Dear 2008,

I, I still remember
How you looked that afternoon
There was only you
You said "it's just like a full moon"
Blood beats faster in our veins
We left our trousers by the canal
And our fingers, they almost touched
You should have asked me for it
I would have been brave
You should have asked me for it
How could I say no?
And our love could have soared
Over playgrounds and rooftops
Every park bench screams your name
I kept your tie
I'd have gone whereever you wanted
(I still remember)
(I still remember)
-I Still Remember, Bloc Party

In this year of 2008, we've all come so far and done so much. And this blog, however long it may seem, doesn't even begin to cover half of it. I can't remember every little thing that happened this year, or everything hilarious thing that was said; I can't remember who I was and how I've gotten to where I am. But I do remember that this year has been a year of accomplishments and failures; of ups and downs; and of laughter and tears. So here's to you, 2008. I still remember you...

I still remember New Year's 2008.

"Brianne, we're just going to trape across the lawn, mmkay?"
"WE'RE GOING TO RAPE THE LAWN?!"
And so begins 2008, in the best possible way for me: with my best friends. Elizabeth, Sam N, Sam B, Nicole, Brianne, and I all congregated at Elizabeth's for a full-fledged nerdfest to ring in the new era: along with many other eras, including the era of the TWAPERS (HOLY CWAP!), the era of the epic chalkboard pictures, and the era of the Nerd Posse. What a way to start the New Year.

"How many nerds does it take to open an "easy open" bottle?"
"Six, and that's only after we go and get the pliers."

*door creaks open*
"OHMYGOD, IT'S THE TWAPERS, HOLY CWAP!"

I still remember January 2008.


The first month of a new year - a new start, if you will. And a newer and happier Jordan. Still on a high from making the reader's theatre team and celebrating New Year's with the Posse, I finally took some control over my life and started reaching out for things. A new semester at school started, and teachers who saw my semester one GPA actually started taking me seriously. Speech came full swing; we pwned at districts, leaving with a well-deserved one, and we advanced to state; and from that group of amazing people, I learned so much more than certain acting tactics. The Nerd Posse got together and ran to Fareway (of course), as well as played ninjas in the middle of the street at random hours of the night; and I started to feel like we were bonding again - becoming once again the best friends we were meant to be. At school, my friendships were beginning to strengthen as I spent more time around people and got to know them better. And although my life seemed to be going really well, there was still some parts of it that I had yet to take control of.

"That wasn't considered meeting him. He pulled up, you all screamed, and then he left. "
"You know, that's really funny because you're totally right."

TO THE ROCK WALL!"

I still remember February 2008.


February brought NU's spring musical into the picture: "Snoopy." Yeah...I know. Since I like singing in general, just not by myself, I auditioned for the chorus and got in. Whoo? Rehearsals started and took the place of speech practices. State speech came and went - our reader's theatre got straight ones and much praise from both the audience and some of the judges. We made All-State as a non-performing group, which was good, but most of us were disappointed. We forged on, however, and went to watch All-State just to see the amazing performances as well as the "ASSHI" sketched in the snow. February also brought Waverly's semi-formal Winterfest dance, which I (of course) crashed. This particular dance is when I think I really started to bond with Heidi McNulty - Brianne's friend from Janesville. We got married promptly, and soon we were best friends. Now, I can't imagine the Nerd Posse or my life without her. The month ended with Sam Brooks throwing a hit party, at which there was a hardcore drive-by throwndown at McDonald's, I was asked to prom, and Sam herself was asked out by David Maixner.

"Did he ask you out?"
"Yeah."
"Yay!"
*pauses*
"So, what'd you say?"

"Look at him, he's going to kill the crap out of you!"

I still remember March 2008.

The third month of the year was a busy one. March started off with the NU basketball team winning state (whoo?), which pleased even me - we actually took days off of school so that people could go watch the games. Have you ever had a basketball day? I think not. Anyway, while most of the school was cheering for that sport, I was cheering for a different one - individual speech. With the amazing Scachterles as my coaches, I signed up for a literary program on images and a storytelling about a possum. At districts, there were only a few kids from NU there, and although I enjoyed the company, it just didn't have the same crazyfun feel as group speech did. Ms. Koch, however, was as eccentric as always - "OH LOOK THE STAGE!" "Honey, I don't know if you noticed, but he was totally flirting with you." "THERE'S JOE!" All of us except for SarahD advanced to state (and Rachel on her spurr of the moment improv), which was a little more fun than districts was. I didn't get to stay for very long though - but I made sure that I got to spend as much time as humanly possible with Sam Dorrance when I was there. I ended up with straight ones on storytelling, and two ones and a two on my literary program. In the end, although all the NU kids did well, the only one that advanced to All-State was Rachel, with her amazing acting piece in which she was a little kid hiding away in the attic. Immediately after state speech, we were all rushed back to NU to go onstage for the opening night of "Snoopy: The Musical." I sat in the wings during the show and watched Joni, Rachel, and Tad give an amazing performance. Megan, Leandra, Danny Jo, and I all hung out during the next day's show and made up our lives as the Lemon family, occasionally being interrupted to go onstage and sing for the choir. Faithe, Sam Niles, Nicole, Sam Dorrance, and Elizabeth all came to that performance, so I also got to see them too. So with speech and "Snoopy" out of the way, you'd think my life would calm down a little, right? Well, sort of. Pi Day came around (whoo!), which coincidentally is also Brianne's birthday. The Nerd Posse all went to a Waverly dance that night and had a blast - well, I did anyway. I felt like everything in my life was finally falling back into place. Sam and I were actually having a semi-functional relationship (whoo!), the Nerd Posse wasn't really fighting (whoo!), and I was just plain happy (triple whoo!). Immediately after that, I had to go spend spring break at my grandma's house in North Dakota with her and my mom. After spending the entire break working on History Day there, I came back just in time for another local show at the Waverly 4H Building. With History Day right around the corner, Nicole, Sam Niles, and I worked our tails off right up until we gave our HD performance at the Sullivan Brothers Convention Center. We were pretty much awful, but we advanced to state anyway. Mere days after that was All-State Individual Speech, where the NU kids worked for volunteer hours. I hung around taking it all in and fetching water for the judges, as well as sneaked off to go watch SamD's public address and hang out with my friends. Wrapping up March was the Between the Trees/The Honorary Title/Far-Less/Mae concert at Wartburg, with Erica and I in the exact front. March was probably my busiest month - but it was definitely the most fun. :]

"Jerod...I don't think we can do it."

"I should be Jordan Thomas because Jordan is a bisexual name!"

I still remember April 2008.

April showers didn't really exist this year - at least, not in the month's beginning. Blue skies and sunny days ushered in this month, and I found myself at the Waverly spring play, cheering for Megan Cotter and Sam Dorrance in their major roles. However, April showers, in the form of a light snow, came on the day of Waverly's prom, which Sam Dorrance took me to. We went with Sam Brooks and David, although once we got to the dance, I barely saw either of them. To be honest, prom was okay; but I found it extremely overrated. I much preferred hanging out at Kyle's house afterward with Sam and his friends. As April passed, Day of Silence came and went, as did the many jeers and taunts for supporting gays; my NU friends and I walked to the playground in the middle of the night and stayed up telling secrets and dancing to Bollywood movies; my Nerd Posse and I found ourselves at barn raves and local shows. I started to really get out and have fun again, with all my friends - Waverly friends, NU friends, boyfriend. I was just plain happy.

"Shot up that meth.
up through your veins,
darlin' you give edge a bad name."

"Ur so sweet. Nom nom nom..."

I still remember May 2008.


April showers are supposed to bring May flowers, but May 2008 brought me a whole bouquet. The month started off with Choir Contest, which took place at Waverly. I inexplicably had a great time there, having all of my Waverly friends and NU friends in one place. I spent a lot of time with Sam Dorrance, introducing him to my NU friends. Both our choir and band got a one (whoo!), and we celebrated on the way back to CF by impersonating black women singers. Later on in the month, the Nerd Posse and I had some much-needed bonded time at another 4H show (as well as during a viewing of Lake Placid 2), and they actually got to meet a few of my Cedar Falls friends. Nicole, Sam Niles, and I headed out to State History Day and surprisingly placed as National Alternate (!!!!!). As the month went on, though, many relationships ended, including Sam's and mine. Soon the school year ended, and everyone at NU said goodbye to each other until next year. The goodbyes were sad, but laced with the excitement that three months of summer vacation awaited us.

"Hey, is that Devon? What it do, Devon?"

"We went to find something historical...on the roof."

I still remember June 2008.

The beginning of summer brought out what I had been building up towards all year - FUN! From tea parties to capture the flag in the dead of night, and from birthday parties to "magic flying glasses", I found fun wherever I went. However, the infamous Iowa floods slightly put a damper on things. After the floods, though, all my friends and I more than made up for lost time by hanging out as much as possible; and life was good.

"Simplicity is the spice of life!"

"LUKE, I IS NOT UR FATHER!"

I still remember July 2008.

With summer in full swing, I spent most of my summer hanging out with friends and generally still having a good time. Sam Brooks, Brianne, and I started to write song parodies for fun, and the Sams and I baked the biggest cookie ever. My family and I went on a summer vacation out East, where we not only saw 'The Phantom of the Opera' on Broadway, but I also fell in love with an adorable little girl named Lexi Brown. ("I'd rather be Lexi Pink.") When I came home, however, I was greated with not-so-great news: Nicole Mittelstadt, one of my very best friends, was moving to Illinois before the summer was out. After we all cried our eyes out, we pledged to each other that we wouldn't let something as trivial as distance keep us from being best friends; and from then on out, summer held a bittersweet tone.

"I think about him every time my mom wears those pants!"

"I'm gonna be the princess, and Daddy's gonna be the prince...and you, YOU get to be the pumpkin!"

I still remember August 2008.

August holds my favorite memory of the year: the Nerd Posse camping trip. As a goodbye party/summer end party, we hosted a camping trip at Sam Brooks's grandparent's house out in the country. We spent the entire weekend there, stuffing all seven of us into Sam's RV, and having a blast the entire time. It was a great last large group Nerd Posse memory until Nicole would come back and visit us from her new home in Illinois. (And I will never, ever forget the beanfield.) After that, I was carted off the my mom/grandma's again in North Dakota - and I couldn't get home fast enough. August flew by much too quickly, and soon the first day of school loomed in front of us, with a full summer behind us yet again.

"I just had the sudden realization that Brock is an African-American! I mean, all this time I just thought he was really tan..."

"YOU DIDN'T KNOW OBAMA WAS BLACK?!"

"PICK UP THE BEANS!"

I still remember September 2008.

September brought school back on full swing, which I strangely didn't mind. The schedule, however hectic, was comforting, and I loved getting to see a bunch of my friends every day again. In fact, September took Erica and I on a road trip to Iowa City to see The Morning Of/Breathe Carolina show at the Picador. It also kept us at home for CF's Blayhn Fest, a local show with tons of bands that played. Try-outs for the school play came and went, giving roles to me as well as Winky and several of my other friends. I started to connect more with different people at school, now that I was past the whole awkward new kid stage; and I found many good friendships because of it. September's end also packed a nice surprise: NICOLE HOME FOR A VISIT! Life was great.

"Virginia, vagina?"

"Hi, is Derek home?"

"Oh no, he's gone playing Magic."

I still remember October 2008.

By October, my life consisted solely of school, play practice, and friends. It was busy, but it was good. I spent a lot of my extra time (which I really didn't have) volunteering at the Obama Office in Cedar Falls. Nicole came home for another visit (!!!), and the Posse all went to a show in Waverly. And I continued to grow closer with several people, especially thanks to play practice. October went out on a high note on Halloween (for which I was a scenester), which I spent with Winky, Devon, Alex, Mason, and Kyle and found a group of friends that I can sit around around campfires and hum with. :]

"I am ballin', I am ballin'."

"Balls balls balls!"

"OH BALLS!"

"What about balls?"

I still remember November 2008.

If I thought last March was busy, I had no idea what was coming. November was a whirlwind for me - there was school, of course, and keeping up grades as the semester end approached. Then there was NaNoWriMo, or National Novel Writing Month, a personal goal for writers to write a 50,000 word novel in one month. Inspired, I settled down to do it, despite my extreme lack of free time. I did finish my novel "Leap of Faith", though, and I plan on editing it into a real manuscript later on. And then there was the play, "I'll Leave It To You", which came and went by much too fast. All of my Waverly friends came to see it, Nicole sent her wishes, and all of my NU friends were there in support as well. In addition to all of this, I also celebrated my sweet sixteen (whoo?) by going to Chicago to see Wicked (whoo!). Although November was extremely busy, it was extremely fun, and I was sad to see it pass.

"1, 2, 3...PWN! *arm motion*"

"Kyle rushes by, his long blonde hair flowing in the wind."

I still remember December 2008.

December marked the end of 2008; and for starting off in such a good way, it has been ending in a pretty good one too. The month started extremely stressful, what with the semester drawing to close, but as we got closer to the end, it surprisingly got easier to handle. Christmas came, as did my sisters, and went; and I spent a lot of the extra free time I had hanging out with friends. I was forced to say a temporary goodbye to Erica, who graduated early and moved down to Florida, but we got to spend a lot of time together before she left. And just today, I finally achieved something that I said I've been going to do all year - I went and got my driver's permit. All in all, it seemed like a great way to end 2008 - happy. :]

"Hey, that's kinda nice."

"The land of the free, and the home of the brave."

"Yeah, like baseball."

In the space of merely a year, so much has happened - so much has changed. I'm closer to the person I want to be and the paths I need to get there. I'm more accomplished and more knowledgable, and I've seen things that I've never seen before. But most of all - I'm happy. I can't even begin to describe how much happier I've been this year compared to last year; and although there have been some rough spots along the way, I hope 2009 proves to be even better.

Love,

Jordan

Dear God,

Thank you for keeping everyone feeling calm as the wheels skidded back and forth across the icy street. Thank you for clearing my mind of everything as we first went left, then right, then up onto the divide. Thank you for stopping the car's out-of-control spinning right before we crashed into the tree. Thank you for letting us pull out, safe and unharmed, the only damage done a shaky voice.

Thank you.

sweet&sour sixteen.

16) I care about my grades way too much.
15) I miss the Nerd Posse everyday.
14) I have a super low tolerance for being cold and for lack of sleep.
13) I know lots of people, but I often wonder if they know me.
12) I hate the way the Spanish language sounds.
11) I don't have a clue of what I'm going to do for the rest of my life.
10) I find myself using the word 'ballin' as a synonym for 'awesome' way too much.
9) I absolutely hate Hellen Keller jokes.
8) I honestly don't think that any kid in my generation knows the meaning of 'hard work.'
7) I don't get to read as much as I used to.
6) I pray to the God I'm not sure I believe in sometimes.
5) I try not to be easily annoyed.
4) I constantly have cravings for chicken lo mein.
3) I wrote a novel in thirty days.
2) I cried on my sixteenth birthday.
and
1) I really and truly like my life.

i'm an author.

"Leap of Faith"

Faith comes in all different forms, but atheist lawyer Maria Godsend has troubles believing that. However, when she's assigned to a rape case and her client starts seeing 'angels', Maria is forced to rethink the fact that maybe something Bigger does exist after all. Add in the fact that she's been receiving letters from a little girl trying to communicate with God, and Maria is thrown into an adventure where she learns that Angels and Demons don't only exist in the Heavens.

-----

As of roughly an hour ago, I am the author of a novel. You have no idea how good it feels to say that. I've spent a lot of time on this novel, and I'm proud to say that it isn't actually half-bad. Yes, it is pretty boring and confusing and weak and just don't even make sense in some parts, but it's what I set out to do. I set out to write a novel in thirty days, without editing a thing of it; and here I am. I've done it. Participating in NaNoWriMo has really taught me a lot about myself as a writer; most importantly, it's taught me that if I want to become a novelist, I'll really have to push it up a notch. Writing isn't just sitting down and pouring out your heart; writing has a science to it too. Before I start writing any novels, I'll have to have plans, ideas, a notion of some sort of where it's going. But I have to say, that for a first time go-around, "Leap of Faith" isn't that bad. Hopefully someday, when I have a lot more time, I'll be able to take some of this manuscript and actually make it good - tweak it around and put some better stuff into it. But for now, I'm happy with this; all 53, 742 words of it. And even if it a pile of useless words to some people, it doesn't matter - because to me, it's a novel. My first novel.

I'm Jordan Thomas, and I'm an author.

:]

Dear Friend,

I thought I'd write "Dear Friend" because it seems to me that only someone I'd call a friend would read this. Unless there are some crazy people out there who aren't my friends but read this anyway. But I don't think that's very likely. Only friends care enough to actually read what their friends write. But even then, not always. Megan always said she was my friend, but she never read any of my letters and stuff. And Tina, she said she was my friend too, but she took my letters I wrote her and told everyone that I still wet the bed sometimes, even though I told her that was a secret! So I guess sometimes friends don't read your stuff, and sometimes people who read your stuff aren't your friends after all. So I wrote "Dear Friend" in hopes of this actually being read by a dear friend; someone I like and I trust and that won't go around making fun of me and my letters or pretending to be my friend but really only pretending all along. Someone who understands, and even if they don't, they try to anyway cause they know how much it eats people up inside without having people that understand them. And I just want someone like that for me. Someone like you.
Dear Friend, I have felt really eaten up lately. The other day this girl I know, let's call her Abby, she told me how she felt all eaten up too, all eaten up with pain and hurt and stuff, and I asked her why. And she said she was fine. But I said no, no that's not right, cause you just said you were full of pain. And she said it was nothing. But I wouldn't let her say that, and I kept asking her why, why, why, and she finally said that her boyfriend, this real big guy, had been hitting her cause she wouldn't have sex with him. And that cause the hitting had been hurting so much, and she'd just wanted it to stop, that she'd said, alright, okay, and had sex with him. And now she felt all eaten up with pain and hurt and shame and hate, cause of what he did to her and what she did to herself. And she was crying and stuff, with her dark make-up getting all runny, and I told her that it's all right, that was I was feeling eaten up too, and that in order to fix everything, in order to glue all the pieces back together and feel all better again, all we needed was some band-aids and some ice cream. And she stopped crying a bit and asked me if I was serious and I said of course, what else would I be? And then she smiled a bit, and we went to Wal*Mart and bought some dinosaur band-aids and some Ben&Jerry's, and Abby, the girl who wears dark make-up and whose boyfriend made her feel all eaten up inside, came over to my house and we sat and watched Looney Tunes till three in the morning, when she went home. And then I didn't feel nearly so empty and eaten up anymore; and I think Abby didn't feel that way either, and I wanted to go scream to the world that I felt happy and whole, and that the girl with lots of dark make-up, and the dinosaur band-aids from Wal*Mart, and the pint of Ben&Jerry's made me feel that way.
And Dear Friend, maybe if we all had someones like you or maybe someones like me, or maybe even someones like Dark Make-Up Abby, everyone wouldn't be so eaten up all the time, like apples with only brown spots left or leaves with bunches of insects chewing holes everywhere. And then maybe we could all be friends and no one would get mad anymore and all the holes from being eaten would be filled with love and dinsosaur band-aids and ice cream and stuff. And we would all be whole.
And we'd all be whole.
Dear Friend, thanks for listening. I hope you're whole inside too.

---------

^an attempt at a charlie-esque "perks of being a wallflower" style. thoughts on it?
(yes? no? maybe? never write like this again?)

<3

i'm really going to miss this.

my life.

is this.
and i can honestly say i'm happy with it.

I'm not Superman.

I can't rescue you all the time.

I make mistakes, and I mess up.

I'm only human.

So please, stop treating me like I'm more than that.

will you fly with me?

and let go of who we used to be?
just soar amongst the skies,
above all the anger, the hurt, the lies,
because then we will be free.
we will be free.

demons.

We all have our demons;
those things that haunt us in our sleep.
And in order to be free of them,
we must become strong from weak.

I guess we all have parts of our lives that we don't like to talk about.
Some people call them secrets, or dark pasts, or skeletons in the closests,
but I call them something else: demons.
The demons in my life haven't surfaced for over a year now,
and for a while, I was starting to think that they had erased themselves from my life forever.
But in the past two weeks, my demons have come back - bigger and badder than before.
It's not really them, that much I know; but the illusion of them seems just as real.

I've been dreaming about them all the time now -
heart-pounding dreams that make me toss and turn and wake with a start.
The dreams are so vivid and so real;
So real, that I can't tell when my nightmares end and when reality begins again.

I've been seeing them everywhere, too;
standing and staring at me from the back of the auditorium at play practice;
watching me as i stand talking with a group of people after school;
eyeing me as they pass by on the streets of Iowa City.
It's not really them, I know; but they look so realistic I almost stop breathing.

But why? Why now? Why again? Why me?
I guess I have a good idea.
For the first time in a long time, I'm finally happy with where I am.
Last time I was happy like this, my entire life was pulled out from underneath my feet by them.
Now, I'm scared that the same thing is happening again.

I know it's just a bad dream;
a false sighting;
perhaps just a phase.
But still - I don't what I'll do if they come back again for real.
I really don't know.

if i were to die today.

Dear Master Death,
Here I am, finally yours,
a captive trapped behind your doors.
You may think that I have lost and you have won,
But that, Master Death, is where you are wrong.
For I may have been lost early, but I have missed nothing,
I may not have accomplished, but I have been something.
I have laughed and learned and cried and loved,
and I've sung and danced and wrote and hugged.
But above all this, I have been alive -
a sensation and emotion that no one survives.
And you see, Master Death, this is where I win,
Because death is about living, not about when.
Love,
Jordan

stolen.

it's as if the pieces of me are breaking away,
or maybe its as if they're being wrenched off of their glue.
the parts of who i am that were once molded to me as if of clay,
now seem to belong to you.

no one sees, it seems,
the crime that's been taking place.
my hopes, my wishes, my thoughts and dreams,
are being whisked away from their case.

you have them locked behind new doors,
as i saw you steal them from where they slept.
you revealed them to the world as yours,
and all i did was stand and accept.

so i guess i'm at just as much fault as you,
for when you stole i did nothing.
i kept quite though all the while i knew,
and yet i still acted as if you would do something.

but what crinimal returns their prizes,
the ones they worked so hard to get.
so although this comes as no surprise,
i can't give up hope yet.

but look at me, here, empty and broken,
no longer who i used to be.
all because i once uttered words i shouldn't have spoken,
and, upon taking them, you also took me.

i'll never be who i once was,
just because you decided to steal.
so i hope you have a great life because
thanks to you, i never will.

jordan's top 10 reasons to be happy.

10) I've finally done something illegal. (Even more illegal than the beanfield! =P)
9) I've got a part in the fall play again, and I expect to see you there opening night!
8) My XXX song might actually get recorded.
7) We're getting closer to finally becoming friends.
6) I'm passing my Kirkwood government class. Whoo!
5) I plan on writing a kickass After-Dinner Speech for speech contest this year, and I'm superpumped!
4) Ramen noodles.
3) Amusing things are happening to me almost constantly.
2) I just had a really awesome weekend.
and
1) you came back.
<33333333333333333

jordan thought #34:

"we're not perfect, but we should try."

and that's okay."

your faith, my faith.

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.
-Amendment 1: Freedom of Religion, Press, Expression
U.S. Constitution.

Today I went to church with a good friend. We were attending a youth-group-type meeting where the leaders asked us questions such as:

"When did you first put your faith in God?"
"How did it feel when you did?"
"Why do you believe what you believe about Him?"

and then questions like:

"How do you know that the Bible wasn't all a big lie?"
"How do you know Jesus was God's Son and not just a moral teacher?"
"How do you know that everything about Him really happened?"

and then questions that made me pause:

"How is the Bible better than the Book of Mormon?"

I thought of all the Mormons I knew as I looked around the circle, waiting for someone to answer the question.

Shari. Aunt Happy. Aunt Kathy. Emmie. Dani. Micah. Jeremy. Mikey. Taylor. Winky. Raquel. Anders. My dad, once upon a time.

Visions of the Mormon church services, of lessons and large group meetings, of visits to the temple with my cousins, and stories upon stories of Relief Society flew through my head. The air was quiet, and it's almost as if I forgot to breathe.

The leader's wife said, "Well, the Bible was written all those years ago, and the Book of Mormon was written, what, maybe 100 years ago? And it was written by one man, what was his name..."

One girl answered. "Joseph Smith," she said. "He wrote the Book of Mormon."

There was a slight pause. And then the girl spoke again.

"Mormons," she said in a scoffing tone, "are ridiculous. I went to the church of Mormon once. All they cared about was their material things; their pillars and their glass ceilings and tiled floors. They take all their money in offerings and use it to make bigger churches to seat all their worshippers instead of giving it to starving people literally standing on their doorsteps. And their walls are lined with pictures "telling the story" of the Book of Mormon, but they don't make any sense! I didn't recognize a single one of the characters, and it was just all irrelevant. Mormons just piss me off."

My hurt plummented, and I felt kind of sick.

Shari. Aunt Happy. Aunt Kathy. Emmie. Dani. Micah. Jeremy. Mikey. Taylor. Winky. Raquel. Anders. My dad. Shari. Aunt Happy. Aunt Kathy. Emmie. Dani. Micah. Jeremy. Mikey. Taylor. Winky. Raquel. Anders. My dad. Shari. Aunt Happy. Aunt Kathy. Emmie. Dani. Micah. Jeremy. Mikey. Taylor. Winky. Raquel. Anders. My dad.

ShariAuntHappyAuntKathyEmmieDaniMicahJeremyMikeyTaylorWinkyRaquelAndersMydad.

Their names blurred together in my head as my friend spoke up and said, "They just believe something different. I mean, they still believe in God, they just believe in Him in a different way..."

ShariAuntHappyAuntKathyEmmieDaniMicahJeremyMikeyTaylorWinkyRaquelAndersMydad.

I didn't really pay that much attention to the discussions after that.

"...Mormons are ridiculous...
...cared about was their material things...
...instead of giving it to starving people..."
...just piss me off."

I knew these things weren't true - that they were opinions, not facts. That this girl had either misinterpretated that Mormons as a whole or had met some Mormons that she thought represented the whole group. Whatever she had gotten her ideas from didn't matter to me, because they still hurt.

Later, when I got home, I told Shari about what the girl had said. To my surprise, instead of being hurt about it, she laughed.

"Aren't you hurt she said those things? I mean, I know that they're not true, but doesn't it hurt to think that people think that way about you and your religion?" I asked her.
She laughed again. "In order for me to take anything seriously, I need people to have the right facts first. Mormons use the Book of Mormon AND the Bible, not instead of it. We consider the Book of Mormon as a Second Testament. And as for everything else she said, well, people are always going to think what they want. And if she doesn't have all the facts before she makes an assumption, that's her problem not mine."

I thought about what she said, and it really stuck with me.
Why do people make assumptions with getting to know the facts first?
It gave me an idea.

I promise I'll read your Bible. I'm not saying I'll believe it, and I'm not saying I won't. I'm just saying that I'll get all the facts before I decide if Christianity is or isn't right for me.

And I will. I will read your Bible. If you promise me one thing - if you read the Book of Mormon that belongs to my family and some of my closest friends before you make any assumption about them. I'm not saying you have to like it or believe it - I just think that you should get the facts someone else believes in before you trash it.

And while you're at it, you might as well check out a copy of the U.S. Constitution, Amendment 1.
"Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances."

Both you and I have the right of freedom of religion - we can believe whatever we want. In no way is one belief better than another. Interestingly enough, this same amendment also grants us the right of free speech. So I guess you could go around saying "Mormons are ridiculous" and "Jewish people are stupid", but then you would defy the rule that applies to every religion I've ever known -

be a good person.

You don't have to read the Book of Mormon. You don't have to read the Bible. You can believe whatever you believe. But there's nothing wrong with getting the facts before you trash another religion - or better yet, not trashing the religion, but accepting it as an alternative, once you have the facts after all.

So. Here we are. This is my faith:
I promise I'll read the Bible, the Book of Mormon, other religious book for different religions. I promise to keep an open mind. I promise to learn all facts before judging a religion or faith. I promise to be a good person. I can't promise that I will believe, but I promise that I will try.

So. Your turn. Your faith.
Do you promise?

did you remember what today is?

you'll always be my best friend.

i miss you.
i love you.

Dear Jordan,

You really need to stand up for yourself more.

Love,
Jordan.

where i'm from.

I am from a world too large,
A town too small,
An ambition too big,
And a to-do list too tall.
From a past too dark,
And a future too bright,
And for where I am now,
A present that's just right.

I started from a house that didn't know quite where to start,
Where what we didn't have in money we made up for in heart,
Where absent-minded fathers loved teacher moms,
Where everybody was happy and everyone got along.
I am from this place full of happiness and love,
Where you had a shoulder to lean on when push came to shove,
Where we played all day and we played all night,
Where everything always just seemed right.

I am from make-believe and storytime and the land of pretend,
Where I am in my prime with which the World must contend.
Where I am the superhero, dashing to save the day,
Where you'll be my best friend, if only to play,
Where someone else's playset is my castle in the sky,
Where if you believe, surely you can fly,
Where nothing is impossible and impossible is nothing,
Where you can be anything as long as you're something.

But I am also from lies and secrets and the bad kind of pretend,
Which leaves us sleepless and tangles us in our webs.
Where the truth doesn't come as easy as it should,
And the bad news comes around more often than the good,
Where parents fight and words sting deep,
Where the only emotion you can feel is the feeling of defeat.
Where machines bleep and boop with their shiny outfits of chrome,
And a girl with her teddy bear stands all alone.

I am from change as swift as the wind
As the things in my life end as soon as they begin
As love dissolves and is replaced with a hole
When being broken feels like all we know.
But I am also from learning how to mend
Where sometimes all you need is just a good friend
Where hearts can be broken, but all you need is glue,
Repiece it back together, and you're as good as new.

I am from a puzzle, all the pieces laid out here,
Figure out where to put them and the picture will be clear,
A photo of where love is real, and choice is yours,
Where sadness may walk but happiness soars,
Where British hats are donned and tulips bloom,
Where laughter echoes throughout every room,
Where Rockstars abound and Monsters roam,
Where the place I am now is the place I call home.

I am from these images that flash through my head,
Of the laughter, the tears, the happiness, the dread.
Of when we were young and when we grew up,
Of that national academic award and that old purple sippy cup,
Of "back-in-the-days" and "remember when..." stories,
Of all our failures and all of our glories,
Of where we are now and where we were then,
And of how all of this things make me who I have been.

this is love, and love is real.

<3

this summer, i wanted to...

1) get my permit.
2) take driver's ed.
3) write. writewritewritewritewritewrite.
4) dye my hair.
5) read all the anime books that sam gave me.
6) actually use my deviantART for something.
7) go to the rockford rock quarry for a day.
8) ditto adventureland.
9) ditto lost island.
10) read several books on my "classic-literature" list, including the great gatsby, lord of the flies, catch-22, etc.
11) take decent pictures with my holga camera.[close enough!]
12) do an evil scheme.
13) spend a weekend camping with the posse.
14) go to at least one followed by ghosts show. [two.]
15) study for the ACTs.
16) start on NHD 2009!
17) actually decorate my room.
18) see as many of my friends as humanly possible.
19) survive.
and
20) have fun.

i didn't expect to...
21) find a little-known-about cemetary.
22) be a superhero running amok the ridges.
23) run through a beanfield with my best friends.
24) steal little kids' fishy masks and cakes at a carnival.
25) eat a watermelon in the middle of the street.
26) go on flasian hunts in various places.
27) see The Phantom of the Opera on Broadway =]
28) fall in love with an adorable little girl.
---->"i'm gonna be the princess, and daddy's gonna be the prince, and you - you can be the pumpkin!"
29) make the big chocolate chip cookie EVER [okay, a pretty big one.]
30) have the most interesting cab ride of my life.
---->"that stupid jewish girl! and then she goes and marries kevin federline, that stripper."
31) write some interesting song lyrics...
32) hate my time in North Dakota so much.
33) go to a tea party and end it by eating chinese food.
34) go on a picnic.
35) play capture the flag in the dead of night.
36) have to say a temporary goodbye to one of my very best friends. =[ <33333
37) cry so much.
38) laugh so much.
39) talk so much.
and
40) have potentially the best summer of my life so far.





<3<3<3<3<3<3<3

things i have forgotten lately:

1) yeah, what you did hurt.
but we all fuck-up sometimes.

2) sometimes thinking about it isn't the answer.
sometimes just living it is.

3) it really isn't any of my business.
at all.

4) two people can do the same wrong, and only one will be punished.
but just because you weren't punished doesn't mean that you weren't wrong.

5) i don't really know you.
so i really can't talk about you as if i do.

6) no one deserves to be left alone.
especially by those who promised that they would never leave to begin with.

7) trying is two-way street.
and sometimes you can't see the other car because it's simply just in your blind spot.

8) sometimes you just can't change the way things are.
you can only change how you look at them.

9) when it comes to being friends, it doesn't matter if you see things differently.
as long as you both see your friendship as the best thing of all.

10) let things change.
you'll never know what could happen unless you do.

jordan confession:

i need to be a better person.

suddenly everything has changed.

she said, "have you ever eaten at jimmy john's before?"
i said, "yes."
she doesn't remember that that's where we ate for my birthday last year.

she said, "how do you like school in cedar falls?"
i said, "i like it a lot."
she doesn't remember that i go to NU and not to the local high school.

she said, "have you seen that one movie, night at the musuem, yet?"
i said, "yup."
she doesn't remember that she and i watched it last time i visited.

she said, "so, do you have a boyfriend?"
i said, "nope."
she doesn't remember that i told her i had one and that we broke up.

she said, "where'd you get those shoes?"
i said, "von maur."
she doesn't remember that she and i bought them together a year ago there.

she said, "did you catch the last episode of american idol?"
i said, "no."
she doesn't remember that i stopped watching that show years ago.

she doesn't remember anything at all.
least of all, it seems like,
me.

can you keep a secret?

secret (noun) - not open or public; kept private or not revealed.


What does it mean to keep a secret?
To not tell anyone?
To not reference to anything related to the secret anymore?
To not even mention anything about the secret's existance?

You don't have to physically tell someone to spill a secret.
A raised eyebrow, a quick glance.
Actions speak louder than words.

You don't have to stop saying certain things in order to tell a secret.
A suddenly censored speech, a pause mid-sentence.
What you don't say can speak volumes louder than what you do.


You don't have to say, "I'll keep your secret. I promise." to insure a secret's safety.
A broken promise, an accidental slip of tongue.
A mere mention of knowing the secret can lead to your downfall.


But keeping a secret doesn't just mean not telling anyone.
Keeping a secret doesn't just mean not talking about it.
Keeping a secret doesn't just mean watching what you say and when you do.


And keeping a secret is not "skirting" around and dropping hints about it.
Keeping a secret is not reacting to something said in relation to the secret.
Keeping a secret is not mentioning that you know the secret.

Keeping a secret is saying absolutely nothing about it.
Because that secret isn't yours.
It's not yours to tell.
It's not yours to talk about.
It's not yours to mention.

It's yours to say absolutely nothing about.
Because that's what keeping a secret really is.

-------

"please don't be mad. it was just a mistake."
i sit on the park bench, immobile, disbelieving.
"please?"
"i'm not mad," i reply softly.
"i knew you'd understand!" you grab me in a big hug and then leave me, sitting there, like you have so many times before. leaving me for something better on the horizon.

it's not until after you're gone that i repeat, "i'm not mad." i kick at a pile of pebbles on the ground, scattering them all away from each other. like us, i think. we scatter away from each other. i kneel down and gather all the pebbles back into a pile again. picking up the broken pieces and glueing them together again. like us, i think. we have always repieced ourselves back together after we scatter.

i sit back down on the bench, and once again, i say out loud, "i'm not mad. i'm disappointed." i watch you walk away to your brighter, better things. things that are brighter and better than me. i burrow even deeper into my coat as i whisper softly, "and being disappointed in you is even worse."

i sit there on that park bench until it gets dark. then i get up and leave. i don't even notice that the pebbles from the pile have been flung apart again by the wind.

=D

it was short.
it was strange.
it was somewhat weird...
but it was nice.

it made me smile.
it made me laugh.
but most of all,
it made me forget.

i think we just needed that.
a talk.
a not awkward, honest to God,
talk.

and just talking like that gave me hope.
hope that you wanted what i did too.
hope that it could work out like this.
hope that we were finally friends.

we're still not the best of them,
but now i have hope.
i think we could be reallyreally good friends,
and i have a hope that it works out like that.

and as for now, i'm reallyreally happy.
happy that i feel better about this whole thing.
happy that you obviously do too.
happy that we're finally friends.

=]

i will miss you more than imaginable.

my hero.

i was young, stupid, and klutzy.
you were older, wiser, and just fun to be around.
we met one day, and we just sorta clicked.
we were basically best friends.

everything came easy to you.
school, friends, boys.
i wanted to be just like you.
i looked up to you.
you were my hero.
you've been it ever since.
until now.

there were signs, i suppose.
we didn't talk nearly as much,
and it felt forced.
we both had new friends.
but we promised each other that things would change,
a change for the better.
they didn't.

but despite that, i still thought you were cool.
i still wanted to be just like you.
you were still my hero.
but now this.

now,
you might think you're "cool",
but to me, you aren't.
you might think you've got real friends,
but to me, you don't.
and you might think you're still the same person you were before,
but trust me, you aren't.

you aren't my hero anymore.

Dear PostSecret:

God, are you there? it's me again, Confused...

"There is no blood. It says that in the Bible, but that's just because somebody wrote it down. I could write something down, and that wouldn't make it true. I want to say this to Eileen, to Pastor Dave. But if I try to, they will just come up with more quotes. They will just keep quoting and quoting and quoting until there is nothing left to say about anything at all."
-The Center of Everything

a few weeks ago, i read a novel titled "the center of everything." in it, a young girl is attempting to understand the world around her. she tries to find stability in her tumultuous life by attending services at a local christian church - the church of second ark. the christians here fill her head with thoughts that it's bad to have premarital sex, that it's bad to be homosexual, and that it's bad to believe that humans came from anywhere else besides God himself. this whole bit interested me greatly, but also confused me - do christians really think it's that big of a deal to have premarital sex? do christians really hate homosexuals? do christians really not think it to be possible that we evolved from primates and not from Adam & Eve?

i have a christian friend who i sometimes ask when i have questions that bother me about religion. so i read her a few passages from the book. she said that the christians in the novel were wrong, which i agreed with. but she said that they were wrong because they had misinterpreted the bible.

misinterpreted.

this is where i got even more confused. i mean, how did she know they had misinterpreted the bible? hadn't they read it, just like she had? weren't they christians, just like her?

misinterpreted.

with this word in hand, my friend started to explain even more things to me. the more she talked, the less sense everything made. the christians in this book apparantly were wrong - they might be christians, but they had misinterpreted what God had been trying to say in the bible. jews were also apparantly wrong - they had also misinterpreted the holy book. something about them believing that jesus was still yet to come or something. i don't even know. and then there were the catholics, who had also apparantly misinterpreted the bible. and let's not forget the mormons, the buddhists, and even some other christian groups. they had all misinterpreted the bible. they were all wrong. they weren't doing what God wanted. they weren't going to get into Heaven. all because they misinterpreted what he was saying.

this is were my head started to spin with even more confusion.

because you see,
everyone sees things differently.
and everyone interpretes things differently.

what makes the jews and the catholics and the mormons and the buddhists and those other christians wrong?
what makes their interpretations of the bible wrong?
who's to say that my friend's own interpretation of the bible isn't wrong?

now there's something to mess with your head.

there's one bible. and yet hundreds of interpretations have come forth from it.

there's hundreds of different Gods.
hundreds of different practices to preach.
and there's thounsands of different theories about...the end. what's after.

some people say that you need to get baptized to get into Heaven.
some people say that you need to attend church regularly to get there.
some people say that you need to believe in God with all the powers of your being in order for an everlasting life.
and still others say you need to put your name is some book or something for an entrance.

but according to other people, there is no Heaven.
there's just an end. an end...with nothing left.
or there's reincarnation.
or a rampant spirit on earth while a rotting body sits in a cemetery.

there's hundreds of different viewpoints just for what happens in the end alone.
with all of those, how can there be just one right interpretation and just one right way?

some people demand that there can only be one way. one way for all the humans in the world to end up. or two, i suppose, if you factor in Hell with the Heaven option.

but the thing is, i don't think there is one way.

my personal belief of the after-life is that it's different for everyone - that it depends on what you believe.

if you believe with all your heart and soul in God, maybe you'll go to Heaven.
if you believe in reincarnation, maybe you'll come back as a fish.
if you believe that when you're dead, it'll just be...a blank slate. the end of the story. nothing. maybe that that will happen to you.

i don't think that the person who doesn't go to church regularly will go to Hell.
i don't think that the person who's unsure of God will go there either.
i think you'll go wherever you believe the after-life is.

as for my personal belief?

i think that it should be enough to be a good person. and then you'll get wherever you need to go in the end.

and who knows?

my interpretation of God sure thinks that's enough.

why can't we be friends?

i thought that it'd be different.
that since i wouldn't feel so awkward, i'd be able to tell you all those things i kept locked away for months.
that since things wouldn't feel so forced, we'd be able to talk normally.
that since we'd messed up the first time, we'd be able to be friends this go around.

instead,
i have my friends and you have yours.
they do not mix.
and neither do we anymore.

we see each other around.
not often, but we do.
a wave, a short conversation.
we act the part perfectly.

but it's just that.
an act, featuring two performers.
an awkward situation.
but the show must go on.

the show is a lie.
granted, we're not lovers anymore.
but here as we are, we're not even friends.
we're nothing.

and i know it won't do a damn bit of good to write this out in a blog that you might not even read, but just in case you do read it, i just want you to know -

i miss you.
can we please be friends?

is it?

"i just need to know if it's possible for two people to stay happy together forever."
-juno.

tonight i was babysitting for two little girls that live down the street from me. they moved here to iowa in november of this last year from sunny california. their family was a perfect one - bill, the dad - debbie, the mom - sarah, the feisty eleven-year-old - and hannah, the nine-year-old with a quick temper but a gentle heart. i look at their family portrait hanging in the hallway and think to myself, "what a perfect family."

perfect. yeah, right. as soon as bill and debbie leave, sarah and hannah get into a sisterly spat. this fight results in sarah going upstairs to watch tv, leaving me downstairs massaging hannah's back while she sits in my lap and sulks. sitting there in my lap, we sit in silence for over five minutes.
finally, she says in a really small voice, "sarah hates me."
i continue rubbing her back as i reply, "of course she doesn't, dear. she loves you. you guys are just going through a phase."
hannah shrugs and says, "mommy and daddy don't like it when we fight. we're not allowed to yell or use bad words. but they use bad words when they fight. that's not fair. they don't even follow their own rules."
shocked, i stop massaging her for a moment, then regain my composure and continue. "things are different when you're older, when you're an adult. that's not fair, but that's just the way things are."
she starts rocking back and forth on my lap, oblivious to my words and even, in a way, my prescence. "when they yell, they talk about getting divorced. and how if that happened, mom would go live with her sister or how dad would go live with his brother."
i hug her closer to me and pause. a beat of silence passes, until i break it. "you know, when i was younger, my parents would fight all the time too."
she interrupts me. "did they get divorced?"
"yeah," i admit, caught offguard at her interruption.
"were you mad?" she demands, craning her head around to look me straight in the eye. "were you mad at your parents?"
"well, yes, i was. i was mad and sad and cried for days and days. i blamed them for ruining my life. but you know what?" i pause. "here i am, a few years later, and i realized it was all for the best. my parents are both much happier this way, and so am i. there's no fighting anymore. there's just happiness."
hannah looks at me thoughtfully, her slightly damp eyes shining bright.
i continue. "not to say your parents will get divorced, hannah. this fighting is probably just a phase."
she looks back down at her lap. "when we were in california, they never fought," she says softly. "we lived in a really big house and there were lots of kids in the neighborhood. they were all really nice and were all my friends. daddy was vice president at his job, and he and mommy never fought. never. it was a good life." she whispers this last part. "almost as good as illinois. illinois was a great life..." she trails off, talking more to herself now than to me. then she suddenly turns around again. "i've lived in four states since i was born," she announces. "everytime we move, it's because of daddy's job. this is the worst move yet. his boss is really mean here, and he doesn't get paid as much as he did in california. our house is smaller. i don't have as many friends. and he and mommy fight a lot." she faces forward again and i envelop her in an even bigger hug. we sit there for a moment, as tears begin to roll down hannah's face. i wipe them on my sleeve as i also rub her back.
but a few minutes later, hannah is fine, and she takes my hand to lead me upstairs so that she can do my hair. as she pulls me up the stairs, my heart goes out to this little girl - who just, like me, wants it to be possible for two people to stay happy together forever.

-----------------------------

so what's the point of this story? well, it's one of the many things, along with

violent affairs
messy divorces
couple break-ups
disappearing relationships

that i've seen lately.

and i'm starting to lose all that faith that i have built up

in love
in relationships
in peace
in happiness

all over again.

and i just need to know:
is it possible for two people to stay happy together forever?

well,
is it?

another thing to add to my happiness list:

rainbows.

:]

music.

there are many things in my life that i don't understand. the current list for this week goes something along the lines of:

1) men
2) women
3) people in general
4) humans
5) hoes

but i find myself having to chalk up yet another thing i don't understand - music.

music - artistic form of auditory communication incorporating instrumental or vocal tones.

it's not that i don't understand what music is - i do. music is an artistic form of auditory communication incorporating instrumental or vocal tones. music is what you feel in your bones as you dance along to its pulsating beat. music is the ripples in your skin that you feel when you get goosebumps from a suspended pleasing note. music is the thumping of your heart as you thrive in the audience of a sold-out concert.

and it's not that i don't understand what music i like - i do. kate nash, playradioplay!, motion city soundtrack, the weepies, the postal service, between the trees, stars, relient k, "weird al", regina spektor, imogen heap, followed by ghosts, hellogoodbye, and death cab for cutie are all what i usually occupy myself with listening to. i sing along when i can, i dance along if appropiate, and i just like it. the end.

no, what i don't understand about music is how today, everyone seems to be all up-tight about different genres and preferences. country, classical, instrumental, rock, pop, traditional, rap, and oh so many more. but it seems like you can't like some of one genre and some of another - i can't like both rock and country! but what if i do? this is apparantly a problem, i am informed.

by whom am i informed of my serious musical blunders? music snobs. people who think they have a refined taste in music. people who think what they listen is not only better than listening to you, but it's better than what you're listening to too. people who think it's not possible to like something from one genre and something from another.

let me tell you: music snobs fucking annoy me.

why can't people just like what they like and not like what they don't?
why can't people not listen to what they don't like and listen to what they do?
and have that be the end?
it sounds simple.
it is simple.
so why isn't it like that?

why does it matter that that guy who listens to lil wayne constantly on his ipod loves the giants too?
why does it matter that that girl who constantly has a kelly clarkson song stuck in her head also listens to iron & wine?
and tell me why it matters that that oh-so-faithful followed by ghosts fan that comes to every single show also has a slight obsession with hinder?

tell me,
why does it matter?

people are allowed to like whatever they want.

why can't i like animal collective but not especially care for lcd soundsystem?
why can't i like the giants but really can't stand dead to fall?
why can't i like kate nash but not really listen to lily allen?
why does listening to a fall out boy song here and there make me an emo?
why does only knowing one jack's mannequin song make me not as a "great appreciator of the music" than you?
why does only liking one album from relient k make me less 'cool' than if i liked all of them?
why can't i like the killers without being "a stupid little sophmore girl who doesn't know what good music is?"

why can't i just like what i like and not like what i don't?

it seems i can't even say that i like a song from any band without being labeled,
"ohmygod, you like that? you're so indie/emo/punk/hardcore/scene/country bumpkin/classical freak/[insert any other musical genre here]."

geesh. people don't seem to get it.

people are different.
musics are different.

why can't we be different without it being a problem?
why can't i like what i like and not like what i don't?
why can't we just all enjoy the music?

a rhyme.

eyes light up
hearts sing
smiles spread
and happiness rings.

but then heartbeats pound
smiles fade
tears fall
as we pretend it's all okay.

then our souls ignite
smiles crack
hearts bloom
and the feeling's back.

but it's short-lived
and doesn't last too long
and we're left here to wonder
what went wrong.

catching the stars with her smiles
shining the sky with her eyes
sometimes it's hard to see the pain
behind such a well-crafted disguise.

let me tell you a story.

once upon a time, there lived a little boy and his mother. everyday, the little boy would ask his mother,
"mommy, will you always love me?"
as you see, the little boy was insecure and very needy. he needed love, and he needed to be reassured that he had it constantly. and every time the boy asked, his mother would always reply,
"yes, dear. i love you, and i always will."
then one day, the little boy and his mother were out for a drive. the little boy asked his mother, yet again,
"mommy, will you always love me?"
his mother, eyes on the road ahead, once again replied,
"yes, dear. i love you, and i always will."
the boy seemed to consider her response carefully this time; he thought about it for a moment or two and then asked another question:
"mommy, would you still love me if i murdered someone?"
his mother, somewhat startled, glanced over at her son. his eyes shone up to hers, geninuly curious and full of neediness. she sighed and dragged her eyes back to the road. silence filled the car and a few beats later the mother spoke.
"honey, i would hate what you did. i would cry and cry and cry. i would testify in any and every U.S. court to make sure you got the punishment you deserved. but i would never, ever, stop loving you."
the little boy turned away from her, and he too turned his eyes onto the road ahead. his mind whirled with questions, and he spoke the most important one aloud:
"why?"
his mother turned back to him once again, her shining eyes filled with compassion.
"because," she said simply,
"i just would. i love you, and i always will."

-------------------

the mother in the story above told her son that she loved him and that she always would. her son didn't understand this, so he asked her if she would still love him even when he did something bad. when she said she would, he still didn't understand; how can you still love someone even if they do something bad? what the little boy in the story didn't understand was that his mother loved him unconditionally - she showed him unconditional love.

unconditional love is when you love someone without any conditions - when you love them no matter what. when you love them despite their flaws. when you love them even if they've messed up.

to me, unconditional love is what we should mean when we say the word love - loving someone no matter what their flaws, issues, or whatever they may have done in their lives. unconditional love is loving someone, always.

you may not think that unconditional love is real - i mean, how can you love someone despite the fact that they've done something terrible? but like my stepmom shari told her son aaron many, many years ago,
"because, i just would. i love you, and i always will."

sometimes, 'because' is the best explanation you can give.

butterflies
unsticking their wings and taking flight
as we wake
from the morning light
and city noise.


butterflies
swooping and soaring through the air
as we run
beneath a clear blue sky
to catch the train filled with people, again.


butterflies
dancing on cloud lines
as we sprawl out at
our wooden desks, in an office building,
while outside roams a magnificent evening.


butterflies
folding their wings back up for sleep
as we return to the grey place called 'home'
in a city filled with noise
layed out under an ignored, but beautiful starry night.


butterflies
begin choking on the world's exhaust
as we repeat
this endless cycle
we call our lives.


butterflies
wilting and falling through the air
as we go on
blindly
as usual.


butterflies
gone.


where are the butterflies now?

i think it's quite funny how sometimes

the littlest things can make you smile.

:]

erase.

erase - to remove from memory or existence.

crying, i plop in my computer chair.
fingers flying across the keyboard, i fill in the blogger draft pages.
anger.
angst.
sadness.
disappointment.
frustration.
confusion.

and then the words are there.
the words that could make or break.
the words that catalouge how much pain i feel.
they make everything seem so much more real.

i sit there, reading the words over
and over
and over again.
then as i read over it all one last time, i realize something.
that it's not really as bad as i make it out to be.
that the words make it seem so much harsher than it really is.
that i'm overreacting.

so i select the text and press the 'delete' button, erasing everything.
erasing all the
anger and the angst.
all the sadness and the disappointment.
all the frustration and the confusion.

and then you know what?
i feel just a little bit better.

then before me, once again, sits a blank slate.
an empty screen.
a chance to forget everything i just wrote and to start over.

i pause, my fingers hovering over the keyboard.
i could start again;
i could make it less harsh and more realistic;
i have a do-over card.
a moment passes.
then another.

and i push back my computer chair,
stand up,
and walk away from the computer.

erase.
delete.
backspace.
undo.

blank slate.

erase your slate and walk away. you'll feel better. i promise.

my own "magic flying" glass.

Once upon a time, a reallyreally good friend of mine told me a story about this "magic flying" glass. This glass took everything terrible in someone's life and magnified it so large that everything in that someone's life was blown completely out of proportion. This "magic flying" glass then zoomed in and focused in on only the bad things in that someone's life. And until they removed the "magic flying" glass themselves, all that someone would ever do is sit and stare at those zoomed-in, blown-up, bad problems. My "magic flying" glass used to do that - I would sit and look through it for hours, crying because I thought my life was terrible. Because I thought no one could ever understand. Because I thought I had it so much worse than everyone else. My "magic flying" glass used to only focus on these things:

-My mom hasn't called in two weeks. Not because she's busy. She hasn't cared about me or my life for a long time.
-I feel myself growing farther and farther apart from my dad everyday. He has his dogs and I have my friends now. But I miss him terribly. We haven't talked like we used to in months.
-Some of my best friends have been angry with me lately, and all I can do is sit here, because I don't even know what they want from me anymore.
-Several of my friends have let themselves down by giving into addictions to drugs and alcohol. Others of them have let themselves down by making other not-so-great decisions; decisions I myself can barely watch them make.
-Someone I once really cared about didn't treat me the best. Maybe it was due to oblivion, but it still hurt. It hurt even worse when I found out that they, in addition to caring for me, also cared for one of my best friends. That may have been a while ago, but it still hurts.
-Last year, I left behind my hometown and best friends to come to a new place where I knew absolutely no one.
-I spent several weeks, even months, at my new school this year not talking to anyone. Being the wallpaper. Crying because I missed my old place and because I felt like I didn't have one here. I have never felt so alone in my life as I did then.

But then one day, I moved my "magic flying" glass over. Just a bit. Then a little bit farther. I nudged it off even farther and farther, until the words underneath it weren't magnified anymore. Until the problems that had lied under it weren't zoomed-in on anymore. Until I could see clearly again. And then I saw. I saw that:

-My mom may not care enough about me to call, but I have plenty of other people in my life that I know do care - my dad, my step-mom, my sisters, my friends. However, I'm going to visit my mom at my grandma's house late this summer - maybe then, things will change for better.
-Today being Father's Day, I spent the whole day (minus a few phone conversations) with my dad. We still didn't open up to each other like we used to, but it's a start. And in order to fix things, you've got to start somewhere.
-Some friends may be angry with me, but I still love them, and I will still love them no matter what happens. As for now, I'm going to keep moving forward in life - and when they decide they want to talk everything out, I'll be here, waiting.
-Those friends of mine that have addictions also have their own lives. They, and they alone, can live those lives. If that means throwing away their morals, so be it. Drugs and alcohol are personal life choices. Those may be their life choices, but they aren't mine. But even though I don't agree with their choices, I still care about those people, and I'll stick by them as much as I can.
-That person that I really cared for may have wronged me, but they taught me a lot. Because of what happened, I'm stronger. Wiser. More cautious. And now I'm ready to take on whatever may be coming up next.
-I may have left behind a good town and a great set of friends, but here I have a snazzy house that I adore, a slightly more urban town, really good new friends, a pretty good school, and a Walgreens within walking distance. Plus, I still have my great set of friends from my old town, and in a strange way, I feel like I still have my old town as well.
-Being completely alone in those first weeks of school taught me more than anything or anyone else ever had - more than when my mom had cancer. More than when my parents divorced. More than when I moved. More than any of the great people I've met in my life had ever taught me. More than any teachers could ever try to teach me. Being so utterly alone then taught me who cared enough to reach out a hand - who cared enough to be a friend. Being alone taught me who my real NU friends are. It taught me that you'll always have a place - you just have to find it. And maybe sometimes, you need to make your own. But most of all, that experience taught me that everything will be okay - and so far, it has been.

I saw all of that. And I saw that really, my life isn't that bad. My "magic flying" glass had actually been deceiving me. Not only that, but it had been covering up a bunch of really good things. Things like:

-I've got a great "home-base" made up of my dad, Shari, my cat Copper, and my dogs Bonnie and GiGi, all of whom are great listeners and are the best family I've ever had.
-I have amazing friends who've taught me what the word "care" really means.
-It's summer, and I'm relieved to be free from the stress of school.
-I'm really quite super excited for some summer plans that my friends and I are going to put into action, such as going camping, partying, sleepovers, etc.
-I've been introduced to several new people and new things this year, which I fully appreciate and am thankful for.
-I've started writing more - and according to some people, I'm apparantly pretty good. =D
-According to my GPA, I'm actually kind of...smart?
-I'm really excited about taking holga pictures - in fact, I'm really interested in photography in general right now, and I'm eager to try some stuff out this summer.
-I'm actually planning on getting my permit soon.
-I've been blessed to be in a safe household that hasn't been hit by any tornadoes/floods/any other natural disasters.
-I'm usually having a good time. All the time.

It turns out that my "magic flying" glass really isn't all that magic after all. In fact, I think it's broken. It's been helping me feel sorry for myself, when I have no need to be. It's been magnifying my problems, when really, they're quite miniscule in the whole grand scheme of things. It's been focusing in on only the bad, when it has so many good things to zoom in on. It's been focusing on "Jordan has a terrible life", when really, I have a great life.

I have a great life.
And I didn't even realize it, thanks to that no-good "magic flying" glass.

Thanks, Sam Brooks. For helping me move my own "magic flying" glass.

=[

i was alone,
and you were alone.

and instead of being alone by ourselves,
we were alone together.

we didn't talk,
and we didn't need to.

we barely breathed,
as the air hung around us.

we weren't together with each other,
but we weren't alone by ourselves.

and just for that moment,
that was enough.

it was enough.

-----

1) i am alive and well.
2) my family is all alive and well too.
3) my friends are all okay.
4) my town isn't completely underwater.
and
5) everything is going to be alright.

have you counted your blessings today?

what happened?

you used to bare your soul to me, and i kept it safe. now, you barely talk to me. what happened?

you used to be my hero. i looked up to you more than anyone. but now, you're different. i don't look up to you anymore. what happened?

you used to fight for it; this; us. then you stopped. what happened?

you used to need me, and everytime you called, i would be there for you. then you didn't call me when you were in trouble anymore. then you stopped calling at all. what happened?

you used to care about keeping us together more than anything. best friends forever. slowly, you started contributing to the cracks in our already-crumbling foundation. what happened?

we ended almost the same as we began; but why? what happened?

we were always on the same page. then you started reading faster than me. now you're at the climax of your story, and i'm still at the beginning. what happened?

we used to love. now, all i hear from our lips are words of hate. what happened?

what happened?

things change.
people change.
everything changed.

that's what happened.

this summer, i want to...

1) get my permit.
2) take driver's ed.
3) write. writewritewritewritewritewrite.
4) dye my hair.
5) read all the anime books that sam gave me.
6) actually use my deviantART for something.
7) go to the rockford rock quarry for a day.
8) ditto adventureland.
9) ditto lost island.
10) read several books on my "classic-literature" list, including the great gatsby, lord of the flies, catch-22, etc.
11) take decent pictures with my holga camera.
12) do an evil scheme.
13) spend a weekend at cedar bend with the posse.
14) go to at least one followed by ghosts show.
15) study for the ACTs.
16) start on NHD 2009!
17) actually decorate my room.
18) see as many of my friends as humanly possible.
19) survive.
and
20) have fun.

there. that sounds like a good start.

jordan secret #232:

sometimes, i push the people i care about most away from me because i'm scared of getting hurt.

in the end, doing that only hurts worse.

when it's perfect.

they say that it's something that can't be described
and what matters more isn't it itself but the feeling behind it.
it sends a shiver down your spine that steals your breath and grips your toes.
they say that it's something you just can't describe,
how the earth stops spinning for a moment in time.
everything and everyone else disappears for a while.
and suddenly, you lose all your sense of reality.
when it's perfect.

so i think it will be just as they describe
when the right time and anticipation collide,
and i'm intimate distance from that beautiful smile.
i'll rest my hand behind her head
so i feel that shiver sent from her neck, through my lips, into my spine.
as the earth stops spinning i'll realize.
it's perfect.
-"when it's perfect", christian brown.

perspective.

this year, i've started to think a lot more about things. things that i never really thought of before. things like

right and wrong.
yes and no.
lies and truths.
black and white.
crossing boundary lines and staying in them.

"is all that right? or is it wrong?"
"are those lies or truths that you tell me?"
"what shade is your thinking, black or white?"
"how far will you go until you cross those carefully-drawn boundary lines? or will you even bother to stop at all?"

this year, thoughts like these have swamped my brain.
i'm scared.
i'm scared that

by being wrong
by answering incorrectly
by not being truthful
by being the wrong shade
by accidently crossing the acceptable line

that i'm hurting someone.
maybe even myself.

but what really drives me crazy is the fact that you can't just be "right" or "wrong."
"right" to one person is "wrong" to another.
everything depends on your perspective.
your way of looking at things.
and everyone's perspective is different.

to one person, i'm right.
to another, i'm wrong.
yes.
no.
lies.
truth.
black.
white.
over the line.
behind the line.

it all depends on your perspective.
which is partly of what screws us all up in the world.
because sometimes, we listen to other's perspectives and don't listen to our own.
and lately, that's what feels like is happening to me.

i'm so screwed up in trying to do

what's right,
and answering right,
and telling the truth,
and walking carefully without crossing the line,
and being a single shade in a black&white world,

that i've lost my own perspective.

because i'm so busy trying to fill everyone else's expectations of

right
yes
truth
shade
lines

that i don't even have my own perspective anymore.

my own way of looking at things.
my own voice for explaining them.
my own thoughts to process them.

instead, all i hear is everyone else's perspective.

right.
wrong.
yes.
no.
lies.
truth.
black.
white.
over the line.
behind the line.

and i've lost my own.
i've lost my own.

one of those typical blogs that every ex-girlfriend writes expressing their angst.

i just need you to understand:

there isn't/wasn't anyone else.
i still like you.
i still care about you.
but i just can't.

and i haven't quite entirely figured that last part out yet.
and i know that this is the part where everyone inserts the, "well, if you don't know for sure, why'd you do it?"

why.
why.
why.

there always comes the why.

that's the thing. i don't entirely know why.
well, i know why, but i don't.
and it's not because i like someone else or because i don't like you.
it's the exact freakin' opposite.
which really may not make sense to you,
hell, it doesn't even make sense to me sometimes.
but i just need you to understand that. to accept it. to believe it. because it's the truth.

as for the "why",
i still don't know.

*insert a bunch of angst here*

but i'm sorry. really sorry.

sorry that i don't even understand myself.
sorry that i'm being confusing.
sorry that i didn't try harder.
sorry that it didn't work.
sorry that it couldn't work.
...could it?

this is where i start the thinking game again.
thinking about it all over again.
thinking about what everyone tells me.
thinking about what everyone doesn't tell me.
thinking about what i really want.
thinking way too fucking much about it all.

but you know what,
i'm really really really sick of thinking.
and i just want to know that everything's going to be okay.
because it is going to be okay...
right?

and i remember myself, sitting here, typing on this very blog many months ago, asking you, begging you, pleading you, with this same exact question -

right?

thanks.

you cared.

please.

break my heart gently, for i am weak,
talk to me silently, for i cannot speak,
play with me endlessly, for i have no better to do,
say goodbye quickly, for i might not make it through.

i'm tired of thinking.

i'm tired of thinking. period.
it seems like that's all i've done this past week. think.

my brain feels like its over-loading; like it's going to explode from all this thinking, and over-analyzing, and worrying, and stressing, and being tired, and being scared, and feeling alone, and hoping you're alright, and wanting to cheer you up, and protecting you from everything, and just trying to be okay.

i'm just tired of thinking.
i'm tired of thinking about everything.
i'm tired of thinking about what's happened.
i'm tired of thinking about what could happen.
i'm tired of thinking about what's going to change.
i'm tired of thinking about what you might be thinking about.
i'm tired of thinking about if i am right or wrong.
i'm tired of thinking about if i'm pleasing you and if i'm doing it right.
i'm tired of thinking about what i should do and what i shouldn't.
i'm tired of thinking about what others do.
i'm tired of thinking about every little thing you do.
i'm tired of thinking about thinking. because that's all i'm doing now.

i'm tired of it.

because the only place my thinking gets me is nowhere.

i went for a walk today -

and thought
and thought
and thought
and thought.

i went for a walk today
and thought about
who we once were,
and who we are now,
and how everything's changing,
yet everything's staying the same.

i went for a walk today
and thought about
endings and beginnings,
and school and summer,
and staying together,
and saying goodbye.

i went for a walk today
and thought about
you; how i hoped you were okay;
how i wished you'd call;
how i missed you so.

i went for a walk today
and thought about
how you're gone now,
and about how you're leaving soon,
and about how far we've all come this year.

i went for a walk today
and thought about
the way things were,
and the way things are,
and the way things are going to be very soon.

i went for a walk today
and thought about
right and wrong,
and yes and no,
and lies and truths,
and shades of grey.

i went for a walk today
and thought about
absolutely everything
that has happened in the last nine months,
and about how life shouldn't be this complicated.

so while i was out on my walk today,
i stopped at a playground
and sat on a swing
and swung.
and after awhile,
i didn't think at all.
i just swung.

i just swung.