2009:

Here's to you.

Chicago.

you came to take us

all things go, all things go

to recreate us

all things grow, all things grow

we had our mindset

all things know, all things know

you had to find it

all things go, all things go.

-sufjan stevens

What if

this is all there is?

Just to talk; just to talk.

I love this time of year, but not for the snow or the carols; I love it for the relationships and the unspoken closeness that appears between normal high school kids. I love it for the endless laughter because of the antics of Tad and Kyle; for the ballin secret handshake between our groups of neighbors; for the feeling of a great conversation; for the ridiculousness that is a typical biology class; for knowing that someone out there understands. I love Christmastime, but not for the presents or snow days from school; I love it for the way it binds us all together, just like the people we all really are.

Seventeen.

Already?

For Better or For Worse,

it's over.

"Meditations."

Last week, my Humanities professor assigned us to read "Meditations," a collection of thoughts, reflections, and ideals by the Roman emperor Marcus Aurelius. It's technically classified as a 'self-help' book, and I'm not going to lie: it's actually pretty ballin. Aurelius was all about change and purpose, not fearing death and being a good person; he definitely knew what was up. Here a few excerpts from it - I'd encourage you to read them and think about life for a little bit. It's an eye-opener, believe me.

2.13 "Nothing is more pathetic than people who run around in circles, 'diving into the things that lie beneath' and conducting investigations into the souls of the people around them, never realizing that all you have to do is be attentive to the power inside you and worship it sincerely. To worship it is to keep it from being muddied with turmoil and becoming aimless and dissatisfied with nature - divine and human. What is divine deserves our respect because it is good; what is human deserves our affection because it is like us. And our pity too, sometimes, for its inability to tell good from bad - as terrible a blindness as the kind that can't tell white from black."

2.17 "Human life. Duration: momentary. Nature: changeable. Perception: dim. Condition of body: decaying. Soul: spinning around. Fortune: unpredictable. Lasting fame: uncertain. Sum up: The body and its parts are a river, the soul a dream and mist, life is warfare and a journey far from home, lasting reputation is oblivion. Then what can guide us? Only philosophy. Which means making sure that the power within stays safe and free from assault, superior to pleasure and pain, doing nothing randomly or dishonestly and with imposture, not dependent on anyone else's doing something or not doing it. And making sure that it accepts what happens and what it is dealt as coming from the same place it came from. And above all, it accepts death in a cheerful spirit, as nothing but the dissolution of the elements from which each living thing is composed. If it doesn't hurt the individual elements to change continually into one another, why are people afraid of all of them changing and separating? It's a natural thing. And nothing natural is evil."

4.20 "Beautiful things of any kind are beautiful in themselves and sufficient to themselves. Praise is extraneous. The object of praise remains what it was - no better and no worse. This applies, I think, even to 'beautiful' things in ordinary life - physical objects, artworks. Does anything truly beautiful need supplementing? No more than justice does - or truth, or kindness, or humility. Are any of those suddenly improved by being praised? Or damaged by contempt? Is an emerald suddenly flawed if no one admires it? Or gold, or ivory, or purple? Lyres? Knives? Flowers? Bushes?"

5.1 "At dawn, when you have trouble getting out of bed, tell yourself: 'I have to go to work - as a human being. What do I have to complain of, if I'm going to do what I was born for - the things I was brought into this world to do? Or is this what I was created for? To huddle under the blankets and stay warm?'

-But it's nicer here...

So you were born to feel nice? Instead of doing things and experiencing them? Don't you see the plants, the birds, the ants and spiders and bees going about their individual tasks, putting the world in order, as best they can? And you're not willing to do what your nature demands?

-But we have to sleep sometime...

Agreed. But nature set a limit on that - as it did on eating and drinking. And you're over the limit. You've had more than enough of that. But not of working. There you're still below your quota. You don't love yourself enough. Or you'd love your nature too, and what it demands of you. People who love what they do wear themselves down doing it, they even forget to wash or eat. Do you have less respect for your own nature than the engraver does for engraving, the dancer for the dance, the miser for money or the social climber for status? When they're really possessed by what they do, they'd rather stop eating and sleeping than give up practicing their arts."

6.15 "Some things are rushing into existence, others out of it. Some of what now exists is already gone. Change and flux constantly remake the world, just as the incessant progression of time remakes eternity. We find ourselves in a river. Which of the things around us should we value when none of them can offer a firm foothold? Like an attachment to a sparrow: we glimpse it and it's gone."

8.19 "Everything is here for a purpose, from horses to vine shoots. What's surprising about that? Even the sun will tel you, 'I have a purpose,' and the other gods as well. And why were you born? For pleasure? See if that answer will stand up to questioning."

10. 29 "Stop whatever you're doing for a moment and ask yourself: Am I afraid of death because I won't be able to do this anymore?"

12.36 "You've lived as a citizen in a great city. Five years or a hundred - what's the difference? The laws make no distinction. And to be sent away from it, not by a tyrant or a dishonest judge but by Nature, who first invited you in - why is that so terrible? Like the impresario ringing down the curtain on an actor: 'But I've only gotten through three acts...!' Yes. This will be a drama in three acts, the length fixed by the power that directed your creation, and now directs your dissolution. Neither was yours to determine. So make your exit with grace - the same grace shown to you."

Dream Birthday Present:

Happy Homecoming,

#57.

Never forget.

Insomnia.

It's a hole that I'll never quite fill.

So, so, so.

It's so damn slow.

2752.

Only one person said it today.

"Today is September 11th."

We all seem to dance around that fact, as if not talking about it can erase the past. Or maybe it's not even that. Maybe everyone has just forgotten.

How could you forget?

2752.

In a moment, everything can change. Strangers can become lovers, silence can spread like wildfire, the Earth can swallow itself whole.

How could you forget?

2752.

Yes, the world still spins madly on. We shy away from the disaster, as if that will make everything okay. We try and forget to remember, because it makes moving on that much easier.

How could you forget?

2752.

On September 11th, two thousand seven hundred and fifty-two people died. How could you forget? That's two thousand seven hundred and fifty-two lives that burned in an inferno of hate, lost forever.

That's 2752.

Please don't forget.

Summer Lovin'.

$3 cameras, polaroids, cup of joe, birthday parties, sitting on roofs, driver's ed, asian gardens, stickam, teen trust, "she has two v's!", adorable little kids, movie nights, walgreens, smokey the bear, village inn, kanye west, cosplay, sleepovers, copies of my novel, band practice, parks, gum and noodle cups, abstract playgrounds, cruisin', holmes id lanyards, following cute boys, my waterloo days, driving around at 3 am, prostitutes at Wonderbread, boxcars, odd coincidences, winding up in the middle of nowhere, cemetary night drives, a million-plus mcdonald's trips, crashing graduation parties, four queens, Chuckles!, free rootbeer floats, capture the flag, waverly, sonic, the ledges, tennis, $6 dresses, card towers, countless wal-mart trips, recording with chris brown, barn raves, shows, kwik star's chocolate milk, older siblings and younger ones, the cedar falls mall, visitations and funerals, crying, new friends, eighth graders, the boys (featuring tha gurlz), visits from friends in faraway places, "i want to ride a motorcycle like that!", going out, dr. who, breaking in, parties with no parents, night walks, staying up much too late, job applications, ramen at four in the morning, old chicago, service hours, voice lessons, dslr cameras, walking the length of dike, the lampost, mohair pear, lockdown, kittens, games of duck duck goose, movie theatres, kid's kingdom, remington, tornado warnings, new regina spektor albums, amusing picture messages, frosting-making, playing dude, apples to apples, sushi and macadamien nut cookies, the bridges of madison county, mac&cheese, dressing up, sturgis falls, waterloo, secret buildings, surprise parties, treasure hunts, the humane society, big booty, shopping, swimming, scary movies, panera, my driver's license, stalking, trampolines, haircuts, lost island, letters, tea parties, "birds! birds! cards! cards!", the waffle stop, kidnapping, sub city, trinkets and togs, the bike trail, sword and belt balloons, chalk drawing, dairy queen, panda puzzles, bike riding, meeting new people, road trips, good-bye parties, chinese food, paddleboating on the ridges pond, camping trips, midnight premieres, ghosty pictures, high school musical at the waterloo playhouse, cheap manga, "hey - good mornin!", intense games of mao, harry potter and the half-blood prince, canoeing, acoustic shows, heritage days, jars of jalapeños, parades, throwing down, fleming the bird, bubbles, fire safety videos, traer, infinity and beyond, janesville, picnics with fake food, sleeping the day away, chicken noodle soup, muffins with sprinkles, belegarth!, pokemon puzzles, saran wrap and car chalk, good books, binoculars, board games in public places, human anatomy and physiology, breakfast picnics, minigolf, the bremer county fair, mustaches, settlers of catan, nauvoo, cardboard cut-outs, (500) days of summer, three-way calling, "people with morals aren't allowed to know if they're in a relationship or not.", AnimeIowa!, speech parties, uni, project runway season premiere, hy-vee trips, "slutslutslutsluteeyore!", drama kickoffs, red rover, great talks, fake friends, huge hugs, chalkboard drawings, "legit hoes", being on the fritz, costumes, "does the bride come with potatoes?", saying good-bye, and having a ballin' summer.