perspective.

this year, i've started to think a lot more about things. things that i never really thought of before. things like

right and wrong.
yes and no.
lies and truths.
black and white.
crossing boundary lines and staying in them.

"is all that right? or is it wrong?"
"are those lies or truths that you tell me?"
"what shade is your thinking, black or white?"
"how far will you go until you cross those carefully-drawn boundary lines? or will you even bother to stop at all?"

this year, thoughts like these have swamped my brain.
i'm scared.
i'm scared that

by being wrong
by answering incorrectly
by not being truthful
by being the wrong shade
by accidently crossing the acceptable line

that i'm hurting someone.
maybe even myself.

but what really drives me crazy is the fact that you can't just be "right" or "wrong."
"right" to one person is "wrong" to another.
everything depends on your perspective.
your way of looking at things.
and everyone's perspective is different.

to one person, i'm right.
to another, i'm wrong.
yes.
no.
lies.
truth.
black.
white.
over the line.
behind the line.

it all depends on your perspective.
which is partly of what screws us all up in the world.
because sometimes, we listen to other's perspectives and don't listen to our own.
and lately, that's what feels like is happening to me.

i'm so screwed up in trying to do

what's right,
and answering right,
and telling the truth,
and walking carefully without crossing the line,
and being a single shade in a black&white world,

that i've lost my own perspective.

because i'm so busy trying to fill everyone else's expectations of

right
yes
truth
shade
lines

that i don't even have my own perspective anymore.

my own way of looking at things.
my own voice for explaining them.
my own thoughts to process them.

instead, all i hear is everyone else's perspective.

right.
wrong.
yes.
no.
lies.
truth.
black.
white.
over the line.
behind the line.

and i've lost my own.
i've lost my own.

one of those typical blogs that every ex-girlfriend writes expressing their angst.

i just need you to understand:

there isn't/wasn't anyone else.
i still like you.
i still care about you.
but i just can't.

and i haven't quite entirely figured that last part out yet.
and i know that this is the part where everyone inserts the, "well, if you don't know for sure, why'd you do it?"

why.
why.
why.

there always comes the why.

that's the thing. i don't entirely know why.
well, i know why, but i don't.
and it's not because i like someone else or because i don't like you.
it's the exact freakin' opposite.
which really may not make sense to you,
hell, it doesn't even make sense to me sometimes.
but i just need you to understand that. to accept it. to believe it. because it's the truth.

as for the "why",
i still don't know.

*insert a bunch of angst here*

but i'm sorry. really sorry.

sorry that i don't even understand myself.
sorry that i'm being confusing.
sorry that i didn't try harder.
sorry that it didn't work.
sorry that it couldn't work.
...could it?

this is where i start the thinking game again.
thinking about it all over again.
thinking about what everyone tells me.
thinking about what everyone doesn't tell me.
thinking about what i really want.
thinking way too fucking much about it all.

but you know what,
i'm really really really sick of thinking.
and i just want to know that everything's going to be okay.
because it is going to be okay...
right?

and i remember myself, sitting here, typing on this very blog many months ago, asking you, begging you, pleading you, with this same exact question -

right?

thanks.

you cared.

please.

break my heart gently, for i am weak,
talk to me silently, for i cannot speak,
play with me endlessly, for i have no better to do,
say goodbye quickly, for i might not make it through.

i'm tired of thinking.

i'm tired of thinking. period.
it seems like that's all i've done this past week. think.

my brain feels like its over-loading; like it's going to explode from all this thinking, and over-analyzing, and worrying, and stressing, and being tired, and being scared, and feeling alone, and hoping you're alright, and wanting to cheer you up, and protecting you from everything, and just trying to be okay.

i'm just tired of thinking.
i'm tired of thinking about everything.
i'm tired of thinking about what's happened.
i'm tired of thinking about what could happen.
i'm tired of thinking about what's going to change.
i'm tired of thinking about what you might be thinking about.
i'm tired of thinking about if i am right or wrong.
i'm tired of thinking about if i'm pleasing you and if i'm doing it right.
i'm tired of thinking about what i should do and what i shouldn't.
i'm tired of thinking about what others do.
i'm tired of thinking about every little thing you do.
i'm tired of thinking about thinking. because that's all i'm doing now.

i'm tired of it.

because the only place my thinking gets me is nowhere.

i went for a walk today -

and thought
and thought
and thought
and thought.

i went for a walk today
and thought about
who we once were,
and who we are now,
and how everything's changing,
yet everything's staying the same.

i went for a walk today
and thought about
endings and beginnings,
and school and summer,
and staying together,
and saying goodbye.

i went for a walk today
and thought about
you; how i hoped you were okay;
how i wished you'd call;
how i missed you so.

i went for a walk today
and thought about
how you're gone now,
and about how you're leaving soon,
and about how far we've all come this year.

i went for a walk today
and thought about
the way things were,
and the way things are,
and the way things are going to be very soon.

i went for a walk today
and thought about
right and wrong,
and yes and no,
and lies and truths,
and shades of grey.

i went for a walk today
and thought about
absolutely everything
that has happened in the last nine months,
and about how life shouldn't be this complicated.

so while i was out on my walk today,
i stopped at a playground
and sat on a swing
and swung.
and after awhile,
i didn't think at all.
i just swung.

i just swung.

where is the love?

"tonight, your ghost will ask my ghost,
where is the love?
tonight, your ghost will ask my ghost,
who put these bodies between us?"
-calculation theme, metric.

everywhere i've looked lately, there's hate.
i used to look around and see love.
couples happy, friendships blossoming.
but not anymore.
everything has started to fall apart.
and not even love can keep it together this time.

instead of loving, we've started to hate.
we hate by pointing fingers and accusing.
we hate by hurting those closest to us to relieve the pain.
we hate by leaving those that need us behind.
we hate by saying vicious things, with our words and with our actions.
we hate by demanding information that really doesn't concern us.
we hate by ignoring those that obviously need our help.
we hate by talking about things that aren't ours to talk about.
we hate by asking too much of those we know can't handle it.
we hate by crossing the carefully drawn out boundary lines.

why do we do this, this hating? why can't we
at least try to understand?
at least try to listen to each other?
at least try to keep hearts intact?
at least try to love?

why can't we all at least try?

because hating is easier.
and God forbid we try to fight for a relationship that used to mean the world to us.

but really,
why can't we all at least try?

today was supposed to be your day.

if things were different, i would have bought you a crystal rose for a present.
because that's what dad used to always call you.
"rose", that is.
and dad would make you breakfast.
it'd be just the three of us.
happy.

if things were different, i would have bought you a cheap hallmark card for a present.
because that's all i could think of to get.
last-minute much?
and we'd go out to eat together.
just the two of us.
not really happy, but okay.

if things were different, i would have given you an awkward hug for a present.
because i would have forgotten the date.
bad daughter.
and we'd have had a short chat at your apartment.
the two of us not in sync anymore.
and not really okay anymore.

but because of the way things are, i gave you a phone call for a present.
because that's all i have left to give.
a pointless conversation.
and we'd talk about absolutely nothing for roughly two minutes.
the two of us just waiting to hang up and go back to our different lives.
not anything anymore.

happy mother's day, mom.

how far we've come.

6 months ago today, i stood on a stage under hot bright lights and poured every ounce of my being into our fall play.
6 months ago today, one of my long-standing predictions was to come true in the dimly-lit hallways of a high school dance.
6 months ago today, i figured out who really cared then. and who still does care now.

6 months ago today.
just look at how far we've come.

relationships have started, ended, continued.
people have stayed, gone, moved on.
events have occured.
things have happened.
emotions have raged.
and a lot has changed.

we have all changed.
some more than others.
some for the better.
some for the worse.

our perspectives have changed.
our views.
our beliefs.
our hopes.
our dreams.

things have changed.
we aren't small anymore.
we aren't naive anymore.
we aren't kids anymore.

we've all come pretty far in these last 6 months;
but has it been good?
or has it been bad?

i guess that's yours to decide.

show me you care...please?

how am i supposed to know you care
when we go days without speaking?

how am i supposed to know you care
when the only questions you ask about my life are the ones that affect you?

how am i supposed to know you care
when you don't even bother to tell me what happens in your life anymore?

how am i supposed to know you care
when you don't even bother to ask me what's happening in my life?

how am i supposed to know you care
when you only talk to me about trivial things and no longer about the things that really matter?

how am i supposed to know you care
when it feels like you only talk to me to get information, then toss me aside when i have no more left to offer?

how am i supposed to know you care
when it's only cool to "know" me these days, and loving me isn't as popular?

how am i supposed to know you care?
when if you do, you sure have a funny way of showing it.
only i'm not laughing.

just give me a sign that you care.

please.
please.
please?

thanks, "you."

i've lost all faith;
in relationships.
in romance.
in happiness.
in peace.
in love.

you are the reason i've lost my faith. you are the reason i don't believe in anything anymore. you were my hero. and you let me down.

i looked at you and saw you;
in a relationship.
full of romance.
full of happiness.
full of peace.
in love.

everything i ever wanted. and you had it. who is "you"? you is every single one of you. every single person on this planet has broken my beliefs. my trust. my heart, in a way.

i thought your relationship was perfect.
i thought the romance in your life was the thing that kept you going.
i thought you were full of happiness.
i thought you supported the peace.
i thought you were really in love.

i was wrong. you weren't.

i believed in the relationships i saw and that they would last forever.
i believed in a romance that unified two people into one mind and soul.
i believed in a happiness that was perfect. pure. serene. unbreakable.
i believed in a peace where everyone loved each other; or at least tried to.
i believed in love. and that was my biggest mistake.

you may have broken other people's hearts, but you broke my beliefs. and that hurt just as much. but you taught me something. and i guess that's just as important.

i know now that relationships won't last forever.
i know now that romance isn't enough to keep two people together.
i know now that happiness is only temporary.
i know now that peace is an unattainable goal in our world today.
i know now that love doesn't exist.

so i guess all i have left to say is "thanks."

a thanks for teaching me.
a thanks for letting me down.
a thanks for helping me lose all my faith in you.
so, thanks.
even though you sure don't deserve it.

i'll be here.

"and if you get lost along the way,
look to your friends.
we may not last forever,
but we'll stay as long as we can."
-heidi

i'll be here if you get lost.
i'll be here when it all goes wrong.
i'll be here when you need a hug.
i'll be here when they all leave you behind.
i'll be here when your world turns upside down.
i'll be here when you don't understand.
i'll be here when you just need someone.
i'll be here as long as i can.

will you?

an actual blog about my current life.

XDDDDDDDDD

--------------------------

so basically, as of late, i still feel like i'm dead. not a lot of sleep, way too much stuff to do, very little time. bright side, though - SCHOOL IS OUT THIS MONTH! HOLYPEE!

anywho.

this week has been fairly uneventful, despite the
a) one day that was quite possibly one of the worst of my life,
b) saddening realization that indeed all (okay, a large percentage) women (and men) are hoes,
and
c) being hypercrazy in the extreme at the lampost, school, choir/band contest, various other places...

yes.

contest was way fun, though. it actually kind of reminded me of speech. it was crazyinsane and we got a one for both choir and band. woot woot!

but moving on.

tomorrow afternoon i'm leaving my house for good. actually, more like until monday night. i'll be gone at the 4H show, sammyb's house, des moines, and state history day all weekend. CALL AND TEXT ME. i would quite enjoy your conversation and vocal company.

plus i've got myself a crapload of homework to do, when i already have no time for it. and that's not even counting work i'll miss on monday, considering i didn't even tell the teachers i wasn't going to be there...

anyways.

so that's pretty much my life right now in a nutshell. crazy, eh?

^_^

i've been waiting to say to you -

i am mad at you.
i am confused by you.
i am frustrated by you.
i am pissed at you.
i am so happy with you.
i am tired of you.
i am missing you.
i am loving you.
i am having fun with you.
i am depressed by you.
i am hating you.

there. i said it.