"my fingertips are holding onto the cracks in our foundation,
and i know that i should let go,
but i can't.
and every time we fight,
i know it's not right,
every time that you're upset and i smile.
i know i should forget,
but i can't."
-foundations, kate nash
someone told me the other day to go listen to kate nash, so i did. this is the first song she has on her myspace, and after listening to it just once, i fell in love. after listening to her entire album, i still pick "foundations" as my favorite song; i think it actually kinda relates to me right now. anyway, go give the song and her a listen. you'll like it. i promise.
"i know that i should let go,
but i can't."
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
right now, i feel;
like complete and utter crap.
there aren't any words for me to describe my feelings right now - i'm mad, sad, devastated, disappointed, angry, furious, dissatisified, let down, terrible, and any and all in between. i have the worst headache possible in the world, and my heart feels like its being smashed by a hammer into a jillion little pieces. how's that for a description?
i've waited. you build me up, then let me down. i'm sick of it, but i won't do anything about it. i don't know if it's because i'm too scared; or if i just really can't.
haha, i'm even so pathetic that i've earned the pity of those who won't even give me the time of day normally.
i feel kind of sick, like when you get off the silly silo after going around and around and around multiple times, and stuffing your face full of carmel corn, and then sitting down and feeling like you're going to vomit. that's how i feel right now. funny how i never thought i'd let someone hurt me that much.
but don't mind me. this is just another angst-fueled blog posted by one angsty teen. i'll probably regret typing all this at some point later on, but i right now, i don't freakin care. like i said to bri earlier: "i can be sad any time i freakin' want!" but then i realized that although i may be able to make myself be sad any time i want, i'm unable to prevent it sometimes.
really wanting a hug,
jordan.
there aren't any words for me to describe my feelings right now - i'm mad, sad, devastated, disappointed, angry, furious, dissatisified, let down, terrible, and any and all in between. i have the worst headache possible in the world, and my heart feels like its being smashed by a hammer into a jillion little pieces. how's that for a description?
i've waited. you build me up, then let me down. i'm sick of it, but i won't do anything about it. i don't know if it's because i'm too scared; or if i just really can't.
haha, i'm even so pathetic that i've earned the pity of those who won't even give me the time of day normally.
i feel kind of sick, like when you get off the silly silo after going around and around and around multiple times, and stuffing your face full of carmel corn, and then sitting down and feeling like you're going to vomit. that's how i feel right now. funny how i never thought i'd let someone hurt me that much.
but don't mind me. this is just another angst-fueled blog posted by one angsty teen. i'll probably regret typing all this at some point later on, but i right now, i don't freakin care. like i said to bri earlier: "i can be sad any time i freakin' want!" but then i realized that although i may be able to make myself be sad any time i want, i'm unable to prevent it sometimes.
really wanting a hug,
jordan.
Sunday, January 20, 2008
SPEECH!;
so speech contest was yesterday, and it was freakin' amazing. i had a real great time, and i hope everyone else did, too.
our reader's theatre got a 1, so we're going to state in two weeks! :D
i got to see the nerd posse and get millions of (slightly life-threatening?) hugs. :P :D <3
i got to see FAITHE, after much too long a separation. <333333333
i got to meet "mcdreamy", and let me just say, i approve. :P :D
i played hackysack (terribly, i might add) but it was real fun.
i actually spoke to emily. and not in a mean way. like wow.
i got to see most of all the wsr speeches that i had wanted to see.
my team and i were really unified when it came to time for our speech. it was an amazing feeling, and i think it showed in our performance. <3
i met some kinda creepy, kinda cool people.
i had amazing conversations with pretty much everyone and anyone. whoa.
so really, i had a fantastic day. except for one thing. but i tried not to let it overshadow my day, and i'll try even harder at state.
anyway, i wish i could remember all and everything that happened, but i can't. my memory might be jogged when i see mason's tape of some of it, though. :P
so, who's ready for STATE?
our reader's theatre got a 1, so we're going to state in two weeks! :D
i got to see the nerd posse and get millions of (slightly life-threatening?) hugs. :P :D <3
i got to see FAITHE, after much too long a separation. <333333333
i got to meet "mcdreamy", and let me just say, i approve. :P :D
i played hackysack (terribly, i might add) but it was real fun.
i actually spoke to emily. and not in a mean way. like wow.
i got to see most of all the wsr speeches that i had wanted to see.
my team and i were really unified when it came to time for our speech. it was an amazing feeling, and i think it showed in our performance. <3
i met some kinda creepy, kinda cool people.
i had amazing conversations with pretty much everyone and anyone. whoa.
so really, i had a fantastic day. except for one thing. but i tried not to let it overshadow my day, and i'll try even harder at state.
anyway, i wish i could remember all and everything that happened, but i can't. my memory might be jogged when i see mason's tape of some of it, though. :P
so, who's ready for STATE?
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
truth 2.0;
some people have told me that they thought that my previous truth blog was too vague and couldn't find themselves on it. i thought about it and re-wrote it, condensing it to those closest to me/to those who i really truly wish i could say something to, and writing more about each particular person. i think i like it better this way, and as i was re-writing some of these, i realized i would always have new truths i wish i could tell people. so who knows; maybe i'll make this a regular type of post. maybe not. but for now, read on. and i've decided that i will tell you which one is yours if you ask; truths were, after all, meant to be told. [note: i will not reveal who was who on my previous truth blog, however. sorry guys.]
1) once upon a time, we lived in a world where we were pirates and being stupid and blonde was fun. then something happened. we don't live like that anymore. i'm not quite sure if i miss you or if i even miss what we had - it's more like i just have moved on. sometimes i say that i hate you; but those words seem too strong. i guess it's more like i hate what you've become; and that i wish everything could be like it was before.
2) you've been my candle in the darkness; you've help me see the light. you've been there for me through everything. i can sign on to AIM at one in the morning, sobbing my eyes out, and you'll be there, waiting for me, listening to me, still loving me. you always forgive me, even when i screw up in the worst ways. one day, i asked why you forgave me. i will never forget what you said: "because, jordan; friends are supposed to understand." you're my best friend, forever. i love you. <3
3) when we first became friends, i felt a strong connection between us. you helped me let down my guard, and i did. i gave you a piece of my heart that day, but you passed it on and broke it. because of that, i don't let down my guard as easily anymore. i just want you to know that i miss you, though. i miss what we used to have together, all the good times and memories. maybe someday we can rebuild what's left and be friends again...but i don't think we'll ever have what we used to.
4) you're the worst kind of person there is. i can't stand the way that you knowingly take advantage of my friend's emotions and toy with her heart. we used to be able to talk about anything, but you've changed. i know now you don't actually care, and it makes me wonder if you ever did.
5) i have not forgotten you; i don't think i ever will. i'm sorry for not giving you a chance. i know you'll never read this, but i miss you lots and lots. sometimes i wonder how different life would be if i had said "yes."
6) you're a beautiful person with a beautiful heart, but i don't think you have any idea. i know we don't know each other that well, but i love you with all that i have.
7) i never know what to think about you. telling you how i feel might have been my best decision or my biggest mistake this year. show me that it was the first one...please?
8) your post about me was the only one that made me cry. it's sad because it's so true. you have no idea how sorry i am that this has happened. i'm so sorry that i haven't tried harder to keep this going, and i'll fight even harder now; but i know that might not even make a difference. we may never have again what we had before, but that doesn't mean we still can't be friends. i love you so much, and i will forever remember our memories together. i miss you, and you will always remain in my heart as one of my very best friends. i love you. <3
9) you're one of the only people who has looked past my label this year to find the girl underneath, not to mention one of the only people who's actually cared this entire year. i'm so happy that you feel like you can talk to me about your problems, and i love the fact that you're looking out for me too.
10) i love the way you always understand what to say; or sometimes when its best not to say anything. we've had some of the best memories of my life together (in-infinitesimal memories!), ones that make me smile on the bad days, and you've always been there when i needed you the most. we can talk or do anything with each other and still have the best time. i adore the way i can come back after being gone, and you can still love me as if i had never left. right about now, though, i could really use one of your hugs - they make my world seem so much better. i miss you. i love you. <3
11) you're the strongest person i know. no one should ever have to go through what you and i have been through, but it has brought us closer together than ever. you're the only person who's been there all along the way. and even though sometimes you make me madder than can be, i still love you because i know you're doing what's right...even though its hard. thank you...for everything.
12) you're my ninnymuggins, and even though i hardly get to see you, i still love you. you have taught so much, and you've always been there for me to vent to. i can't imagine my life without having met you, and frankly, i don't want to imagine such a life. you make me smile without even trying, and if i hadn't met you that fateful day on those junior high steps, i don't know where i would be now. you've taught to me to love with my heart, and it's one of the most important lessons i've ever learned. i love how i can be all parts of myself around you, from crazy/stupid to serious/helpful. thank you. i miss you more than imaginable.
13) you're crazy, goofy, weird, and stupid - and that's why i love you. don't ever change. please.
14) i'm terribly sorry that you had to hear my true feelings that way. please know that i never wanted it to be like this. i'm so sorry. you're one of my very best friends, and you have no idea how much it means to me that you can tell me anything. i can always count on you to stand up for me wherever and whenever, and that means the world to me. we have had some of the best times together, even though we've only been friends for a few months. you love easily, which is part of what makes you so loveable, and i adore the way you can make me so happy just by being there. just know that i am worried for you, and i want you to look out for yourself. please be careful, and know that when worst comes to worst, i'll be here, waiting. i love you. <3
15) you have changed so much. i know you don't really know where you're going or what you're doing anymore, but can't you take advantage of what you have?
16) you're one of my heroes, although no one knows it. i look up to you, and ever since i've met you, i've wanted to be just like you. but we've grown apart lately, and i don't know what choices you may be making in your life. i just hope that they are the right ones.
17) i think of you as my other half sometimes - you're so goofy and crazy, and i love you for it. some of the best moments of my life have come about because of you, and i'm so happy to have met you. we've had some of the best times in the world together; laughing so hard our stomachs hurt; but we've also taken on the toughest kind of problems. you've shown me so much about life, more than you'll probably ever know, and i wish that i had the strength you have. you never fail to make me smile without even trying, and you make life the funnest it can possibly be. i love you. 3>
18) your silliness makes me smile endlessly, and even though we've known each other for a few years, we've only just started to bond. it makes me so unbelievably happy that you say that i inspire you; but what you don't know is that you inspire me, too. you're becoming one of my new best friends. i love you.
19) this is all your fault, and for that, i will never forgive you. i think about you a lot, and whenever i do, i can't stop crying. sometimes i hate you with all my heart, but at the same time, i just can't hate you. i can't love you, though, either; not after this.
20) i can't stop you from doing what i fear the most. i hope you're a good enough person to control your emotions, but even if you can't, i'm powerless against you. my heart rests in your hands, and you have the power to crush it and let it crumple. i hope you don't....but with me out of the way, you'll be able to get what you want. i want to believe that you won't, but i know that you will.
21) i've thought long and hard about what i wish i could tell you. the only thing i can think of? the truth.
1) once upon a time, we lived in a world where we were pirates and being stupid and blonde was fun. then something happened. we don't live like that anymore. i'm not quite sure if i miss you or if i even miss what we had - it's more like i just have moved on. sometimes i say that i hate you; but those words seem too strong. i guess it's more like i hate what you've become; and that i wish everything could be like it was before.
2) you've been my candle in the darkness; you've help me see the light. you've been there for me through everything. i can sign on to AIM at one in the morning, sobbing my eyes out, and you'll be there, waiting for me, listening to me, still loving me. you always forgive me, even when i screw up in the worst ways. one day, i asked why you forgave me. i will never forget what you said: "because, jordan; friends are supposed to understand." you're my best friend, forever. i love you. <3
3) when we first became friends, i felt a strong connection between us. you helped me let down my guard, and i did. i gave you a piece of my heart that day, but you passed it on and broke it. because of that, i don't let down my guard as easily anymore. i just want you to know that i miss you, though. i miss what we used to have together, all the good times and memories. maybe someday we can rebuild what's left and be friends again...but i don't think we'll ever have what we used to.
4) you're the worst kind of person there is. i can't stand the way that you knowingly take advantage of my friend's emotions and toy with her heart. we used to be able to talk about anything, but you've changed. i know now you don't actually care, and it makes me wonder if you ever did.
5) i have not forgotten you; i don't think i ever will. i'm sorry for not giving you a chance. i know you'll never read this, but i miss you lots and lots. sometimes i wonder how different life would be if i had said "yes."
6) you're a beautiful person with a beautiful heart, but i don't think you have any idea. i know we don't know each other that well, but i love you with all that i have.
7) i never know what to think about you. telling you how i feel might have been my best decision or my biggest mistake this year. show me that it was the first one...please?
8) your post about me was the only one that made me cry. it's sad because it's so true. you have no idea how sorry i am that this has happened. i'm so sorry that i haven't tried harder to keep this going, and i'll fight even harder now; but i know that might not even make a difference. we may never have again what we had before, but that doesn't mean we still can't be friends. i love you so much, and i will forever remember our memories together. i miss you, and you will always remain in my heart as one of my very best friends. i love you. <3
9) you're one of the only people who has looked past my label this year to find the girl underneath, not to mention one of the only people who's actually cared this entire year. i'm so happy that you feel like you can talk to me about your problems, and i love the fact that you're looking out for me too.
10) i love the way you always understand what to say; or sometimes when its best not to say anything. we've had some of the best memories of my life together (in-infinitesimal memories!), ones that make me smile on the bad days, and you've always been there when i needed you the most. we can talk or do anything with each other and still have the best time. i adore the way i can come back after being gone, and you can still love me as if i had never left. right about now, though, i could really use one of your hugs - they make my world seem so much better. i miss you. i love you. <3
11) you're the strongest person i know. no one should ever have to go through what you and i have been through, but it has brought us closer together than ever. you're the only person who's been there all along the way. and even though sometimes you make me madder than can be, i still love you because i know you're doing what's right...even though its hard. thank you...for everything.
12) you're my ninnymuggins, and even though i hardly get to see you, i still love you. you have taught so much, and you've always been there for me to vent to. i can't imagine my life without having met you, and frankly, i don't want to imagine such a life. you make me smile without even trying, and if i hadn't met you that fateful day on those junior high steps, i don't know where i would be now. you've taught to me to love with my heart, and it's one of the most important lessons i've ever learned. i love how i can be all parts of myself around you, from crazy/stupid to serious/helpful. thank you. i miss you more than imaginable.
13) you're crazy, goofy, weird, and stupid - and that's why i love you. don't ever change. please.
14) i'm terribly sorry that you had to hear my true feelings that way. please know that i never wanted it to be like this. i'm so sorry. you're one of my very best friends, and you have no idea how much it means to me that you can tell me anything. i can always count on you to stand up for me wherever and whenever, and that means the world to me. we have had some of the best times together, even though we've only been friends for a few months. you love easily, which is part of what makes you so loveable, and i adore the way you can make me so happy just by being there. just know that i am worried for you, and i want you to look out for yourself. please be careful, and know that when worst comes to worst, i'll be here, waiting. i love you. <3
15) you have changed so much. i know you don't really know where you're going or what you're doing anymore, but can't you take advantage of what you have?
16) you're one of my heroes, although no one knows it. i look up to you, and ever since i've met you, i've wanted to be just like you. but we've grown apart lately, and i don't know what choices you may be making in your life. i just hope that they are the right ones.
17) i think of you as my other half sometimes - you're so goofy and crazy, and i love you for it. some of the best moments of my life have come about because of you, and i'm so happy to have met you. we've had some of the best times in the world together; laughing so hard our stomachs hurt; but we've also taken on the toughest kind of problems. you've shown me so much about life, more than you'll probably ever know, and i wish that i had the strength you have. you never fail to make me smile without even trying, and you make life the funnest it can possibly be. i love you. 3>
18) your silliness makes me smile endlessly, and even though we've known each other for a few years, we've only just started to bond. it makes me so unbelievably happy that you say that i inspire you; but what you don't know is that you inspire me, too. you're becoming one of my new best friends. i love you.
19) this is all your fault, and for that, i will never forgive you. i think about you a lot, and whenever i do, i can't stop crying. sometimes i hate you with all my heart, but at the same time, i just can't hate you. i can't love you, though, either; not after this.
20) i can't stop you from doing what i fear the most. i hope you're a good enough person to control your emotions, but even if you can't, i'm powerless against you. my heart rests in your hands, and you have the power to crush it and let it crumple. i hope you don't....but with me out of the way, you'll be able to get what you want. i want to believe that you won't, but i know that you will.
21) i've thought long and hard about what i wish i could tell you. the only thing i can think of? the truth.
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
oh man!;
i can't wait until friday is over. this last week of the semester is uber-stressful, with wayyyy too many projects due, not to mention speech in full swing, and musical auditions. i don't even have time to think. today was a half-day, but i didn't get home until like 5 anyway; and then i ate food and fell asleep on my couch. that's how exhausted i am - me, the girl that NEVER naps. plus, i haven't talked to really any waverly people this week - not even bri, which makes me sad.
anyway.
so here i am, checking my facebook before bed, when i get a stupid invitation for (as usual) a stupid application called "What kind of guy will you fall for?" for some reason, i decide to add it, and take the quiz.
results;!
I would fall for a Nerd
Your man is socially awkward and completely sweet. Although other people may make fun of him now, just wait a few years and those same people that made fun of him will probably be working for him. He will worship the ground you walk on and love you like crazy, although he may not always know how to express it. You find his awkwardness endearing because you know that underneath all that nervous stuttering and passion for obscure subjects is a really great guy who adores you!
XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
i'm pretty sure that just made my night.
oh yeah, and that make-a-baby application? THE BEGINNING OF THE DOWNFALL OF SOCIETY AS WE KNOW IT! ...designer babies much?
but you probably don't even know what i'm talking about. i'm ranting, as usual.
oh man! i'm gonna go to bed. but no fear; in 7 hours i will be up again, attempting to finish a written proposal for science and trying not to fall alseep in spanish again.
lovejordan
anyway.
so here i am, checking my facebook before bed, when i get a stupid invitation for (as usual) a stupid application called "What kind of guy will you fall for?" for some reason, i decide to add it, and take the quiz.
results;!
I would fall for a Nerd
Your man is socially awkward and completely sweet. Although other people may make fun of him now, just wait a few years and those same people that made fun of him will probably be working for him. He will worship the ground you walk on and love you like crazy, although he may not always know how to express it. You find his awkwardness endearing because you know that underneath all that nervous stuttering and passion for obscure subjects is a really great guy who adores you!
XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
i'm pretty sure that just made my night.
oh yeah, and that make-a-baby application? THE BEGINNING OF THE DOWNFALL OF SOCIETY AS WE KNOW IT! ...designer babies much?
but you probably don't even know what i'm talking about. i'm ranting, as usual.
oh man! i'm gonna go to bed. but no fear; in 7 hours i will be up again, attempting to finish a written proposal for science and trying not to fall alseep in spanish again.
lovejordan
Saturday, January 5, 2008
dear you;
i don't think you realize how important you are to me. it breaks my heart that i can't be with you everyday, or even talk to you for that matter. i know that you're at an eventful time in your life, and i respect that; but i've spent too long waiting. i just want to be with you more; to hear you talk; to laugh at your jokes. and if you don't want that, you shouldn't keep pretending like you do. it hurts me to say this, but i'm not happy like this; all i do is keep waiting for those small moments when i'm with you...and when they come, i feel like the happiest person alive. i never want to give that feeling of happiness up. but i'm tired of waiting for these little moments that happen every few weeks, or sometimes every few months. i'm tired of waiting, period. i like you, a lot; there's no other way for me to say it. i know you have a lot of other things in your life that you could be busy worrying and caring about - but just for once, i want to be the person you're worrying about. i want to be the person you care about more than anything else in the world. i want to be the person that you can't stop thinking about, and that you're excited about getting to go see. i want to to be the person you turn to first with your problems and your good news, and the person you call every night just to see how their day went, and the person you'll come and visit just because you miss me. i want to be your best friend, your favorite person, your lover, but maybe high school relationships don't work like that anymore. maybe no relationship does. i know i've made a lot of mistakes about this whole thing, but you've got to cut me some slack - i don't know what i'm doing! this is my first time at trying somthing like this, and i'm doing everything i can think of, but it's not enough. i want to make this work, and i will try my hardest to keep it alive; but i can't do it all my own. i'm sorry that this isn't working out the way it's supposed to.
the only thing i have left to say is this: are you happy?
if you aren't, what are we doing?
the only thing i have left to say is this: are you happy?
if you aren't, what are we doing?
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
new year's resolution?
every year, i make a new year's resolution, pledging to make at least one particular thing better about myself. i usually forget the resolution by the second week in January, and i don't even remember new year's by march. this year, though, i was going to blog my resolutions so i wouldn't forget them, and make them something along the lines like this:
1) be a better person.
2) talk to sam dorrance more.
3) actually do my math homework.
4) have fun.
then i decided that those were crappy new year's resolutions, and i threw away that idea and tried to think up new ones. then i thought, "what the heck, jordan? you need a new year's resolution in order to change those things? you needed a new year to come along to be a better person, to talk to sam more, to do your math homework, to have fun? no, you don't. you're stupid."
so my new year's resolution this year is to not have a new year's resolution, but to have resolutions when i need them. don't decide to change something because it's a tradition; change something when it needs to be changed. sure, those resolutions above are still my goals, but they're not my goals for the new year. they're my goals for the new me.
cliche? yes. important? more.
1) be a better person.
2) talk to sam dorrance more.
3) actually do my math homework.
4) have fun.
then i decided that those were crappy new year's resolutions, and i threw away that idea and tried to think up new ones. then i thought, "what the heck, jordan? you need a new year's resolution in order to change those things? you needed a new year to come along to be a better person, to talk to sam more, to do your math homework, to have fun? no, you don't. you're stupid."
so my new year's resolution this year is to not have a new year's resolution, but to have resolutions when i need them. don't decide to change something because it's a tradition; change something when it needs to be changed. sure, those resolutions above are still my goals, but they're not my goals for the new year. they're my goals for the new me.
cliche? yes. important? more.
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