where is the love?

"tonight, your ghost will ask my ghost,
where is the love?
tonight, your ghost will ask my ghost,
who put these bodies between us?"
-calculation theme, metric.

everywhere i've looked lately, there's hate.
i used to look around and see love.
couples happy, friendships blossoming.
but not anymore.
everything has started to fall apart.
and not even love can keep it together this time.

instead of loving, we've started to hate.
we hate by pointing fingers and accusing.
we hate by hurting those closest to us to relieve the pain.
we hate by leaving those that need us behind.
we hate by saying vicious things, with our words and with our actions.
we hate by demanding information that really doesn't concern us.
we hate by ignoring those that obviously need our help.
we hate by talking about things that aren't ours to talk about.
we hate by asking too much of those we know can't handle it.
we hate by crossing the carefully drawn out boundary lines.

why do we do this, this hating? why can't we
at least try to understand?
at least try to listen to each other?
at least try to keep hearts intact?
at least try to love?

why can't we all at least try?

because hating is easier.
and God forbid we try to fight for a relationship that used to mean the world to us.

but really,
why can't we all at least try?

today was supposed to be your day.

if things were different, i would have bought you a crystal rose for a present.
because that's what dad used to always call you.
"rose", that is.
and dad would make you breakfast.
it'd be just the three of us.
happy.

if things were different, i would have bought you a cheap hallmark card for a present.
because that's all i could think of to get.
last-minute much?
and we'd go out to eat together.
just the two of us.
not really happy, but okay.

if things were different, i would have given you an awkward hug for a present.
because i would have forgotten the date.
bad daughter.
and we'd have had a short chat at your apartment.
the two of us not in sync anymore.
and not really okay anymore.

but because of the way things are, i gave you a phone call for a present.
because that's all i have left to give.
a pointless conversation.
and we'd talk about absolutely nothing for roughly two minutes.
the two of us just waiting to hang up and go back to our different lives.
not anything anymore.

happy mother's day, mom.

how far we've come.

6 months ago today, i stood on a stage under hot bright lights and poured every ounce of my being into our fall play.
6 months ago today, one of my long-standing predictions was to come true in the dimly-lit hallways of a high school dance.
6 months ago today, i figured out who really cared then. and who still does care now.

6 months ago today.
just look at how far we've come.

relationships have started, ended, continued.
people have stayed, gone, moved on.
events have occured.
things have happened.
emotions have raged.
and a lot has changed.

we have all changed.
some more than others.
some for the better.
some for the worse.

our perspectives have changed.
our views.
our beliefs.
our hopes.
our dreams.

things have changed.
we aren't small anymore.
we aren't naive anymore.
we aren't kids anymore.

we've all come pretty far in these last 6 months;
but has it been good?
or has it been bad?

i guess that's yours to decide.

show me you care...please?

how am i supposed to know you care
when we go days without speaking?

how am i supposed to know you care
when the only questions you ask about my life are the ones that affect you?

how am i supposed to know you care
when you don't even bother to tell me what happens in your life anymore?

how am i supposed to know you care
when you don't even bother to ask me what's happening in my life?

how am i supposed to know you care
when you only talk to me about trivial things and no longer about the things that really matter?

how am i supposed to know you care
when it feels like you only talk to me to get information, then toss me aside when i have no more left to offer?

how am i supposed to know you care
when it's only cool to "know" me these days, and loving me isn't as popular?

how am i supposed to know you care?
when if you do, you sure have a funny way of showing it.
only i'm not laughing.

just give me a sign that you care.

please.
please.
please?

thanks, "you."

i've lost all faith;
in relationships.
in romance.
in happiness.
in peace.
in love.

you are the reason i've lost my faith. you are the reason i don't believe in anything anymore. you were my hero. and you let me down.

i looked at you and saw you;
in a relationship.
full of romance.
full of happiness.
full of peace.
in love.

everything i ever wanted. and you had it. who is "you"? you is every single one of you. every single person on this planet has broken my beliefs. my trust. my heart, in a way.

i thought your relationship was perfect.
i thought the romance in your life was the thing that kept you going.
i thought you were full of happiness.
i thought you supported the peace.
i thought you were really in love.

i was wrong. you weren't.

i believed in the relationships i saw and that they would last forever.
i believed in a romance that unified two people into one mind and soul.
i believed in a happiness that was perfect. pure. serene. unbreakable.
i believed in a peace where everyone loved each other; or at least tried to.
i believed in love. and that was my biggest mistake.

you may have broken other people's hearts, but you broke my beliefs. and that hurt just as much. but you taught me something. and i guess that's just as important.

i know now that relationships won't last forever.
i know now that romance isn't enough to keep two people together.
i know now that happiness is only temporary.
i know now that peace is an unattainable goal in our world today.
i know now that love doesn't exist.

so i guess all i have left to say is "thanks."

a thanks for teaching me.
a thanks for letting me down.
a thanks for helping me lose all my faith in you.
so, thanks.
even though you sure don't deserve it.

i'll be here.

"and if you get lost along the way,
look to your friends.
we may not last forever,
but we'll stay as long as we can."
-heidi

i'll be here if you get lost.
i'll be here when it all goes wrong.
i'll be here when you need a hug.
i'll be here when they all leave you behind.
i'll be here when your world turns upside down.
i'll be here when you don't understand.
i'll be here when you just need someone.
i'll be here as long as i can.

will you?

an actual blog about my current life.

XDDDDDDDDD

--------------------------

so basically, as of late, i still feel like i'm dead. not a lot of sleep, way too much stuff to do, very little time. bright side, though - SCHOOL IS OUT THIS MONTH! HOLYPEE!

anywho.

this week has been fairly uneventful, despite the
a) one day that was quite possibly one of the worst of my life,
b) saddening realization that indeed all (okay, a large percentage) women (and men) are hoes,
and
c) being hypercrazy in the extreme at the lampost, school, choir/band contest, various other places...

yes.

contest was way fun, though. it actually kind of reminded me of speech. it was crazyinsane and we got a one for both choir and band. woot woot!

but moving on.

tomorrow afternoon i'm leaving my house for good. actually, more like until monday night. i'll be gone at the 4H show, sammyb's house, des moines, and state history day all weekend. CALL AND TEXT ME. i would quite enjoy your conversation and vocal company.

plus i've got myself a crapload of homework to do, when i already have no time for it. and that's not even counting work i'll miss on monday, considering i didn't even tell the teachers i wasn't going to be there...

anyways.

so that's pretty much my life right now in a nutshell. crazy, eh?

^_^