Friday, July 25, 2008

can you keep a secret?

secret (noun) - not open or public; kept private or not revealed.


What does it mean to keep a secret?
To not tell anyone?
To not reference to anything related to the secret anymore?
To not even mention anything about the secret's existance?

You don't have to physically tell someone to spill a secret.
A raised eyebrow, a quick glance.
Actions speak louder than words.

You don't have to stop saying certain things in order to tell a secret.
A suddenly censored speech, a pause mid-sentence.
What you don't say can speak volumes louder than what you do.


You don't have to say, "I'll keep your secret. I promise." to insure a secret's safety.
A broken promise, an accidental slip of tongue.
A mere mention of knowing the secret can lead to your downfall.


But keeping a secret doesn't just mean not telling anyone.
Keeping a secret doesn't just mean not talking about it.
Keeping a secret doesn't just mean watching what you say and when you do.


And keeping a secret is not "skirting" around and dropping hints about it.
Keeping a secret is not reacting to something said in relation to the secret.
Keeping a secret is not mentioning that you know the secret.

Keeping a secret is saying absolutely nothing about it.
Because that secret isn't yours.
It's not yours to tell.
It's not yours to talk about.
It's not yours to mention.

It's yours to say absolutely nothing about.
Because that's what keeping a secret really is.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

-------

"please don't be mad. it was just a mistake."
i sit on the park bench, immobile, disbelieving.
"please?"
"i'm not mad," i reply softly.
"i knew you'd understand!" you grab me in a big hug and then leave me, sitting there, like you have so many times before. leaving me for something better on the horizon.

it's not until after you're gone that i repeat, "i'm not mad." i kick at a pile of pebbles on the ground, scattering them all away from each other. like us, i think. we scatter away from each other. i kneel down and gather all the pebbles back into a pile again. picking up the broken pieces and glueing them together again. like us, i think. we have always repieced ourselves back together after we scatter.

i sit back down on the bench, and once again, i say out loud, "i'm not mad. i'm disappointed." i watch you walk away to your brighter, better things. things that are brighter and better than me. i burrow even deeper into my coat as i whisper softly, "and being disappointed in you is even worse."

i sit there on that park bench until it gets dark. then i get up and leave. i don't even notice that the pebbles from the pile have been flung apart again by the wind.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

=D

it was short.
it was strange.
it was somewhat weird...
but it was nice.

it made me smile.
it made me laugh.
but most of all,
it made me forget.

i think we just needed that.
a talk.
a not awkward, honest to God,
talk.

and just talking like that gave me hope.
hope that you wanted what i did too.
hope that it could work out like this.
hope that we were finally friends.

we're still not the best of them,
but now i have hope.
i think we could be reallyreally good friends,
and i have a hope that it works out like that.

and as for now, i'm reallyreally happy.
happy that i feel better about this whole thing.
happy that you obviously do too.
happy that we're finally friends.

=]

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

i will miss you more than imaginable.

Monday, July 7, 2008

my hero.

i was young, stupid, and klutzy.
you were older, wiser, and just fun to be around.
we met one day, and we just sorta clicked.
we were basically best friends.

everything came easy to you.
school, friends, boys.
i wanted to be just like you.
i looked up to you.
you were my hero.
you've been it ever since.
until now.

there were signs, i suppose.
we didn't talk nearly as much,
and it felt forced.
we both had new friends.
but we promised each other that things would change,
a change for the better.
they didn't.

but despite that, i still thought you were cool.
i still wanted to be just like you.
you were still my hero.
but now this.

now,
you might think you're "cool",
but to me, you aren't.
you might think you've got real friends,
but to me, you don't.
and you might think you're still the same person you were before,
but trust me, you aren't.

you aren't my hero anymore.

Saturday, July 5, 2008

Thursday, July 3, 2008

God, are you there? it's me again, Confused...

"There is no blood. It says that in the Bible, but that's just because somebody wrote it down. I could write something down, and that wouldn't make it true. I want to say this to Eileen, to Pastor Dave. But if I try to, they will just come up with more quotes. They will just keep quoting and quoting and quoting until there is nothing left to say about anything at all."
-The Center of Everything

a few weeks ago, i read a novel titled "the center of everything." in it, a young girl is attempting to understand the world around her. she tries to find stability in her tumultuous life by attending services at a local christian church - the church of second ark. the christians here fill her head with thoughts that it's bad to have premarital sex, that it's bad to be homosexual, and that it's bad to believe that humans came from anywhere else besides God himself. this whole bit interested me greatly, but also confused me - do christians really think it's that big of a deal to have premarital sex? do christians really hate homosexuals? do christians really not think it to be possible that we evolved from primates and not from Adam & Eve?

i have a christian friend who i sometimes ask when i have questions that bother me about religion. so i read her a few passages from the book. she said that the christians in the novel were wrong, which i agreed with. but she said that they were wrong because they had misinterpreted the bible.

misinterpreted.

this is where i got even more confused. i mean, how did she know they had misinterpreted the bible? hadn't they read it, just like she had? weren't they christians, just like her?

misinterpreted.

with this word in hand, my friend started to explain even more things to me. the more she talked, the less sense everything made. the christians in this book apparantly were wrong - they might be christians, but they had misinterpreted what God had been trying to say in the bible. jews were also apparantly wrong - they had also misinterpreted the holy book. something about them believing that jesus was still yet to come or something. i don't even know. and then there were the catholics, who had also apparantly misinterpreted the bible. and let's not forget the mormons, the buddhists, and even some other christian groups. they had all misinterpreted the bible. they were all wrong. they weren't doing what God wanted. they weren't going to get into Heaven. all because they misinterpreted what he was saying.

this is were my head started to spin with even more confusion.

because you see,
everyone sees things differently.
and everyone interpretes things differently.

what makes the jews and the catholics and the mormons and the buddhists and those other christians wrong?
what makes their interpretations of the bible wrong?
who's to say that my friend's own interpretation of the bible isn't wrong?

now there's something to mess with your head.

there's one bible. and yet hundreds of interpretations have come forth from it.

there's hundreds of different Gods.
hundreds of different practices to preach.
and there's thounsands of different theories about...the end. what's after.

some people say that you need to get baptized to get into Heaven.
some people say that you need to attend church regularly to get there.
some people say that you need to believe in God with all the powers of your being in order for an everlasting life.
and still others say you need to put your name is some book or something for an entrance.

but according to other people, there is no Heaven.
there's just an end. an end...with nothing left.
or there's reincarnation.
or a rampant spirit on earth while a rotting body sits in a cemetery.

there's hundreds of different viewpoints just for what happens in the end alone.
with all of those, how can there be just one right interpretation and just one right way?

some people demand that there can only be one way. one way for all the humans in the world to end up. or two, i suppose, if you factor in Hell with the Heaven option.

but the thing is, i don't think there is one way.

my personal belief of the after-life is that it's different for everyone - that it depends on what you believe.

if you believe with all your heart and soul in God, maybe you'll go to Heaven.
if you believe in reincarnation, maybe you'll come back as a fish.
if you believe that when you're dead, it'll just be...a blank slate. the end of the story. nothing. maybe that that will happen to you.

i don't think that the person who doesn't go to church regularly will go to Hell.
i don't think that the person who's unsure of God will go there either.
i think you'll go wherever you believe the after-life is.

as for my personal belief?

i think that it should be enough to be a good person. and then you'll get wherever you need to go in the end.

and who knows?

my interpretation of God sure thinks that's enough.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

why can't we be friends?

i thought that it'd be different.
that since i wouldn't feel so awkward, i'd be able to tell you all those things i kept locked away for months.
that since things wouldn't feel so forced, we'd be able to talk normally.
that since we'd messed up the first time, we'd be able to be friends this go around.

instead,
i have my friends and you have yours.
they do not mix.
and neither do we anymore.

we see each other around.
not often, but we do.
a wave, a short conversation.
we act the part perfectly.

but it's just that.
an act, featuring two performers.
an awkward situation.
but the show must go on.

the show is a lie.
granted, we're not lovers anymore.
but here as we are, we're not even friends.
we're nothing.

and i know it won't do a damn bit of good to write this out in a blog that you might not even read, but just in case you do read it, i just want you to know -

i miss you.
can we please be friends?

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

is it?

"i just need to know if it's possible for two people to stay happy together forever."
-juno.

tonight i was babysitting for two little girls that live down the street from me. they moved here to iowa in november of this last year from sunny california. their family was a perfect one - bill, the dad - debbie, the mom - sarah, the feisty eleven-year-old - and hannah, the nine-year-old with a quick temper but a gentle heart. i look at their family portrait hanging in the hallway and think to myself, "what a perfect family."

perfect. yeah, right. as soon as bill and debbie leave, sarah and hannah get into a sisterly spat. this fight results in sarah going upstairs to watch tv, leaving me downstairs massaging hannah's back while she sits in my lap and sulks. sitting there in my lap, we sit in silence for over five minutes.
finally, she says in a really small voice, "sarah hates me."
i continue rubbing her back as i reply, "of course she doesn't, dear. she loves you. you guys are just going through a phase."
hannah shrugs and says, "mommy and daddy don't like it when we fight. we're not allowed to yell or use bad words. but they use bad words when they fight. that's not fair. they don't even follow their own rules."
shocked, i stop massaging her for a moment, then regain my composure and continue. "things are different when you're older, when you're an adult. that's not fair, but that's just the way things are."
she starts rocking back and forth on my lap, oblivious to my words and even, in a way, my prescence. "when they yell, they talk about getting divorced. and how if that happened, mom would go live with her sister or how dad would go live with his brother."
i hug her closer to me and pause. a beat of silence passes, until i break it. "you know, when i was younger, my parents would fight all the time too."
she interrupts me. "did they get divorced?"
"yeah," i admit, caught offguard at her interruption.
"were you mad?" she demands, craning her head around to look me straight in the eye. "were you mad at your parents?"
"well, yes, i was. i was mad and sad and cried for days and days. i blamed them for ruining my life. but you know what?" i pause. "here i am, a few years later, and i realized it was all for the best. my parents are both much happier this way, and so am i. there's no fighting anymore. there's just happiness."
hannah looks at me thoughtfully, her slightly damp eyes shining bright.
i continue. "not to say your parents will get divorced, hannah. this fighting is probably just a phase."
she looks back down at her lap. "when we were in california, they never fought," she says softly. "we lived in a really big house and there were lots of kids in the neighborhood. they were all really nice and were all my friends. daddy was vice president at his job, and he and mommy never fought. never. it was a good life." she whispers this last part. "almost as good as illinois. illinois was a great life..." she trails off, talking more to herself now than to me. then she suddenly turns around again. "i've lived in four states since i was born," she announces. "everytime we move, it's because of daddy's job. this is the worst move yet. his boss is really mean here, and he doesn't get paid as much as he did in california. our house is smaller. i don't have as many friends. and he and mommy fight a lot." she faces forward again and i envelop her in an even bigger hug. we sit there for a moment, as tears begin to roll down hannah's face. i wipe them on my sleeve as i also rub her back.
but a few minutes later, hannah is fine, and she takes my hand to lead me upstairs so that she can do my hair. as she pulls me up the stairs, my heart goes out to this little girl - who just, like me, wants it to be possible for two people to stay happy together forever.

-----------------------------

so what's the point of this story? well, it's one of the many things, along with

violent affairs
messy divorces
couple break-ups
disappearing relationships

that i've seen lately.

and i'm starting to lose all that faith that i have built up

in love
in relationships
in peace
in happiness

all over again.

and i just need to know:
is it possible for two people to stay happy together forever?

well,
is it?