wishes.

i wish you...
came back down to earth and remembered me every once in a while. i miss you.
helped - i can't do this on my own.
called more often.
called at all.
understood.
realized how beautiful you are.
didn't make things so awkward.
knew how much you mean to me.
would think before you say things that aren't always yours to say.
wouldn't hate so much.
saw what everyone sees.
would love.
cared about me.
weren't so caught up with it all.
would put an end to this.
laughed more. you deserve to be happy.
and i talked more. i miss you oh so much.
would make up your mind.
could feel the pain you've caused me.
would wait up for me - i'm losing you.


i wish i...
opened up easier.
loved without hurting.
was happy.
made changes.
could do the right thing.
didn't have so many regrets.
had control of my life.
had the talents i used to have.
was everything you ever wanted.
laughed more.
wasn't so broken.
understood.
was strong enough to handle this.
could always help you.
was someone's number one.
made you happy.
was in love with you.
had you by my side.
wasn't so numb and unfeeling all the time.
knew what i'm doing.

i wish.

pssst. here's a secret;

"sometimes, when we think we are keeping a secret, the secret is actually keeping us."

friend - a person whom one knows, likes, and trusts.

I am a Nerd Posse member who loves her friends.
I wonder why everything seems so hilarious to us.
I hear the jokes and laughter fly by at the speed of light.
I see pictures of us sticking our faces into goofy head cut-outs.
I want to remember every joke, but it's impossible to count.
I am a Nerd Posse member who loves her friends.

I pretend that we're nerds...but then realize I'm not pretending.
I feel giddy with laughter and full of life when I am hanging out with my dorks.
I touch each written note and remember the laughter when first reading it.
I worry that it's possible to die from laughter; if it is, me and friends won't live very long.
I cry tears of laughter when something so ridiculous, it's funny, is said.
I am a Nerd Posse member who loves her friends.

I understand that we are complete and utter dorks; and frankly, I'm ok with that.
I say it's not like you had to be there; it's more like you have to be us.
I dream that we'll become old ladies together, and still be shrieking over every boy that walks our way.
I try to convince people we're not weird; but why bother and deny the truth?
I hope that we'll always be together; and that we'll always be best friends forever.
I am a Nerd Posse member who loves her friends.

don't give this up. please.

i die without you.

i don't know if you know this or not, but you mean the world to me. thank you for being there for me always.

thank you:
elizabeth paladino
nicole mittelstadt
sam brooks
sam niles
brianne power
faithe guyer
heidi mcnulty.

you guys have shown me what true love is.

<3

if;

if everyone loved,
and people didn't hate so much,
and if people gave more,
and took less,
and smiled more,
and laughed louder,
and acted stupid more,
and had more fun,
and didn't care what other people might think about them,
and everyone was just themselves,
everyone would be a lot happier.

so why doesn't everyone do that?

i do.
and i'm happier than i've been my whole life.

goodnight, guys. i love you. <3

we didn't make it.

we're a non-performing group for allstate.

meaning that we did well and that they liked us, and that we can come watch allstate if we want, but that we weren't invited to perform and won't get to.

=/

i feel really bad right now - for the upperclassmen, this being their last year, and especially for the schachterles - this was the first year they haven't made it to allstate, and they deserved it more than anything.

damn.
this sucks.

state speech;

actually kinda sucked. i didn't have nearly as much fun as i did at districts.

it may have been because i got up at 4.30 and got on the bus an hour later for a two-hour drive.
or that i felt physically sick for a good part of the day.
or maybe because people kept making a big deal out of something that i didn't care about, acting as if i did.
or because the gym was so crowded, and some people got pissed if you even came near them.
or that...

yeah.

whatever.

so anyway, our actual performance went pretty well. we didn't do as well as we did at the lamppost on fridaynight, but we were still pretty good, apparantly. a lot of people i cared about were there, and lots of them told me we did well :]

then as i was sitting in the audience to watch another reader's theatre, one of the judges got out of her chair while the next group was setting up and came over to me and told me that she "really liked your elephant; in fact, your whole piece was very well done."

!!!!!!!!!!

we ended up getting straight ones, and we'll find out on monday if we made all-state or not. it would be so amazing to go, but i'll be fine even if we don't. i had a lot of fun performing it, and it means a lot to me that the audience liked it.

so anyway, i spent most of the day wandering around aimlessly, instead of actually doing anything. when i did talk or do anything with anyone, it was mostly with mason or tad, or with nicole and sambrooks. sure, some fun things happened (like running away from the stalker, or chasing the hug guys, or playing jesus hackysack, or talking with nicole and faithe and sam and liz like i hadn't in forever, or actually PERFORMING), but most of the day i didn't do anything but sat and existed.

i spent the whole day pretty much feeling awkward; and it sucked a lot. the times i was happiest the entire day was when our reader's theatre team was warming up/unifying outside our performance room, and then later on when we found out we got three ones and did this amazing hug-screamy-happiness-thingy in the gym. i loved those moments and how i felt; and i wish i could have felt like that the whole day.

meh.

for some reason, being at state speech reminded me of how much has changed. how much people are changing. how much i'm changing. and i want more than anything for it to stop.