Wednesday, April 30, 2008

the non-perks of being a wallflower.

when is anyone going to notice
that i'm standing here, very still, a perfectly pressed wallflower against your pretty wallpaper?

when is anyone going to notice
that i'm slowly fading away from everything?

when is anyone going to notice
that the things i scream at your unlistening ears are the noiseless whispers that haunt your dreams?

when is anyone going to notice
that those are my ghostly hands that are shaking you to wake up from your lovely little daydream?

when is anyone going to notice
that i'm down here on my hands and knees, begging for you to please wake up?

when is anyone going to notice
me waving my arms about as i drown in what's left of this life?

when is anyone going to notice
that i'm still here, a perfectly pressed wallflower against your pretty wallpaper?

because i am.
i'm still here.

a perfectly pressed wallflower
against your pretty wallpaper.

Monday, April 28, 2008

when is it okay?

to lie to her?
to use her?
to manipulate her?
to ignore her?
to hurt her?
to toy with her?
to change her?

when is it okay?
it's not.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

the pursuit of happiness.

weirdgurl18: happiness is a good thing.


indeed, it is a good thing. life would be a lot easier, i think, if we were all just happier. so i've taken up the happiness challenge that's been going around. here are 100 things that make me happy...and that's not even putting a dent in it.

1. my friends. <33333
2. my family. <33333
3. helium balloons.
4. 4 in the morning with no sleep.
5. hugs.
6. piggyback rides.
7. laughing so hard it hurts.
8. bendy straws.
9. speech contest.
10. really good books.
11. evil schemes.
12. codenames.
13. dancing.
14. indie music.
15. listening to heidi try to hang up the phone and fail in a three-way call...
16. awkwardness.
17. smiling.
18. holding hands.
19. the nerd posse.
20. blogging.
21. amazing photographs.
22. potter puppet pals.
23. trampolines.
24. history day.
25. playgrounds.
26. walgreens.
27. being on the same wavelength as someone else.
28. GNOME! <3
29. inside jokes.
30. watching pointless stuff on youtube.
31. reminiscing about good times.
32. knowing that the people i care about are happy.
33. graffiti on facebook.
34. PostSecret.
35. stalking [lolz.]
36. texting song lyrics to other people.
37. writing.
38. being attacked by the vicious puddles of despair and destruction.
39. Super Spaz and Handicap Hero.
40. reallyreally loud music.
41. my phone.
42. being able to say awkward things in Bosnian.
43. watching Kirby "hardcore dance."
44. set strike after plays <3
45. making up stories behind Willy the Travelling Salesman...
46. being a nerd.
47. getting good grades.
48. FOOD.
49. the lamp post.
50. parties.
51. when someone calls me because they miss me.
52. jamming out in sam's dad's car to hardcore music...
53. "Bob", the moustache man.
54. not being afraid.
55. being loved.
56. clear skies and sunny days.
57. thunderstorms and pouring rain.
58. crying when i need to.
59. drawing epic pictures on Elizabeth's chalkboard.
60. stargazing.
61. really good poetry.
62. the truth.
63. the rock wall.
64. the word "fetus."
65. being "married" to heidi.
66. followed by ghosts.
67. kicking ass at mini-chef cookoffs.
68. running around walmart.
69. talking on the phone.
70. loving with all i have.
71. being a guitar hero n00b.
72. writing angsty poetry.
73. the feeling of accomplishment.
74. fitting 13 people on one couch.
75. acting.
76. apples to apples.
77. getting off-topic.
78. movie nights.
79. hot chocolate.
80. professionally unloading uhauls.
81. mr. darcy <3333333333333
82. talking in third person.
83. having deep thoughts about nothing, really.
84. stealing/wearing sam's giant red headphones.
85. Bibleman and Pathfinder!
86. ellipsis...
87. reader's theatre<33333
88. being hyper in the extreme.
89. holga cameras.
90. bonfires.
91. when people just care.
92. ranting on about nothing.
93. emoticons. o.O >.< ^_^
94. mix tapes.
95. ren-fest<3333333333
96. conversing.
97. letting it out.
98. being mistaken for terrorists.
99. just having a good time.
and 100. knowing that someone cared enough about me to read all the way to the end.

=]

so thanks for reading and possibly caring. and i guess the question is now for you...what makes you happy?

"yeah, you make me merry, make me very, very happy."

Saturday, April 26, 2008

just because i am silent doesn't mean i'm not listening.

from midnight to four p.m. yesterday, i did not talk.
at all.
day of silence.

and because i wasn't speaking, i listened to everyone around me; what they said to me and what they said to others.

"what you're doing is really cool."
"yeah...i would do that silence thing, but i could never not talk for that long."
"i support your views, but i feel like you should speak out for your opinions, not be silent for them."
"oh, that day of silence thingy is today? i was going to do that, but i forgot..."

but the best reaction?
when people looked at the slip of paper i offered them, nodded, and didn't say anything at all.
for the rest of the day.

i recruited five people by being silent. but i took crap from a lot more.

people tried to get me to talk just to say that i broke my silence. for no other reason than for the fun of it.

"hey jordan, what's your favorite color?"
"jordan, why aren't you talking today?"
"how was the math test, jordan?"

they didn't seem to realize that i wasn't like that. that i would break away from something i really cared about so easily. that i would break away from something like that at all.

so then people would fill my silence with their hate. hate of people who are different, and hate for me for supporting them. just hate.

hate.
hate.
hate.

their words were venomous, and they stung. they were false, untrue, made-up. people took advantage of my silence and broke it. it shattered around me as they threw their rocks of hate towards me, taunting everyone who was silent that day.

"gay people are stupid. they deserve to die."
"all the gay people today aren't talking for some retarded gay right's thing or something."
"gays suck. they took over the rainbow and the unicorn. who said they could do that?"

but that's not even getting near anything they said.

people stood next to me and knew i was there, yet talked about me as if i weren't able to hear. they don't seem to get it - just because i am silent doesn't mean i'm not listening. they talked about my friends, me, our silence, people who are different - and they just didn't understand. they still don't understand. they will probably never understand.

they didn't listen to the silence.
all they did was break it.
with their hate.

but i, on the other hand, am pretty damn proud of myself for being silent yesterday. even when people threw their words at me. even when people taunted us and our beliefs. even when it felt like we weren't affecting anyone - that we weren't making a difference.

but in the end,
we did.
and it felt so good.

and i learned a lot of things from the experience, too - what my peers think, who really does care in the end, who will support you even if they don't support your cause. but the most important thing?

silence speaks even louder than hateful words.

at least,
it does to me.

and it will to you, too.

if you just listen.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

shhhhhhhh.

tomorrow, april 25th, is day of silence. it's a day organized by the GLSEN (Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network) in which people come together and are silent in honor of stopping anti-LGBT name-calling, bullying and harassment in schools.

http://www.dayofsilence.org/


shhhhhhhh. if you listen hard enough, you'll realize some voices are missing.

---------------------------------------------------

when i was promoting this event earlier today, i posted a bulliten on myspace entitled "shhhhhh" and enclosed a link to the official day of silence website. a few minutes later, a new bulliten showed up on top of mine, written by a person whom i won't name. titled "i do not support you", the bulliten said the following:


"I do not support you.
It's agaisnt the Bible.
It's agaisnt God.
It is not right.
I do not support gay, bi, les, trans.
God made you who you are and how your suppose to be.
Read the book of Genisis."


a whirlwind of emotions hit me, and the first things that went through my head were, i admit, very stupid. like, "dude, you can't even spell. bad grammar much?" and "i'm older than you are. i could totally beat you up." and "go read your own stupid Genisis book, you poser." then i got a little more serious. like, "you and your God may not accept this, but i do." and " did you ever think that your God did make you who you are - this is who they are." and "you know, not everyone has to think the same way you do. don't just assume there is a right and wrong way to live."

i resisted several urges to post another bulliten or to message the person and try to reason with her. because that wouldn't do anything. it would only hurt what's already broken. but the better reason to not respond to her vicious accusations? because it's against what this whole thing is about. why would i argue with her, yell and scream and try to pound my beliefs into her head, when by being silent i speak so much clearer and stronger?

by being silent tomorrow, i won't change her beliefs. in fact, i know i will change hardly anyone's. but maybe, just maybe, those people will notice that in the mass of voices making up the Earth's noise, some very important ones will be missing.


shhhhhhhh.
what are you going to do to end the silence?

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

how do i know?

how do i know you really mean it?
when you "love" everyone else too?

how do i know you really mean it?
when you hug me with the same intensity as you hug all others?

how do i know you really mean it?
when she's "cute" like you said i was once?

how do i know you really mean it?
when you tell me just as much as you tell complete strangers?

how do i know you really mean it?
when you "miss" me just as much as you miss those you see everyday?

how do i know you really mean it?
when everything i am, everyone else is too?

how do i know?
i don't.

Monday, April 21, 2008

the cure for heartbreak.

From: "Jordan Thomas" mzblondegal2000@netscape.net
To: "Disclosed Recipients"
Sent: Sunday, May 6, 2007 11:48:48 AM
Subject: Heartbreak

What's your cure for heartbreak?
In other words, what do you do to cheer yourself up whenever life really sucks?
Let me know.
-Jordan

-----------------------------------------------------

looking back through old emails the other day, i stumbled across this one. i remember writing it and sending it to every single person in my contacts lists. i remember crying as i typed it, but not because of what it said - but because of the reason i wrote it to begin with. i remember reading all of the responses i got back, and laughing. and crying. and smiling. and laughing some more. and being happy. ironically, i think the thing that really solved my heartbreak then was reading what you said solved yours. :]

so it makes me wonder; does what solved our broken hearts then still mend our wounds now? do the same things cheer us up? or has our route to happiness changed? do different things make us smile, piece us back together, make us just plain happy? as we grow up, do different things cure our heartbreak?

when i sent this email out, i received a fair amount of messages back. not everyone who i sent one to responded, and not all of them that did respond answered my question...but every single one of them asked me if i was okay. everyone who did respond cared. and i love every single one of those people for that.

so that brings me to this. i thought i'd share the responses i got when i sent this out just over a year ago. just for fun, you know? i want to see if the same things that made the people around me happy then still makes them happy now. now, warning: one of these responses might have been yours. who knows? i hope if it is, you'll wonder if the same things that made you happy then still make you happy now.

-----------------------------------------------------

1.) chocolate
cute boys
good movies
blankets
harry potter
friends
cute boys
music
shopping
cute boys
phonecalls
history day...

oops. i just lied.
cute boys.

2.) chocolat bath mancure peticure massage girls night out ice cream and playing loud happy musicsee how those work!!

3.) Chocolate
Movie Nights
Shopping
Buddies
Dog
Boys...
Walks
Volleyball
FOOTBALL

yay! hope I helped you.

4.) That's an easy one.....I just let my mind go to all the wonerful blessings I have received. They come streaming into my head...and usually I see something specfial that I can gain from associated with the bad things I'm dealing with directly. Life really never sucks that way.

5.) Think of all the people who have it worse than you, and be glad it’s not you. Think you had really good chocolate…

6.) Let's see, I like to blare my music really loud, go shopping, or hang out with friends.

7.) Ick -- what a bummer of a question! Don't know that there's really an answer that works for everybody. The good old stand-byes are going out to do fun and interesting things with friends, or watching girlie movies, or just realizing that you're better than whoever-it-is and that one day it will all work out for the best! Or find your best girl power songs and put them on repeat on your iTunes. Or try a new hairdo or outfit, go for a run, or write in a journal. Tons of different options, you just have to find what works for you -- or try them all! I'm sure it sucks a lot, but the more you go through things like that the stronger it makes you and the more perspective you have, so it does get much easier! And remember, life itself never really sucks -- you just have bad experiences, but overall you have a great life and you're very lucky to be who you are, and I don't think you'd want to have a life that didn't have both bad and great experiences in there, otherwise you would end up lacking a certain kind of depth that comes from challenging experiences. Always remember the phrase "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."

8.) CHOCOLATE! LOT'S OF CHOCOLATE!

9.) idk it depends on wut mood im in. usually i eat ice cream cookie dough or any thing else that is high in sugar

10.) uh boys, boys, my bestest buds/butts, puppies, fluffy pillos, blankets, FOOD yeah thats kinda it

11.) Chocolate, my sevy buddies, the rest of my friends, rainbows and unicorns, math

-----------------------------------------------------

so,
do the same things still make you happy?

and if not,
what's your cure for heatbreak now?

Saturday, April 19, 2008

i just think...

that it's kinda sad how you can't hold onto everyone. you can't be there for everyone. and if you try to make everyone happy, and hold everyone together, and pick up their broken pieces when they can't do it on their own, and be there for everyone every single time they need a hug or need to cry or just need someone to love them, and if you try to do all that for everyone...you won't be able to hold onto anyone.

not even yourself.

because when people aren't finding in you what they wanted, they'll go onto someone else. and all that time you spent just trying to make them happy is gone. and what you had with them, whether it be as friends or lovers or even family, is gone. and you're gone. you're not yourself anymore.

then you're the one with the broken pieces...and there's no one left to help you pick them up.

Friday, April 18, 2008

when i say.

when i say, "please don't tell",
i really don't want you to tell.

when i say, "i love you",
i really do, in that moment, love you.

when i say, "i'm sorry",
i really am truly, deeply sorry.

when i say, "i'm here for you,"
i really am here for you.

when i say absolutely nothing,
i really am just waiting for you to say something first.

when i say anything,
i really do mean it.

otherwise,
why would i say it?

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

letting go.

"soaring on the wings
of my thoughts, ideas, and dreams
i flew away to find
a place of serenity.
a calm breeze reached me there
put ruffles through my hair
lifted me up so gently
and blew away my cares.
higher and higher, it lifted me so
where it was taking me, i didn't know
now carefree, i have no troubles
sometimes the journey is just in letting go."

letting go is one of the hardest things every person has to face. we all try and hold on to the things surrounding us - as if the harder we cling on to people and things, the better chance they won't leave. but no matter how hard you cling and hold on, it won't matter. everyone has to let go in the end. and i know that letting go isn't always a choice; sure, sometimes you have the power and choice to keep holding on; but sometimes you don't. there comes a time when everyone just has to let go.

i've always been, as my dad puts it, the "twerp." i've always been the little one. here i am, fifteen, and i'm still the little one. the underdog. the twerp. the price one has to pay, i suppose, for being the youngest of the family. and it's not that i don't like being the youngest - i don't mind it. but since i'm the little one, it's harder for my dad to let go. and just let me grow up. i ask to do something with friends and its a "NO!" this and a "NO!" that, and a "i don't think that's safe for you." it's not that i don't understand - i know that he's looking out for me - but he needs to realize too that i'm growing up. i'm not the little kid anymore. that i can be trusted. that he just needs to let me go a little bit. we're starting to make progress with this, though, and it means the world to me that he feels like he can trust me enough to let me out on my own more. i think he's finally learning how to let go.

as somewhat of a wallflower, i see and hear people interact all the time. i watch relationships shatter over little things and be born over big ones. but mostly, i see people have problems letting go of old relationships. friends of mine enter and exit romantic relationships and are then left standing there to wonder..."what now?" some have troubles accepting that its over, and they want more than anything to hold on to what it was. they don't seem to realize that sometimes, you just have to let go. move on. grow up. and learn from it.

sometimes the things you want to let go of aren't people or items, but more like things you can't touch or see. things like your past, or your memories, or your thoughts and dreams. it's hard to let go of those things sometimes - but sometimes it's better that you do. it may feel like a loss to let go of who you were or what you used to dream about; but now stuff is more about who you are now. and what you dream for now. it's all about now instead of then. you're moving on. you're growing up. you're letting go.

you're letting go.

the truths we choose not to reveal are the truths that mean the most.

1.) i lied to someone once just because i was afraid of what others might think. i'm sorry for that, but the decision i made then affected my life for the better. i don't regret anything.

2.) i never told your secret. it's right here, next to my heart.

3.) we share the same genetics, and that scares me to death. i'm afraid that means i'll turn out just like her.

4.) i hate who you've become, but i'll never tell you. instead, i'll just cross my fingers and hope you'll read this and know; know that who you've become isn't who you are at all.

5.) the only thing that gets me out of bed some days is the possibility that you'll call just to hear my voice...because really, i just want to hear yours. <3

6.) i try and forget because i'm too weak to handle the pain of remembering.

7.) i would give anything to go back and change that day. you'll never know how truly sorry i am for what happened.

8.) i don't know if i really love you or not.

9.) i used to be a writer. now i write, but i'm not a writer anymore. i miss that more than anything.

10.) i've recently discovered that i can't trust anyone with my secrets; not even myself.

Monday, April 14, 2008

are you sure?

that you're okay?
because it's okay if you're not.

that you're happy?
because it's okay to be sad.

that you're not mad?
because it's okay to get angry sometimes.

that you want it to be this way?
because it's okay to change the ways things are.

that you don't want some help?
because it's okay to ask for some.

that you're right?
because it's okay to be wrong.

that you don't want a hug?
because it's okay to ask for one.

that you really feel that way?
because it's okay if you don't.

that you're not afraid?
because it's okay to be scared.

that you know what's going on?
because it's okay if you have no idea.

that you understand?
because it's okay if you don't.

that you know what you want and that you know where you're going?
because it's okay if you have no clue.

are you sure?
because it's okay if you're not.

really,
it's okay.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

wrong.

elementary school.
wrong - to talk back to anyone. everyone was your friend, so talking back to them was mean. and talking back to the teachers was just a crime! doing that, well, that's just wrong.

middle school.
wrong - to not sit with your best friends, the ones you sit with every day, at lunch. you always sit together. to sit with someone else, even if only for a day? that's wrong.

junior high.
wrong - touching, hugging, or excessive talking with your best friend's boyfriend. that's called flirting. and that's wrong.

high school.
wrong - (blank)

what's 'wrong' now?

our once-sharp lines have just become a little bit more blurred.

do we have still the right to get mad when someone talks back to us now? the right to get mad when one of our best friends sits with someone else instead at lunch? the right to get mad when our good friends talk and touch our boyfriends more than we do?

do we?

well,
is all that still wrong?

what really is wrong?

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

why? why. why...

am i good enough to talk at but not to?

does what i say not matter but who i am does?

does everyone need to understand but can't accept that some things just aren't understandable?

is it okay for you to do that but not okay for me?

do you close your ears to my pleas but demand that i never tell you the truth?

can't you see what's in front of your face but only see instead what isn't there?

do people love other people but hurt them in the end?

do we pour our feelings into verse but can't tell anyone them face-to-face?

do i keep going on and on but fail to really say anything?

don't i just accept people for who they are but instead ask them to change?

don't you accept everyone? but that would make things too easy.

why.

"i've thought about it...and thought about it. and i still just don't understand; why can't we change the way things are?"

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

fact. opinion. truth.

"She was wearing his jacket. What do you mean what color was it? It was red. How'd I know it was his? It had his name on the back, and all his medals were on the front. Plus, I saw him take it off and put in on her. Everyone at my lunch table did. Who all was there? Suzie, Audrey, and me, of course. No, thank You, your Honor."

fact - a piece of information about circumstances that exist or events that have occurred.

----------------------------------------------

"He is cheating on me with her, I know he is! How do I know? Well, just look at the way she talks around him! And the way she dresses and walks and, and, and...She's wearing his jacket, for God's sake! What do you mean she might have been cold? He wouldn't give her his jacket unless he was seeing her! SEEING HER BEHIND MY BACK! Wouldn't he? Would he? No, no your Honor...that is all."

opinion - a personal belief or judgment that is not founded on proof or certainty.


----------------------------------------------

Sometimes, it's hard to keep your facts straight from your opinions.

A very good friend of mine likes to quote a certain movie at times like these; "What is it in us that seeks the truth? Is it our minds or is it our hearts?"

truth - a fact that has been verified.

In seeking the truth, we are entangled with facts, opinions, lies, ideas, and many more. We must tred carefully, as we don't want to hurt anyone. But there's come a time when you can't let the lies and opinions and the ideas stand in your way anymore. The lies and opinions and ideas aren't your truth.

The facts are.

Whatever it be in you that seeks the truth, whether it be your heart or your mind; let it listen to all the facts. Let your heart or your mind listen to every last little fact and throw away all the lies and opinions and ideas and just let the facts sit there and be.

Then you'll have your truth.

Open your heart,
Open your mind,
and listen.

there's your truth.

Monday, April 7, 2008

go ahead and tell me the truth.

i won't judge you.
i won't hate you.
i won't leave you.
i won't exploit you.
i won't expose you.
i won't blame you.



i'll just listen.



in fact,
i think everyone would be a lot happier if we all just listened.

Sunday, April 6, 2008

relationships.

"Moving at the speed of life, we are bound to collide with one another. Sometimes we make friends with those we collide with; sometimes we become mortal enemies. Sometimes we even forget the person we collided with, and they become just a hazy memory. But every once in a while, you meet someone who stays in your memory, by your side, and with you for the rest of your life. They become a part of you, and you know that you'll never, ever forget them. There are many people that are very near and dear to me in this way; so much so that I would be lost without them."

once upon a time, i wrote this for a paper for a language arts class. in it i was to describe my connection, or relationship, with two people i considered to be near and dear to me.

relationship - a state of connectedness between people.

for as long as i can remember, i've always had my friends. i've always had my family. i've always had people i could count on. but throughout the years, my relationships with those friends and those family members have shifted. changed. morphed. some have even disappeared. this is my story about those relationships and why they matter...and why they don't.

-----------------------------------

once upon a time, my family looked like this.
Image and video hosting by TinyPic

then it was broken down into this.
Image and video hosting by TinyPic

after the divorce, i grew closer than ever to my dad. i can't even describe how our relationship changed. we faced a harder road than anyone could ever know, but we faced it together. because of that, our relationship is strong. sturdy. dependable. my mom, however, was a different story. we stopped seeing each other on a regular basis, and she didn't call as often as she should. she stopped caring, so i stopped telling her about my everyday life, and whenever she visited i was distant and nonresponsive. before, i had been able to tell her anything. now, that was all gone.

a relationship. gone.

then it all changed again. my family grew and expanded. now, it was this.
Image and video hosting by TinyPic

three new members.
three new additions.
three new relationships.

the strongest new relationship i gained out of those three was from my step-mom, shari. she stepped in and has literally taken the place of my mom. we fight, we laugh, we fight some more, we cry, and fight again on a daily basis. it's our relationship. and i wouldn't have it any other way. she helps me make sense of the world and can make me laugh without even trying. and although sometimes she makes me madder than can be, it doesn't matter. because that's what we do. it's our relationship.
Image and video hosting by TinyPic


-----------------------------------

once upon a time, i met a girl while playing the board game sorry at after-school care. we instantly befriended each other and even went to watch arthur together. i met another girl on the monkey bars, and we bonded over the red callulus on our hands. in class, there were two other girls i also got along pretty well with. i declared these four my best friends and therefore invited them to my sure-to-a-hit birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese's. we were in kindergarten.
Image and video hosting by TinyPic

six years later, only one of them was still to be one of my best friends. two of the girls moved; one to south dakota, which at age eight, might as well have been as far away as Mars; the other to clarksville, only to move back the next year. she moved back and forth, though, to different local cities until her mom finally settled in LaPorte City a few years ago. we tried to remain friends when she went to WSR - but it was hard, knowing she was to move again the next year. the final girl grew up faster than all of us and completely changed, changing everything from her hair to her values. we have barely spoken since third-ish grade; we who were best friends at age five.

see what i mean about relationships?

they change.
people change.
times change.
and sometimes, you just can't stop it.

so in sixth grade, this was my new "clique." - my new best friends.
Image and video hosting by TinyPic

i don't really know how we got thrown together and labeled as "best friends" - maybe it just happened. we didn't really mesh well together, though; two people were always fighting and requiring the other two to take sides. eventually, the fighting broke us apart at the end of our middle school years, sending us our separate ways. two of the girls stayed together and are still best friends to this day. the other girl and i went our own paths, but we still talk and i consider her to be a friend, as i think she does me as well. all of us are aquaintances now, and i sometimes wonder if anyone else remembers us being best friends. i wonder if anyone misses it.

so, moral of this story: relationships, especially those involving middle school girls, are complicated.

onto junior high, and a new set of relationships - my best ones yet. meet the nerd posse.
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in this group of girls, i found the best friends i could ever ask for. we didn't just mesh well together; it was like we were part of each other. we were crazy, goofy, loud, stupid in some cases...but we were best friends. we called ourselves the nerd posse. i could tell everything and anything to these girls, so i did. we all did. our friendship relationship was the strongest one i'd ever had - for a while, at least.

over the next few months, the nerd posse would shorten by two girls. our priorities changed, they changed, we all changed...so things changed.

two relationships. gone.

but as we went on towards high school, things changed for the better. new relationships formed - friend-wise, family-wise, boy-wise.
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some existing relationships grew stronger than i'd ever imagined,
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some became better than i could have ever dreamed,
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some came out of nowhere, but i'm so grateful they did,
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and some are still starting out.

so here we are. high school. freshmen year. my best friends now?
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i'm proud to say that my relationships with my junior high friends have continued on into high school, as well as brought in some new ones.

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but here's the thing about relationships - they're always changing. one moment, you're best friends, screaming and laughing; the next, you could madder than hell at each other over the stupidest little thing. romantic relationships aren't exempt from such change, and neither are family ones. every day, i look at the people around me and think about our relationship. it doesn't matter if we're friends, family, or lovers; i still treasure our relationship the same. and when i think about our relationship, i think about the last time we laughed together, or the last time we hugged. the last time we cried, or the last time we yelled at one another. that is what our relationship is made of.

so what's the point of all this? me telling you about my relationships in my life? why does it matter?

i guess i just want you to remember that relationships will always be changing. sometimes you can't stop them, and sometimes you can. i just want to know that your relationship with me has changed me. i wouldn't be the same person i am now without you, and i don't know whether to thank you or hate you for that. i guess it all just depends on our relationship.

"As we travel through our lives, we will collide with a lot of people. They may end up being our bosses, co-workers, friends, enemies, or even complete and utter strangers; and the majority of them will play large roles in our lives. But the role they play won't be as large nor as significant as the people, who, when you collide with them, stay with you. These are the people you will remember, the people that helped shape you as a person, the people who were there when no one else was. I have been blessed to have many people like this in my life; people so near and dear to me that I would be lost without them."

Saturday, April 5, 2008

days like these;

makes me wish it was summer.

blue and sunny skies,
fun car rides,
best friends,
happiness.

pablo's tacos,
amazing plays,
parties,
memories.

awkward moments,
funny moments,
blah moments,
moments.

jammin' out,
playin' outside like a little kid again,
chilling with cool people,
just being.

funny jokes,
spying on teachers,
random questions and random new people,
laughing.

good food,
good friends,
good weather,
feeling good.

how i wish it could always be like this.
if only it were summer. than it could be.

summer.

last summer was one of the worst summers of my life. i had two weeks before i moved to cram in all the nerd posse time i could; but even then i was busy wasting away by loading heavy boxes with all the crap i could. i had a few good days; a few good times; but it wasn't nearly enough to save my summer. my '07 summer sucked. period.

every year, i promise myself that the next summer'll be better. that we'll make it better. so far, i've never gone through with that promise; but after the last couple days, i think i've found the motivation to push for it. i mean,

just think...
no school.
no homework.
no grades.
no social interaction with people you hate.
no forced conversations.
no being punished for talking, or laughing, or anything, during class.

just...
best friends.
amazing times.
the pool for hours on end.
blue skies and sunny days.
parties whenever.
vacations.
stargazing.
camping.
happiness.
<3

days like the ones i've had lately make me wanna have this feeling - this "summer" feeling -all the time. and it's what i want for summer '08. so let's do something together this summer, and make it fun!

man. i just don't think i can wait much longer for...

summer.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

jordan = dead.

this last few days have basically killed me. i'm running around on little sleep, full schedules, and no clue what's going on. basically, i feel like i'm dead.

on thursday i left school after 4th period to go to district history day at the sullivan center. 'twas fun, although our performance was pretty much awful. we advanced to state, though; due to the fact that there were only two groups XD
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friday i went to sam's house and we went to elizabeth's house to party it up with the posse. that was really fun (although i am the worst rockband player alive ^.^). but it felt good to just have fun; especially as being superheroes having a religious experience =P
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saturday was shari's birthday :D !, so after i got home from sam's house, we celebrated it together as a family. then brianne came over and we went to the lampost with erica and winky for the followed by ghosts show :] the show was very good, and lots of people i knew were there, including samdorrance. after the show, sam brooks and brianne came over and spent the night... but not until after we had trekked the hour-long walk from the lampost to my house, though...and been honked at several times ^.^

yesterday was all-state individual speech, and ohmygod, thank you for that day. i did absolutely none of my homework over the weekend and i got to skip school to watch speeches all day long for service hour credit...no to mention spend time some of my friends<3

'twas very fun, but i'm kind of annoyed that we (brianna, the 8th grade intern, and me) stuck around in our room as long as we did, when the judges didn't need us at all. (but we did fetch them their lunch...and paid $1 for water ;D.) i did see some amazing lit programs, ADSs, poetry, and proses, though =] plus i did get to see sam's public address, which was amazing =]

top all-staters in my center (in my humble opinion, of course;)
~ADS on soap operas (Gasp, hair flip, dramatic pause) XDDDDD
~ADS on model diets ("you could be the next PEZ!) =P
~lit program on teen angst (bad poetry; "my love for you is like a hole punch!) XDDDDD

but yeah. at like 3.30, the judges let us go, and mrs. koch took a bunch of people home. i stayed and hung out with the waverly people until they left, during which we chilled on the top of mauker union and rain-danced =P

after all-state, i went home and was immediately picked up by erica and her friend conner to go to the between the trees/mae/far-less/the honorary title concert at wartburg. erica was convinced the concert started at 7 with a special "meet the bands before" thing at 6 - (she had read this online) - and so we got there at 6 only to discover that there was no "meet the bands before" and that the concert did in fact start at 8. *sigh*

so we went to the pizza ranch, where i saw kethe =D but also the entire wsr freshmen volleyball team (aka THE DREADED PREPS!) DX *gags* now wasn't that fun...

anyway so then we went back to wartburg for the concert, which was pretty good. the only band i truly loved was, of course, between the trees. their set was obviously the best of the bands, anyway, (besides maybe mae, but i was too tired to appreciate them). the energy was high, and conner, erica, and i were in the exact front! it was....beyond epic. let me just say it like that. =D

the other bands were okay, but i was so freakin' tired by the time mae started playing (it was around 11.00), that i sat back down and almost fell asleep. at which point erica and conner and i decided to buy merchandise from between the trees...and guess who just so happens to be at their merch table....BETWEEN THE TREES! (duh) we met them and blubbered to them idiotically about nothing really in particular.

then we FINALLY left and came home. i got home at roughly 12.15, took a shower, and went to bed...only to be awakened at 7.00 to get ready for school. *sigh* a school day in which i recieved a buttload of homework...*sighs again*

so that brings me to right now. basically, i feel like i'm dead. i really am considering skipping school tomorrow. i just want to sleep. but, *sigh*, i won't. because i'm a good person. or something like that...

right.

anywho, so i'm gonna go do some homework; or fall asleep listening to my iPod again =D like i was doing until sam called me from florida for a mere 5-minute chat XD