2010:

It's been real.

Long time, no update.

I've been searching for every opportunity to post over the past few months, but time lately has carefully been eluding me. 2010 is nearly over: where has this year gone?

As of one hour ago, I've officially applied to three colleges. I was accepted to the University of Iowa a few months ago, and I am currently awaiting their acceptance/rejection of my application for a Presidential Scholarship there. Just today, I submitted apps to Sarah Lawrence and Connecticut, two small liberal arts schools I visited earlier this year when I went to New York...did I mention I flew to the East Coast to hang out with my sister and hit up potential colleges last October? It's been too long.

While it feels good to be halfway done with the tedious process of college applications, I'm honestly somewhat scared of what'll come back to me in a letter next April. Staying in Iowa wouldn't be the end of the world, but I've spent eighteen years counting on the fact that next year I would be anywhere but here; but, as they say, whatever happens happens, and one can always bloom where they are planted.

Work has been demanding, but rewarding: I love Porter's, and I learn something new every day I'm there. The paycheck could be better, but brand 'spiffs' make up for that: I made an extra $509 this Christmas season just from selling Nikon products. I'm a Canon girl all the way, but I'm not about to argue with any additional cash!

In terms of photography, I've shot one wedding, two senior photo sessions, and one family portrait session in the past few months. The experience is beyond valuable to me, and it warms my heart to see my prints hanging up in homes and frames. I showed a slideshow of some recent work at the Multimedia Art Party a few weeks ago, too.

My sisters just left after spending Christmas here in Cedar Falls. It's always great to have them home, but I wish that Aaron and Penelope (my stepbrother and his girlfriend) could have been here, too.

Honestly, the past few months have passed by me in an unfeeling and hazy blur. I've been so swamped with preoccupations that I've gone into 'auto' mode. I can't remember the last time I truly felt happy and 'in the moment': instead, I almost always feel socially awkward or unnecessarily down. I've also grown apart from a lot of my friends, and, no matter how hard I try to immerse myself back in our scene, it doesn't seem to work. I know everyone has those days, weeks, and even months - but it's my senior year, and this is certainly not how I want to spend it.

So, here's to the upcoming New Year - hopefully it's better (and doesn't fly by as quickly!) as 2010.

----

And we tumble down like Jack and Jill,

and I miss all of the joy you kill,

but I love you still: be my thrill.

Out in the harbor;

the ships roll in,
it's Christmastime.
The kids all holler;

carols cross the water,

stars that shine.

All that I want.

I'm not ready yet.

I've spent nearly eighteen years of my life doing absolutely nothing. Suddenly, out of the blue, everything's happening too fast. How come no one has told me that I should have been preparing for this all along?

With adulthood comes great responsibility. For the first time, I am a working girl, in an official job. I earn a salary; I hold a committment to my workplace. Why did it take me so long to get here?

Junior year has turned to seniority in the blink of an eye. College is too close for comfort; I'm not ready yet. I still have to take tests, write essays, earn financial aid; I have to be good enough for someplace to want me. Why would any college want to have me there?

The rest of my life is looming over me like the largest thundercloud of a summer storm. I love writing, photography, and acting, but as hobbies, not as monthly incomes. How am I going to be able to find a career?

I'm just not ready for all this yet.

Sundress.

Three months may seem so short when you're in paradise;

turn all my Monday mornings into Friday nights.

And when it's done;

we'll wait for another summer sun.

I'll be one year away.

But that's far too long to wait, I'm afraid.

Four months, you'll be in college far away.

And that's all I have to say.

Oh, August.

I can't believe the summer is winding down so quickly! Ten days until school starts - senior year, anyone? Honestly, I'm ready for the new year, in a bittersweet kind of way. This summer has been somewhat of a drag, and the steady schedule of school can oddly be comforting.

Was Anime Iowa really only last weekend? It feels like it's been years! The con was a lot of fun, and cosplaying as the 'Super Mario Sisters' was a big hit.

I got a job at Porter's Cameras in Cedar Falls. I don't start for another few days, so I feel like it's still not 'official' or anything, but I feel very relieved to have something lined up. With all the college kids migrating back for the school year, finding a good deal on a job is a huge bonus right now.

My friend Josh got back from spending the summer in St. Louis a few nights ago. We hit up Perkins at like 1 AM, and today we're going to go out and play some tennis. I'm going to miss him when he leaves for college this fall.

My theatre director called the other day and invited me to a play in Wisconsin with him and his wife. The five of us (the Frennas, Christine, Rachel, and me) loaded up to head out on Friday afternoon. Needless to say, we never quite made it out of Iowa. After six hours in a van, we found ourselves in Iowa City, and making the play seemed a bit impossible. I often wonder how I always get myself into these types of situations...

I was supposed to go to Minnesota with my friend Elizabeth for a week-long vacation, but the chaos and hecticness of the beginning of the school year kept me here instead. I hope she has a great time anyway!

I'm actually a little worried about the start of the new semester, though not because I'm sad to see the year begin or anything. School hasn't even started yet, and I can already feel the stress of an overload of work and committments seeping into me. What with 'Twelfth Night,' Calculus at UNI, college visits and applications, and two independent studies, on top of a full high school schedule and a new part-time job, I'm afraid I might self-combust before I even have the chance to graduate! I thought senior year was supposed to be a breeze, hm?

Herp derp.

I've got to get out of here.

I need a change. My life is so. . .dull. I've spent 17 years living it, but what do I have to show for it? I'm "good" at some things, but I'm not exceptional or amazing at anything.

I feel as if the scene here is suffocating me; every day, I wake up and do the same things with the same people in the same place: the same unimportant things that really, in the grand scheme of things, mean next-to-nothing at all. Surrounded by all this same-old nonsense, sometimes I feel like I'll never be able to truly get out of here.

I need a permanent vacation.

Wouldn't it be nice if we were older?

Then we wouldn't have to wait so long.

I'm a Wario, I'm a Gonna Win!

So. pumped.

It's a mean town,

but I don't care.

Try and steal this;

can't steal happiness.

I don't ask for much.

I've never been one for the, "Oh, I need a boyfriend to feel complete" scene. While others find it necessary to constantly tug at the heartstrings of boys, I've always felt content in knowing that the future, though far off, surely holds something bigger and better than the present. I suppose one could complain that those are too high of standards; others could label it an overactive imagination for a concept that doesn't exist. I'd like to think that this isn't true, and this is why.

I may not be experienced, but I would call myself knowledgeable on a few things pertaining to this. I know that relationships flourish within the boundary lines of teenage puberty; yet they go far beyond the four brick walls of high school. I've always believed - no, I've always known - that once released into reality, romance knows no limits and surpasses the immaturity of previous relationships by leaps and bounds.

I credit this discovery to what I would call a well-blended balance of emotion and logic. To me, it just makes sense to keep a set of values and morals that, when followed, will bring you long-term happiness:

Think things through before acting; the impulses of the heart oftentimes create more tragedies than love stories.

Don't settle, and don't be afraid to let go; if something is truly meant to be, it will happen, despite your actions.

Don't date across drastic age lines; differences in maturity levels and the amount of worldly experiences not only makes connection difficult, but growth as an individual impossible.

Know that it's right, and go for it.

Of course, I also know that there are exceptions to every rule, but they are just that: an exception. A rare occurrence, one which should not be held up as a standard to meet for the typical situation.

Perhaps I don't give the most credited perspective; after all, why bother taking advice from someone like me? I follow my head and my heart equally, and look where it's got me. However, despite the limitations on all possible relationships that I've ever encountered since hitting puberty, I still possess a large imagination, a simple hope, and an unwavering certainty of the bright future ahead.

Someday, I'll meet someone. Someday, I'll just know that it's right. Someday, there will be a relationship that will encompass everything I've ever hoped for and more. There will be no doubts, worries, or hesitations. Someday.

I don't ask for much. I only wish to keep my hopes and dreams for a better tomorrow, a better year, and a better future alive. But as the future draws closer and closer every day, I see the cracks and faults along my simplest wish. What if reality isn't what I always knew it would be? What if nothing brighter exists on the horizon after all? What if this hum-drum nonsense is truly all there is?

I don't ask for much, but I do ask for more than that.

Stay out of my dreams;

I'm falling in love tonight.

I was wrong.

But hey, that's no surprise to me.

I've been in California for the past two weeks. I love it here; the weather, the beach, my family; but I'm definitely ready to go home.

Today I went on my first college visit to Occidental, a small liberal arts school in LA. I loved it, but I don't especially love thinking about how close the future is - always just one small step away, much too close for comfort.

My phone broke the other day, so if you want to contact me, just leave me a message on Facebook. I should get a new one after I get back to Iowa on around the 20th.

But overall, I'm happy. Life is too short to be lived any other way.

Come up with a master plan -

a homerun hit, a winning stand;

a guarantee and not a promise

that I'll never let your love

slip from my hands.

Thought #217:

I often wonder how different my life would be if my timing was just a tad bit better.

----

I like you, might be true,
Sincerely, don't know who,
Can't be me, because you see,
I'm not one who falls in love easily.

When I grow up, I want to be:

A student, a poet, a musician, a lover, a doctor, a photographer, a sister, an actress, an editor, a daughter, a teacher, a chef, a friend, an artist, an author, and a mom.

Someday.

Someday, you'll whisper to me, "Guess who?" behind the cover of twilight; I'll smile and play along. You'll cup my chin in your hand and ask me what I see: I'll close my eyes and say, "Everything."

Reason #425 to Smile:

"I hope we can always be best friends."

All good things may come to an end -

but the best ones go out with a bang.

We'll miss you.

Prom 2010:

It's been great.