i still remember;

the way i rang in the year 2007.

i was at sam niles' house, and everyone had plans except for me, sam, and elizabeth. so we congregated at sam's house and spent hours playing poker and spoons with her parents. we chowed down on puppy chow and cookie dough, and we watched disney channel's premeire episode of the replacements at midnight (the one with Zac Efron!:P). it was small, but it was nice.

i still remember 2007. i still remember...

i still remember that month of january; when sam brooks turned fourteen, and she had a bunch of us girls over (we called ourselves the nerd posse). when i was happy, because i had found the best friends i could ever possibly have. <3 when i felt like i could take on anything, as long as they were by my side.


i still remember that month of febuary; when sam niles and i went to state speech contest and fell in love, pledging to join the next year. when our nerd posse, looking so happy on sam's couch the month before, began fighting over the stupidest things, like state basketball and boys, like we never had before. when i cared too much about what other people might be saying about me, instead of holding my head up high and not caring at all.


i still remember that month of march; when we went to district history day and blew our judges and audience away, and advancing on to state competition. when our nerd posse was involved in more of a fued than ever, and when our friendship began breaking apart. when i began to question myself and my decisions in life.


i still remember that month of april; when our posse was barely on speaking terms with some of its members. when i met sam dorrance at the high school play. when we went to state history day and our judges didn't even bother paying attention to what we had to say, ignoring us, and definitely not marking us down for run-offs. when we started a new friendship with a girl named brianne. when life was fun to live; except for the snide comments made by "friends."


i still remember that month of may; when i found out i was moving, and i cried for hours and hours. when we tried our mock trial case at the court house. when our posse was two members less than it had been before. when we made up for our lack of two members by inviting nicole's boyfriend to our first boy-girl movie night. when i gave my heart to five special girls, trusting them not to break it; and they still haven't. <3


i still remember that month of june; when my friends and i graduated from junior high, excited for our lives in high school. when i went to my first show at the waverly skatepark. when i went paintballing for the first time with the sams. when megan cotter and i wore snazzy sunglasses together. when elizabeth and i broke it down at the library dance, and joked around with dan like in the good old days. when elizabeth made me the most heartfelt going away present ever, and i cried tears of joy, and sadness, and laughter when reading it. when i said goodbye to wavetown and moved to cedar falls. when i sent sam dorrance a pizza, and was oddly introduced to what high school would be like. when i stopped caring what other people thought, and when i started being ME.


i still remember that month of july; when summer was in full blast, and when most of my days were spent working on our house. when RAGBRAI came through cf. when i spent a tortorous week at my grandma's in north dakota with her and my mom. when i wrote poetry everyday to keep myself from crying too much more. when i felt so alone some days that all i could do was wait for someone to rescue me from this new and strange life...but no one did.


i still remember that month of august; when we went to lost island and met sam niles' friends from clear lake. when our nerd posse had our last party for the summer. when school at NU started. when i went to waverly's first school dance. when i met classy peeps at my first high school party. when i started to feel introverted, and i kept more to myself than ever before.


i still remember that month of septemer; when school play auditions were held, and i was one of the two freshmen to get a part. when homecoming came and went. when i went to my second show ever, played at the hearst center, and when i learned the meaning of good music. when school seemed stupid, and i just kind of gave up on caring. when i only gave half my best because it got me by. when every day seemed the same. when i never opened up because i got the feeling that no one would want to listen to what i had to say.


i still remember that month of october; when i went to some waverly football games, and after seeing people i loved, felt better overall. when play practice was in full swing. when i got to see a long lost friend after many years of separation. when i felt the first tremors of a strong
connection with several people; people i'm glad to now call my friends.


i still remember that month of november; when i went to see waverly's beauty and the beast musical. when my school play premeired, and (most) of the people that mattered to me most were there to support me <3. when our posse had our first party since that august, and we ran to fareway in the dark, skipping down streets and being ourselves. when i turned 15, and felt absolutly no different than before. when i realized that i hadn't been giving my all anymore, and i tried harder at school. when i began to educate myself again by reading more and getting online less. when i started to care again; a feeling i had missed.


i still remember this month of december; when i made the cut for the NU reader's theatre speech team. when i started bonding more with people, instead of keeping to myself. when i realized how important my family was to me. when christmas came, as did the relatives, and went. when i started doing more with my life. when i decided that i was going to start writing again. when i started being more happy, in general. when i finally felt like i belonged again. <3


at the beginning of this year, i was so much more different than i am now. a gawky junior high kid that didn't think more than two days in advance, and only then about things like celebrities and friendship fights. now, i'm still kind of gawky, but i'm a freshman in high school. i know what path i want to take in life, and which ones i don't. i care about people and things that are important to me, and i don't let other people's decisions change mine. this year has taught me to be a stronger person. it's taught me to care, to be nice, to be there for those who need me; but most of all, it's taught me to love. i hope 2008 can keep it up.

the truth;

a list of things i wish i could tell other people.
(stolen from winky!)

if we're even slightly friends, you're probably on this list. i put everyone on it i could think of at the moment. don't assume you're a certain one - if you really want to know which one is yours, you can talk to me about it. but i reserve the right to not tell you.

you can make me smile without effort. i love you....forever.

i don't know what i was thinking when i thought you were a good person. you're a terrible influence, and i wish you would stay away.

you let our friendship go to waste because of your pride, and i will never forgive you for that.

i think you're amazing, but i always screw things up so that it seems like i don't like you. i do. there's no other way to say it.

i love you, but sometimes you're too touchy-feely. i love hugs as much as the next person, but i like my personal space too.

i barely know you, but i think we could be the best of friends.

i'm glad i met you. you've changed my life.

you've stayed with me even though i've left, and you still love me the same. we can still share our problems with each other and help each other through it all. thank you. i love and miss you.

you're the first one i always turn to with a problem - you always understand, even when i screw up in the worst ways. i'm sad we never really bonded until now; but i know that with you, i've got a friendship for life. i love you. <3

you are one of the most romantic people i've ever met. your ideas are cute, and i know every girl that you ever date will love your cute ideas and presents.

you kind of creep me out a little. i wish i knew you better.

i'm glad i met you this year. in you, i see parts of myself.

you're really stupid, not to mention immature. i'm going to laugh when you graduate from high school and flounder around helplessly in the real world - you deserve it for acting the way you do.

i wish you stood up for yourself.

we never talk anymore, and i feel our friendship fading away. i never want that to happen, but i don't know how to stop it.

you're goofy, and i love you. i don't even know how we met, even though it was just this year, but i'm so glad we did :D

i wish you were more original; i want to see who YOU are, not who everyone else is.

you've made some choices in your life that i don't agree with.

i love you, but sometimes it feels like i barely know you, even though we've known each other for years.

when i look at you, i see myself as if i were a guy. i wish we were better friends.

you've got an amazing talent, and i hope you go far with it.

i'm tired of never knowing if you're being serious or not.

you're insane, but i like it. i wish we hung out more, because you can make me laugh.

i don't like your fakeness - we're not friends, and there's no need to pretend we are.

lately, we've started getting along really well, and it makes me happy. i never realized you were that fun to be around.

you're an extremely cool person. i feel like sometimes i could talk all day with you.

you worry too much sometimes. c'mon, relax a little.

you're disrespectful and rude to everyone; and yet you wonder why they treat you the same way.

i'm glad i'm taking math with you - who else would i write notes to during class? :D but seriously, you're an amazing person i'm glad to have met this year. i'm looking forward to becoming better friends with you.

what friendship? we're not friends.

i don't want to offend anyone here. if you want to know which one is yours, you can ask me. or not. sometimes, things like that are better left unknown anyway.

goodnight everyone.

oh yeah; and merry christmas :D

lately, i've been

really happy. it's a change, and i like it.

i feel like i've started to do more with my life - like i'm starting to get out there more. i don't feel as sad anymore; i'm happy more than i'm not. it might be the fact that christmas is here, or it could be the fact that i've finally gotten back into something fun schoolwise ~ i made the cut for the reader's theater group for our NU speech team, and i'm so grateful, not to mention verrry excited!

break so far has been amazing - i'm so happy that we can have fun without the loom of homework and school over our heads (although i do have a speech due when we get back - an entire persuasive speech on designer babies!)

i don't know why, but lately i've felt just a lot freer. been letting go and having more fun. happier, all in all. the only thing that's really troubling me is still my search for a hobby to go after - something i love and that i'm good at. i guess i'll just have to keep working on that one.

i guess i can also credit my newfound happiness to some of the PostSecret cards i've been reading lately ~ they let me know i'm not alone.


to anyone who may stumble across this and read it: i don't know who you are, but i want you to be happy. take it from someone who knows: life has more in store for you than you may think. i may not know you, but i love you. i hope you're ok, wherever you are.

i wish i could write like this;

Beyond power lines and busy lives is churning water that has
consumed the bodies and swallowed the lives of unsure saints in an infinite
baptism. Standing on the rocks at the edge of the sea, you see an ancient
cathedral where sky and water touch. Its stained glass windows flicker through
the mist. Under the moon, it transmits the sound of one thousand lovers sighing;
floating to you like a silk wall. The tapestry of sound flattens the waves and
approaches you, until it wraps itself around you, kissing your skin. In the
moonlight, you are protected. You are a lover. It is the most beautiful moment
ever lived. Monolithic guitars swell to heavenly apogees then crash to the
sands. Undulating baselines move mountains, changing the landscape like wounded heartbeats. The drums of ancient rituals pray for relief. Cymbals twinkle as stars in a universe newly created. These are the visions and moments that define priva.

well, what are you waiting for?

go.

www.myspace.com/privamusic

i'm scared for you.

please, no.

you were amazing the way you were, not the way you're becoming.

if this is who you want to be, i suppose i'll be happy for you. i'll live with it. but will you ever be able to live with yourself?

God? Jesus? Huh?!

religion is a weird topic. sometimes, people get really defensive about their particular religion - either that, or persuasive, trying to convince you that what they believe is the only "right" way.

if someone asks me my religious beliefs, (or the more common phrase, "what are you?"), i ususally answer as "uhm...i don't really know." which is true - i really don't.

religion is kind of a funny thing to me; growing up, my family hasn't stayed in any one church for all that long. i've been christian, catholic, lutheran, methodist, even mormon...and i don't know what half of those things even mean.

when i was younger, church was a dreaded word. i used the excuse of being uncertain in my religious beliefs to get me out of going to it - i told my parents that i could better pray and preach from inside my own home. in reality, i just didn't want to get up early on a sunday morning.

as i grew up, religion became less and less mentioned around my house. we stopped going to church, except for on the special holidays. sometimes, we would switch churches; one day, we went to Trinity instead of Redeemer, and we never went back to Redeemer again. then the days rolled by...and we just didn't even think about church anymore. we stopped going. period.

a couple of summers later, i flew solo to california to spend the summer with my cousins. i hadn't thought about church - and when i got there, i was treated with a surprise. my cousins? they followed a religion i hadn't tried yet - mormon.

the biggest shock to me wasn't the religion itself - it was the setup. church went for three hours - and for someone who hadn't been conditioned to attending such a thing, i was wiped from all the religion by the time we got home each sunday. it was interesting, though - this was the closest i'd ever gotten with a religion, and i had discussions with my aunt about it. i told her how now i was starting to feel terrible for not attending church all these years, when they were here putting in three hours every week, not even counting wednesday nights. she encouraged me to talk to my parents about it, and she told me something i'd never known before: my dad had been a mormon.

it's a long story. basically, here's the gist of it:
while he was growing up, my dad's entire family was mormon. mormons have this thing called a "mission" - i don't really know all that much about it, but it's basically when they take a year or so after high school and go around in a certain location trying to spread the word of the mormon church and to recruit new members. my dad's sister, heidi, went on a mission to hawaii after high school. while on her mission, she contracted pancreatic cancer, and had to hospitilazed. it was severe, and she was very sick. the church refused to help pay the medical bills for her. heidi died that year, still on her mission serving her church, and my dad turned his back on the mormon church. he doesn't necessarily hold the church responsible for what happened; it's more like his faith in it had been broken. my dad hasn't been to any mormon church services since.

all of this was news to me, and i didn't blame my dad one bit for his decision to leave, and i still don't. i didn't not become a mormon because of what happened - for all i know, i still might pursue that religion later on in my life. i didn't become a mormon because it's not right for me, right now.

i came back from california with a new, interesting outlook on religion. i still didn't have one, but i had experienced a new one that i hadn't known existed - how many other religions out there have i yet to try?

it was ironic. that year, i met a kid at my junior high school who was mormon. he didn't talk to me about his religion, but i know a lot of people made fun of him for it, due to the whole "mormons having multiple wives" thing, back in the olden days. the irony continued when my dad married his high school sweetheart, a mormon, that following summer. shari has tried to convince me to go with her to church many times, but i haven't yet. at least she has enough good sense to not even offer that to my dad.

religion started getting mentioned more and more as i grew up. i went to OneFest that year with some friends; a concert type thing where christian rock bands played that advertised and promoted prayer to God. i didn't come back "changed" or anything; i still believed the same things. i visited my grandma, a diehard christian, and attended church with her (she doesn't respond well to the whole "i don't know what i believe in" thing). i still felt the same exiting that church as i felt entering it. i've been involved in several debates with friends, them going head to head about God. "how can He actually be there if people are getting raped and killed everyday? What kind of God does that?" some say. "It's all part of his plan," others argue back. "He's got a plan for us." Me? I just sit there, mutely. i try and take it all in - and when asked for my views, i draw a blank; for i don't have any to offer.

today, i was attending Lunch Bunch, a christian religious group at my school. it meets once at lunch every week - basically it's just a bunch of teenagers and one adult who brings free food for everyone, then 5 minutes of quick prayer before being dismissed to go to class. i usually only go for the food - the free pizza is a much better alternative to the expensive inedibles in the cafeteria - and i only go if Irene goes. i feel bad going just for the food, so i always try and keep an open mind during the prayer/sermon - technically, i am still searching for a religion. anyway, today's sermon thingy was talking about how Jesus died on the cross, for he had sinned. "God was punishing Jesus for his sins," the lady who provides the free food and gives the sermons says. "Jesus had sinned - he was a crinimal, a drug dealer, a homosexual, and God was punishing him for it."

at the words "homosexual", my head jerked up from its bent in prayer position. Irene, sitting right next to me, is bi-sexual. Irene is undecided in her religious views as well, and her face showed shock and slight hurt as the lady finished her sermon. amen was said, we were dismissed, and as we left the classroom, i was at a loss for words. what do you say when words can't solve?

(in case you are wondering, Irene did feel better about it later - i told her this was one of the reasons i didn't believe in religion.)

but that statement angered me too. not just because of Irene, but because of the mere stupidity of it all. some religions say that homosexuality is a sin, and that they actually believe that disgusts me. they say you have to be a certain way, or that God won't love you. if God was really all that great, He would love you the way you are.

there are other things besides that, too. way back in the 1600s, maybe, the astronomer Galileo was imprisoned by the Roman Catholic Church for believing and stating that the Earth was NOT the center of the universe, but that the Sun was instead. look who was right...and look who was imprisoned until his death.

sure, religion can bring people together to worship - but it can also tear people apart. it can ruin so many things - friendships, relationships, futures, lives; but create so many good things, too. but is something that is so destructive even worth having?

religion.
your guess is as good as mine.
are you there, God? it's me, Confused...

i'll open my eyes and let you stare straight into who i am.

perspective.

things always seem different when you look at them from a different angle.

it's called perspective.

what's completely and utterly wrong to one person is the golden way to another.

perspective.

your heart might be hurting from what happened.

the pain might be unbearable.

you might hate those who wronged you with an unliftable hatred.

but open your eyes, and actually look at them.

it's called perspective.

you might, if only for a moment, see things a little bit differently.

i did.

a wish.

I wish to feel smaller under your sheets

I wish for the whole truth every time you speak

I'm thinkin' about how you care half as much for me

While I watch you arrive, smoke cigarettes, sleep...

And I guess it doesn't matter what I say or what I seem

You stuck what I felt for you in the pocket of your jeans

Ignoring me the morning after isn't enough and I swear I'm gonna cry

I'm sick of tryin' to be tough.

-gregory and the hawk

sometimes, my words aren't enough.

so far,

fifteen hasn't been any different from fourteen. maybe soon, a sudden wave of maturity will hit me - but i doubt it. :D

life so far as being fifteen:
"steak. steak. how do you like YOUR steak?"



"it'd be pretty freakin' awesome if a ninja came through that window right now."



"OMG guys! did you know that there's another thing called AIDS?! Acquired immune deficiency syndrome?!"
"that is AIDS, jordan!"



and then some.


i live for the moments like these. i hope being fifteen holds a lot more of them. <3

like whoa.

so in about two hours, i will turn fifteen. i'm not really all that excited - fifteen isn't exactly that grand of an age to be. too young to declare your independence with a driver's liscense, yet too old to still be on a coast through life; now that you're on your way to becoming an adult, you have work to do. i guess i'm going to be sad to see fourteen go, though - these last fourteen years of my life have been good to me...mostly.

In the last fourteen years, I have
been born.
been part of a family.
been part of the most amazing friendship circle i could ever have been in
been (and still am in) my first ever romantic relationship
been sad to see my family divide, and splinter into several ungatherable pieces
been thrust into a new family, with new members
been moved
been blessed to meet amazing people who have forever altered the course of my life
been broken, lost, and wounded
been taped back up, found, and restitched
and most importantly,
in the last fourteen years of my life,
i have been loved.
i am forever grateful for that, and i always will be.

all in all, my life of fourteen years has been pretty good to me. so i guess the real question is...

what will 15 bring?

here i am, drawn out for the world to see.

Ten things you wish you could say to ten different people.

1) i thought i knew you, but i guess i really don't. what you did disgusts me.
2) i think we could be amazing friends; but i'm too scared of getting close only to be hurt.
3) thank you for being there. always. i love you. <3
4) sometimes, you don't think too well. c'mon. i'm leaving you enough hints, aren't i?
5) i thought we were best friends, but i guess not.
6) i would give anything to have you think about me more often than you actually do.
7) you're amazing the way you were, not the way you've become.
8) this may surprise you, but you are one of the first people who's actually cared in a long while.
9) sometimes, i miss you so much my heart wants to burst from hurting. i miss you.
10) i'm sorry.



Nine things about yourself.

1) i get nervous really easily.
2) when i get nervous, (which happens easily), my hands sweat a lot.
3) i've lost all my work drive this past year, and i now have nothing to fight for.
4) i used to dream of becoming an award-winning author, but then reality kicked in. i don't really have any dreams anymore.
5) i love having discussions with people; the feeling of two minds connecting powerfully is a moment i love.
6) i hate how superficial myspace and facebook make the world, yet i can't seem to pry myself from them anyway.
7) i'm kind of a romantic, which doesn't go over too well in these adolescent years, where everything is about sex or "getting some."
8) i'm a selfish person. i wish i gave more.
9) i cry a lot, and i'm not ashamed of it. it makes me feel freer.


Eight ways to win your heart.

1) be one of my best friends.
2) call me just to talk about nothing.
3) give me small things when i'm least expecting it.
4) show up on my doorstep one day, and take me for a drive.
5) be able to "get" me.
6) make me laugh.
7) hug me all the time.
8) love me.


Seven things that cross your mind a lot
1) friends
2) family
3) boys
4) love
5) music
6) politics
7) life.


Six things you wish you never did
1) i wish
2) i had
3) no regrets.
4) but instead
5) my regrets are too big
6) for these 6 slots.


Five turn offs
1) mean
2) being ignored
3) lying
4) over-competitiveness
5) close-minded.


Four turn ons
1) funny
2) cute
3) smart
4) caring.


Three smileys that describe your life
1) ^_^
2) =D
3) o___O


Two things you want to do before you die
1) find something i'm amazing at and go for it.
2) be happy.


One confession1) i don't know where i stand right now in life.

honesty.

i just spent three hours talking to my best friend about life. i hadn't talked to her in much too long; had a heart-to-heart like that, and i'm so glad we did. she opened my eyes about a lot of things going on in both our lives right now, some of which was tough and made me cry because it was so honest.

honesty is a funny thing. it cuts to your core as a human being; it can chop you down so far; it can set you free from bounds; yet it can bind you. honesty. honesty is truthfulness and sincerity.

it is said that "the truth shall set you free." but it didn't say anything about it not hurting along the way to freedom.my friend really helped me realize a lot of the things that are going on my life tonight. she was honest, and it hurt, but i am forever grateful to her for it. i needed to hear those truths, instead of the lies everyone else, and myself, are being feeded with.i hope someone in your life cares that much about you - so much that they'll be honest with you even though they know it may be painful.

goodnight, dears.

<3

happy thanksgiving, world.

today is the day we give thanks for the gifts we've been given in this life. people these days rarely take the time to stop and give thanks for all the things they have; instead, they rush past and demand more, instead of appreciating what they have. i admit it, i'm like this a lot. earlier today, i was feeling unthankful to the world, thinking what did i have to give thanks for. i have no real talents, the things that mean the most to me have all left me behind, and i'm going nowhere in my life - what do i have to be thankful for?

duh jordan.

what about the people who have broadened your horizons into worlds that you did not know existed? the people who have come into your life, and stayed there? the people who can make you smile without even trying? the people who understand without you having to explain? the people who remember you even when you're gone? what about the people who love you?

duh jordan.

these things are the things that give me the strength to make it through the days; without them, i would be nowhere. so this thanksgiving, i am giving thanks to all those people. you know who you are.

happy thanksgiving, world. i hope you're thankful for someone, or something, in your life.

<3

oh, it is love.

love
1a: strong affection for another based on kinship ties. b: affection based on sexual desire. c: affection based on admiration or benevolence.
2: warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion.
3a: unselfish loyal concern for the good of another. b: a person's adoration of God.
4: an emorous episode.
5: to feel affection.

So many people have asked the world the unanswerable question: what is love? According to the dictionary, love is a strong affection for another based on kinship ties, an affection based on sexual desire, or even affection based on admiration or benevolence. Some people say it's the best feeling in the world; a feeling so beautiful that words can't even come close to describing it. Others say it's when two hearts, minds, and bodies connect for life in forever infatuation.

But love isn't those things. Love is yours. You are the one who defines what love is in your life; what it means to you. How do you define love, you say? Maybe you use words. Maybe you use music. Maybe you don't even define it, just because you like it being undefinable. But however you do it, love will be yours.

How do I define love? I've thought long and hard about my definition; it's constantly changing, and probably always will.

Love to me is when I hear the intro to my favorite song; when I read the beautiful words penned by great minds on paper; when a little girl smiles, and the whole world is blinded in awe; when clouds roll leisurely across an endless sky; when someone calls me because they miss me; when i can barely breathe from laughing so hard; when i'm onstage pouring my all my heart and soul into a performance; when the sky glows as the sun sets peacefully on the day; when the fireflies come out and dance the night away. This is what love is to me.

love is now yours to define. what is love to you?

i be jordan,

as i always have been.

who's jordan, you ask?
jordan's undefinable. she could be the misunderstood poet who's writing in her notebook over there; she could be the loved and happy-go-lucky teenager, living the perfect life; she could be the little girl holding a lollipop, her eyes shining so bright; she could be that wise old woman who gave up on wishing long ago; she could even be you. but whoever jordan may be, she's still me.

you may be thinking, "i don't get it. who are you?"
but the real question is:
who are you?