes and frames. I showed a slideshow of some recent work at the Multimedia Art Party a few weeks ago, too.

My sisters just left after spending Christmas here in Cedar Falls. It's always great to have them home, but I wish that Aaron and Penelope (my stepbrother and his girlfriend) could have been here, too.

Honestly, the past few months have passed by me in an unfeeling and hazy blur. I've been so swamped with preoccupations that I've gone into 'auto' mode. I can't remember the last time I truly felt happy and 'in the moment': instead, I almost always feel socially awkward or unnecessarily down. I've also grown apart from a lot of my friends, and, no matter how hard I try to immerse myself back in our scene, it doesn't seem to work. I know everyone has those days, weeks, and even months - but it's my senior year, and this is certainly not how I want to spend it.

So, here's to the upcoming New Year - hopefully it's better (and doesn't fly by as quickly!) as 2010.

----

And we tumble down like Jack and Jill,

and I miss all of the joy you kill,

but I love you still: be my thrill.

Out in the harbor;

the ships roll in,
it's Christmastime.
The kids all holler;

carols cross the water,

stars that shine.

All that I want.

I'm not ready yet.

I've spent nearly eighteen years of my life doing absolutely nothing. Suddenly, out of the blue, everything's happening too fast. How come no one has told me that I should have been preparing for this all along?

With adulthood comes great responsibility. For the first time, I am a working girl, in an official job. I earn a salary; I hold a committment to my workplace. Why did it take me so long to get here?

Junior year has turned to seniority in the blink of an eye. College is too close for comfort; I'm not ready yet. I still have to take tests, write essays, earn financial aid; I have to be good enough for someplace to want me. Why would any college want to have me there?

The rest of my life is looming over me like the largest thundercloud of a summer storm. I love writing, photography, and acting, but as hobbies, not as monthly incomes. How am I going to be able to find a career?

I'm just not ready for all this yet.